theblackveal

No one believes I will make it into medical school so I have kept my application as a secret.

My brother is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend, someone I detest. I would rather die than to go to their wedding and I’m not just saying it for attention.

If there were a choice, I would rather stay single and childless for him NOT to marry her. I would even be willing to make a pact with the devil.

I just graduated graduate school a month ago and my loans are already due. ($80,000 in loans)

Having a hard time studying for the MCAT that takes place in […]

Drunk and dozing off. I feel like trash, not worth shit. I have a kitten that is the only reason why I keep at it at this point. I want to crawl into oblivion. I want things to end. I would take the place of all and any children with terminal illnesses. They deserve a chance in life.

Do you ever feel like no matter how many shots you get in life that you always end up fucking it up?

I don’t get many shots, in fact I’m usually the black cat, the unlucky one.

When I do get these rare chances, I always end up fucking it up.

What the point of living if I keep making the wrong choices?

I am moving to a different country and I posted some stuff on facebook to sell. One of the the items I posted was unused condom (condom are expensive in the country that I live in) someone asked me how pathetic I was to sell condoms (I have 34 new, unused trojans so I thought I would try at least)…That comment made me feel super shitty… Little does she know I feel pathetic all the time.

I don’t have any motivation right now….What motivate you?

I found out today that I contracted HSV-2 Herpes. I got it from my boyfriend who is an asymptomatic carrier (he did not know he had it). I know that this virus is manageable, but I feel so dirty, embarrassed, and feel so ashamed. I really want to curl up into a ball and just die.

I am pretty sure I contracted herpes from my new boyfriend.

He is completely asymptomatic.

Urine sample says it is bacterial, but antibiotics are not working.

I am in a developing country and they have not run a STD test.

2018 was starting to look good for me, but of course it had to take a turn for the worst.

My suicide attempt anniversary just passed, but I am now contemplating everything again.

Friend zoned. Damn.

I don’t have much of a fight left in me anymore. I’ve said this and have felt this way for around 20 years. There’s that small glimmer of hope that “things will get better”, but what I’ve experienced is that the same familiar experiences perpetually occur with different people and different places. That hope is rather disappointing and never presents itself. I know that I am the common factor to my problems… so I ask…what is so innately wrong with me? Is it that my expectations for myself are too high? Was I given a bad hand? Existential questioning doesn’t lead to any answers so […]

Holidays make me even more depressed and moody. I have a date to end things in mind, come on mid January!

Do you ever just feel used all the time?
I do things for people out of kindness and as a distraction from my own shitty life, but then I just get shitted on.
Karma never works either… go figure.

While watching Rick and Morty, Rick kills someone in an instant and he says something along the lines of no one wants to die… I wish for that kind of death now at this very moment…at most times

Needed money and a guy I’ve known for a while agreed to be my “sugar daddy”.
He keeps coming up with excuses in not paying me what we agreed on. Figures I fail at being a sugar baby too.
I feel as if I am playing a game of how many things can you fail at…
Now I just feel used (although he lives on the opposite coast so no sex was involved) and I’m still in need of money.

Fail, fail, fail

Sick of unreliable people.

When people say things to be nice, but don’t follow through it really makes them an A$$hole.

Don’t offer help if you don’t plan to help.

If you can’t do what you said you will do, stop saying you will do it.

Be a person of action and a person of your word.

Started organizing my things and am also in the process of trying to sell things. Everyone in my family thinks it is because I am planning on moving out of the country, but in reality it is to organize what might be the end. It would be nice to have some money. Wish I could be someone’s sugar baby. I am tired. I don’t think things will ever get better. I once believed that it would, but I am now 30 and it hasn’t changed. My disappointments and heartbreaks never seem to end.

Trying to hang on, but finding it so hard to. I won’t be in the country during Christmas, and was planning to come home, but my brother is leaving to see his Canadian girlfriend (who I am not a fan of). He wants to spend Christmas with her. Little does he know that I was planning on ending everything after Christmas. I was trying to hold off till then but maybe it will happen sooner. Oh well, my family doesn’t care… they only care in that specific moment when I am sick or depressed. They never bother to ask how I am. I guess they […]

I was already having a shitty day when I went on eBay to try to buy some stuff. Someone had a “best offer” for a $7 used shirt and I typed in $4 and they responded with “A-hole”… Just made me feel shittier even though it should not have. The shirt wasn’t even for me, but for someone in a different country that wanted to save money. I got angry and wanted to report them, but there’s no way to do it. I guess I’m an A hole for wanting a used shirt for $3 cheaper. Dear seller, I always feel shitty anyways, thanks for […]

Unwanted leftovers being tossed in the trash = me

Feeling very empty. Things never work my way, doesn’t matter if I think positively, try my best, or whatnot. If I strive to get what I want, 98% of the time I do not get it. Same with relationships. I don’t blame others for my flaws, but I just can’t figure out why I fail at so many things. I wasn’t born a pessimist, but have become one over the years. I’ve never been good enough and all I want is a break…( oddly here I was thinking of the kit-kat “give me a break” jingle)

Listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash as I am feeling extremely worthless today. My body feels extremely heavy and all I have are nightmares. I have a date in mind, but not sure if I need to push it back. I need to find the right method. Hope is crippling.