I am very irritable and I can’t control my impulse towards aggression
(I am not sure if i am expressing myself correctly but I hope someone gets the picture and maybe has some advice)
This is what bothers me:
1. any stranger that says even a remotely unpleasant thing to me (eg. please take the other elevator because I am scared of your dog), I lose control, short breath, heart pounding,  some tears in my eyes, want to insult the person and sometimes physically attack the person(no matter the age, sex). I never actually attack anyone but when I come home I think about it all for couple of days, analyse everything, put myself down. as an immediate relief  I hit myself, sometimes even cut.
2. person attacks me verbally for any reason (eg. conflict of interests in some situation) heart pounding like crazy, trembling, I can’t respond in a sentence i can just say a few maybe unrelated words and i have a very strong urge to hit the person to beat them.. i have to walk away but i end up hitting myself and still i can’t feel at peace for days, up to two weeks.
3. impatience. i will give example with my dog. trying to teach her some new trick.. i start with the idea be calm and patient, it takes time for a dog to learn a new thing. so i do start calm and manage to stay that way less than a minute, then i get impatient, and very angry and i start to lose control. i admit i have hit my dog some times but i hate doing it so i usually cry a lot and tremble  and at home when i can isolate myself from my dog i unleash my anger upon myself, i hit myself, or i suppress the anger and snap at boyfriend or someone else later that day.
4.mood swings..when having many mood changes in a day i always act according to the mood i am in that moment which leads me to many contradictions in a single day and i get angry at myself for being that way and resort to any for of self destruction i want at the moment from cutting, overeating, or any kind of punishment i feel i deserve at the time. i don’t know how to act those days..it’s good i can recognize when those days are but i don’t know how to act on it and not make myself come to the state when i’m angry at myself and lose control over my actions.
i do have that moment when I can stop, like when i walk the dog, and by walking and thinking about something else i achieve that i don’t feel the anger any more, but it’s one in a thousand. I can’t make myself react in a way that would calm me, any way it might be, because when i get in that angry mode i lose control and i hate it and feel guilty for it happening and feel awful about it in general.
I am practicing managing my anger in fights with family and boyfriend. I got good at not having long meaningless fights with boyfriend.. i learned to tell him when i’m ”moody” and likely to snap at anything he says.. in those times i talk alot and get angry at myself but talk it out and feel exhausted and awful and useless but at least i don’t fight with him, i fight with myself. my dad, i ignore his provocations and walk away but it’s too hard and too emotional not to get crazy so again i talk and talk to my boyfriend until i have said everything i could about my dad and i repeat it all a few times and i feel like shit for days..it’s just too much shit between me and my dad and i’m in no state to handle it. after we physically confronted each other few months ago, i bite him…i’m a girl X) i just back away from him and the fights but it makes me lose control even more in the situations i talked about in 1., 2., 3. and other..
now, only advice i have gotten from my therapist is with counting, like start at a 1678 and subtract 7 or 13 or some ”more difficult” number again and again. it seemed stupid, but it tried it because at the time i was hitting my boyfriend a lot and he was tired of it so i promised to change that. it didn’t really work, i even preferred my spontaneous reaction which is jumping around and hurting myself through pulling hair. maybe the counting could work combined with something else.. i tried breathing slow and deep and it helps the short breath i get in anger attack, but the anger doesn’t go away, i just feel uncomfortable and struggle not breathing short again.
anyone has experience/advice for me??
Please help me tame my beast.
–
3 comments
Ask your therapist about continuing your study of
Anger Management. Especially ask about nearby
Support groups. Going to a group is a little like
Watching Jerry Springer, it’s mostly about
Listening to others’ anger problems and how
They spazzed out.
They show techniques to 1.) recognize and
2.) slow down the onset of anger,
3.) you’ll meet people who DIDN’T
4.) let shit go instead of people’s antics
“renting space” in your head for weeks.
now that i’ve seen your comment i feel embarrassed that i have shared these things about myself. well, maybe i should try being in a group like that, but first i want to try something by myself. have you had any personal experience?
Yes I go to Anger Management groups at a VA
Day Treatment (outpatient) center. My main
Problem is major depression, but groups are
Elective and so I’ve been learning about issues
LIke anger and schizophrenia too. So I attend
1-2 anger management groups each week. It’s
Something people do seem to enjoy, I mean
After all there is something funny about our
Quirks. I hope that you can try one group,
I think you’ll enjoy it.