Author

tralala

entering a different zone, purity of emotions

fuck, i don’t know where to write. This is the only place i felt safe to write something down and make it public. I am sorry, I am not suicidal anymore. Life is way more sucky this way. I can’t let myself even fantasize about killing myself because now I am a bitter grown up person who is not selfish enough to allow myself those fantasies. But I am selfish. And my lazy, depressive and lost existence makes life difficult for people around me, just less difficult than it would be if I killed myself. So I am that much less selfish.

Some days are so […]

6/11/2015 8 comments

The flow

by tralala 9/26/2013

written by tralala

I want to share the change that happened in me. Maybe my words will mean something to someone. I met some people that shared some ideas with me and their words hit me where i needed it. These were those words:
I am not my thoughts, feelings or states, those are the things that are just passing through me. I can choose if i want to relate to them. I am the one that is aware of the thoughts and feeling,s, so they are not a part of me. They are the clouds and i am the sky. I exist even without any of […]

9/26/2013 3 comments

Write it down

by tralala 2/21/2013

written by tralala

I am very irritable and I can’t control my impulse towards aggression

(I am not sure if i am expressing myself correctly but I hope someone gets the picture and maybe has some advice)

This is what bothers me:
1. any stranger that says even a remotely unpleasant thing to me (eg. please take the other elevator because I am scared of your dog), I lose control, short breath, heart pounding, Â some tears in my eyes, want to insult the person and sometimes physically attack the person(no matter the age, sex). I never actually attack anyone but when I come home I think about it all for […]

2/21/2013 3 comments

where is my strength?

by tralala 1/1/2013

written by tralala

an update of my decisions, so at one time I can read my thoughts again..

this will be a funny text I think, with a lot of changing my mind:)

this is not a New years decision, it’s been in my head for a while. so, here it is, I have to live somehow for the sake of my parents, I can’t be selfish enough to kill myself while they’re thinking I am a young perspective person with a bright future ahead. I can’t put my ideas before their love, not right now when it’s not unbearable to live, but if it gets harder I might have […]

1/1/2013 17 comments

trick and die

by tralala 12/28/2012

written by tralala

I am surprised how I tricked myself. I guess this time my wish for death is greater than before, it is deep inside me even when I am not aware of it. recently I wrote a story about me giving myself one last chance to prove I am capable of life. I planned everything I want to achieve and do and I was trying to follow my plan. But some wicked part of me Â kicked in and I began to sabotage myself. I made myself fuck up without being aware what I was doing. Now when I see it from distance, I see myself relying […]

12/28/2012 4 comments

venting out

by tralala 12/16/2012

written by tralala

I wish I could decide who I am going to be, because living like this makes no sense. Everything I do I criticize, I hate. it’s not like judging who I am with all the good and bad sides, it’s just pure hate for everything I am. But I haven’t decided I am a lost cause just yet. I am willing to give myself another shot, just that if I mess this up it is going to be the end of me for I am not strong enough to endure another complete failure.

or i wasn’t. my mind plays tricks on me

12/16/2012 2 comments

People in my head

by tralala 12/12/2012

written by tralala

What’s up with all those people in my head. I am the voice saying kill and also the one saying don’t, I am the one saying you’re worthless nothing of a person that can’t even finish anything you start nor succeed in anything but also the one saying well, you’re not that bad, you did this and this and that, you’re just a bit exhausted.

I am a lazy person bored with life. I want many things but only for short moments of time, everything else is just emptiness. I hate the way I am and just don’t want to live like this. I tried to […]

12/12/2012 3 comments

First time writing. Me in a too big nutshell

by tralala 12/10/2012

written by tralala

Boy am I glad to find this site.
Just to be able to write down some thoughts here and not in my despised self help diary notebook.
I was driving around town afraid to come back home. Another sleepless lonely night awaits me. I am scared because I haven’t been this alone in last 3 years.
Here’s a short background story:
6 years ago I found myself wrapped in suicidal thoughts and plans. I delayed them for various reasons. And I tried to build myself as a person. I failed, gave up, found some strength again and tried again, and failed again.. It was a […]

12/10/2012 8 comments