I am surprised how I tricked myself. I guess this time my wish for death is greater than before, it is deep inside me even when I am not aware of it. recently I wrote a story about me giving myself one last chance to prove I am capable of life. I planned everything I want to achieve and do and I was trying to follow my plan. But some wicked part of me  kicked in and I began to sabotage myself. I made myself fuck up without being aware what I was doing. Now when I see it from distance, I see myself relying on my words, that it was the last chance I gave myself. And I hate to break my word. So I guess I told myself what I wanted to know.
The thing is I don’t hate life. I have experienced how beautiful it can be. I hate myself and I am used to punishing myself.  So my story is more of me depriving myself of life as  I don’t see myself worthy. I have tried to change the way I see myself in this world but somehow I can’t change, it is always someone else ideas put inside my head to keep me calm for a while. I don’t learn, I don’t change.
So why not?
I can be selfish enough to do it, I have the brains and heart to find the perfect way to do it, and finally I have enough strength and motivation to actually do it.
4 comments
It takes such determination.. i can’t do it. it’s been years more than 3 that i was determined to do it but still no done. so if you have the will u can easily make it happen. just think about the others who would hate to see you leave them before you do, tho.
So is this some kind of three strikes and out rule? or did you just make the one mistake? I too have goals and ambitions in life but still get lost, confused and hopeless. Of course you will make mistakes, just like everyone else. The point is your trying and you feel bad and want to change. This means that you are a good person. You’re not so far gone that you don’t recognise when you do wrong. The biggest mistake you will ever make is to give up on life. Because only then, is there no hope for you to make things right. Keep trying, tell people you are trying, you don’t have to be alone in this. Talk to a professional who can help you figure it out. Don’t give up so easily, It’s not over.
@StephanS yes, it is quite difficult to go trough with it, even when you make up your mind. I tried two times, but it was when I was a teenager and I thought I wasn’t mature enough for such a big decision after all. I’ll see how I handle things as a young adult.
@ poitless6 it isn’t, I didn’t make one mistake, I really fucked up all my goals such as college and social life, peaceful family life will be ruined soon(it’s complicated) and I have managed to get my self esteem at the lowest. also my self control is out of control X) yesterday I almost punched an old lady when we got into a fight. Also, I am done talking to professionals, I have tried, it got me a few happy days and lots of miserable ones, I just end up feeling like I have betrayed myself. I want to be in this on my own, not including people close to me.
trick and die! – great line
or is it trick and don’t die?
I wish the modern world still valued myth and the rituals that associated with them.
If we did you could got to a sweat lodge or something and talk to tricksters like coyote or Loki as they love it when they get people to chase their own tails.
Apparently you must get some satisfaction out of sabotaging yourself if you keep doing it. I say this because when I’m honest I have to say a part of me feels a home feeling bad.
Now I’m just too tired or board to pretend, I’m an introvert, not overly expressive, don’t really have much to say… and… it’s ok. Just me experiencing the world, when I feel bad I feel bad, if I see something funny, I laugh. If I’m happy well I try not to notice, nothing kills happiness like noticing.