Since my Mom was killed due to doctor error two years ago I haven’t been able to string together three good weeks. My own health problems increased and I live like a shut-in. Only going to work and coming home and doing basic tasks. I recently had 3 decent days. 3 days where I didn’t wish for a painless death. That ended Monday. My never ending problems cropped up again. My face is damaged. The doctors can’t help and often create more damage. I have to get my Will done but I can’t even do that now with my current problems. I have the forms […]
Suicide is an ugly word. I just read an article about how assisted suicide is legal in Switzerland and they allow for dignity in the process. Switzerland gets it. After reading this article it came to me that we are Peace Seekers. This is usually what we are seeking.
I have started the process of getting a legal Will made. This is essential because if I don’t have one whatever I have goes to the next of kin which I absolutely can’t allow to happen. I feel much better knowing that this will be in place soon.
The Living Will is more challenging. I only have one friend, well, I actually have two friends but only one I can count on, however, I’m not convinced he will step up in the right way if I am in hospital and can’t make decisions for myself. I hope he can but it is a lot to ask […]
Jan 31 2011 was the last time I was truly happy. I had picked up my date right after work, took her to one of my favorite spots and then to a party with friends and a good time was had by all. Soon after that my mom was killed via malpractice at a hospital. She was fine one minute and then a few hours late she died from horrible side effects of a misused drug. I kept it together for about three months trying to sue the hospital but then my family started to steal the inheritance we were supposed to share. My own […]
It’s time to tell the therapist WE failed. I failed and we failed. No point in wasting anymore  time and energy.  The therapist seems burnt out now. Phoned it in last time. It’s not helping with what I need any longer and now there’s no point. Nothing is getting fixed.  Neverending cycle of  failures. In fact, the last visit seemed to ensure failure.  I did call and shared that things were really bad but no follow-up phone call. Nothing.
As I researched various ways to exit and review all my wasted and painful years I thought “I might as well take care of my plants”. They needed repotting and I’m clueless. So a very nice woman at the gardening store repotted my plants and explained the basics. She wouldn’t accept any money. She was a good egg. Very rare these days. She even wiped off the dirt on the outside of the pots though I offered to do it myself. So even though I’m in great pain I’m glad my plants are doing well and have room to grow. They look happy in their […]
I had one good day and then things fell apart. There were 2 1/2 decent weeks leading up to my one good day. Then my health problems came back. My health issues came back in an instant. The summer is basically over and I’m sick of this cycle. I can’t string together 3 good weeks. It’s hard to build a life this way. At times I really hate myself and my life. I ask people “What’s the point?” and they have no sensible answers. Having that one good day I could see that life is much better when your health is good and normal and […]
When people ask where you’ve been the last five months or whatever what do you say?
“Oh, I’ve been suicidal and a shut-in and being well enough to be out may not last.”
or “I’ve had issues” or
“Been busy” –I don’t like bending the truth.
I have a great, great counselor. We’ve been through a lot together but things took a turn for the worse in my life about a year and a half ago and then I became physically injured on top of that. I had a list of phrases he helped come up with that used to help but now they no longer help. Like “I’m bigger than this” but I’m not, what I’m dealing with is bigger than me. I have fought and fought fought and almost made it, almost won but then I got smacked down and I can’t seem to beat my physical problems. I’m […]
I can’t remember her ID, it started with an “E” like edenformosa or something like that. I think she suffered from fibromyalgia and could never feel fully rested. Helium wasn’t working for her so apparently (others confirmed) she jumped of a bridge (Seven something bridge). The post may have been deleted but I just wanted to express how sorry I am that she was forced to jump, something she explicitly didn’t want to do. That is extremely cruel. There should be easier ways available. Peaceful ways, affordable ways. Â Thanks.