Well, I’ve got the MRI to check out my knee on Thursday. Either they’ll find something they can fix and I’ll have surgery so I can walk for the first time since January, or they won’t find anything and it turns out that I just have severe nerve damage without anything they can fix and I won’t be able to walk using my own strength ever again. Â At least this doc was honest with me.
My piece of shit brother, actually, he’s not my brother, he’s just a piece of shit that has the same mother as I do. Anyway, this piece of shit is cheating on his wife yet again. (Funny she didn’t see it coming, considering their relationship started with him cheating on his girlfriend at the time) and somehow I’m an asshole for being pissed. My youngest sister (who already can’t trust anyone) just found out she can’t even trust family, my other sister is getting shit ’cause she’s taking Tina’s (the wife) side, which I say is the right one. But somehow, our mother is naive […]
Well, it’s been two and a half months and I still can’t walk, I’ve been trying to convince myself that my leg will heal, but no progress yet, and I’m literally in enough pain that it’s keeping me from eating, I may lose my job because I can’t work, I may actually lose the ability to walk without some form of assistance, my disability checks stopped and I can’t get ahold of anyone I need to to start them up again, and I need to get $1500 together by june, which I could do if I skipped meals and was receiving some form of an […]
It’s crazy, I graduated high school at sixteen. I’m twenty now, and still only have two college classes under my belt because I can’t afford school working my crap job. I barely make enough to get by while eating only once or twice a day, and I can’t even work right now because my knee is too fucking damaged to walk on. Yet with all the things that I should be more worried about, I care more about the fact that I’m a magnet for stupid sluts while a girl that I can have an intelligent conversation with, or that hasn’t slept with […]
Haven’t been on in a while due to the whole being homeless thing…any of you guys want to shoot me in the head for twenty bucks? Or just let me borrow a gun for twenty bucks?
So, I’m pretty sure that everyone I knew back when I used this site are all dead. So, on the off chance that any of you are still around, let me know, if not, then I guess that I was right in guessing you’re all gone.
For those of you that don’t know me, here’s a quick description, I’m 19, graduated at 16, joined the Air Force Special Forces at 17, got kicked out from basic for medical crap. Spent my childhood getting severely abused by my mom’s husband, turns out that she cheated on him and that’s how I got here, my biological […]
It’ll still be at least 90 minutes before everyone else is passed out and I can grab a knife
I haven’t been on for a few months, and a few years before that, I just didn’t have a computer to get online with. Anyway, everytime I’ve tried killing myself before (I’ve seriously stopped counting) a “miracle” (in the words of the doctors) happened that kept me alive. I’m gonna try again tonight, the only thing is that I don’t want to be alone when I die. It’s pathetic, but I was born alone and I literally raised myself, I just want to not be alone this one time. Anyway, good luck to you all and I’ll see you in another […]
I didnt even drink on saturday because i knew id talk to her that night, today we only got to talk for a little bit, I’ll see her in person again on Tuesday. I’m crazy about her, just need to make it until Friday when we have our date. But 5 days seems like forever, and even if i do last, the only thing ive got to look forward to will be over, then i can be done with it, then it can be over…
So theres this girl that I’m crazy about, I’ve got a date with her on Friday, so I’m just going to try to make it until Friday. Just 6 more days…
i havent been on in a while, so i probably dont know anyone thats on now. anyway, im just gonna complain about how the antidepresents im on are making things worse and how i constantly get panic attacks that are so intense that they are considered seizures. i literally cant do anything, people keep telling me i need to get a job, ive tried but without success. and most days i cant even get the strength to get out of bed, even if i could get a job, i couldnt hold it. everyone keeps expecting me to be “normal,” but they […]
My brother is engaged, and last night his fiance came over to my house crying. She found proof that he was cheating on her and, once again, I was the one trying to comfort yet another person my brother had trampled over just because he could. She had said that she saved her virginity for when she knew she found “the one,” and she made the mistake of trusting my brother, and now she feels ashamed of it. And my mom, of course, was defending my brother saying that either he didn’t cheat or, if he did, it’s because he’s young and […]
I haven’t been able to get online since christmas eve, I was gonna try again new years eve, but a friend of mind figured out and wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to even cut my wrist, I’m not trying to whine or complain, but why is it such a bad thing to want to die? People act like it’s the worst idea ever, but it definitely beats living. Anyway, I haven’t cut in a while, I’ll probably go back to doing that now, at least it helps me get by.
I’ve tried over and over again, and each time it was a “miracle” (doctors’ and others’ words, not mine) that I survived. From ropes snapping, guns just refusing to fire, pills that my body was somehow resistant too, hell, I’ve even poured gasoline all over myself but the damn lighter wouldn’t light. Why could the closest person I had to a father take his own life on the first try, but at the point where I’ve stopped counting attempts, I’m still standing? It’s just not fair. I just wish I could die.
So I havent been able to get online for a while, but a few weeks ago I tried again. The doctor that “saved” me said that it was a miracle I had survived long enough for the EMTs to make it to my appartment. And it was a miracle that I survived the trip to the hospital, and yet another miracle that I didn’t die in the hospital. Apparently I was in such a bad shape that they were too afraid to do anything to risk pushing me over the edge. Instead I got to enjoy the most painful night of my life with some […]
So this might be my last post or it might not, either way, I will be unable to get back on the site for a while, I can’t say why or for how long or even when I leave, but please look after each other. And please look after Hailey_baby for me, I love that girl so much, and I won’t be able to talk to her while I’m gone.
How many times have each of you tried to end it? Don’t answer if you don’t want to, I was just wondering if my 32 attempts were more or less than most.
I was gonna leave tonight, but for some reason I felt like I should go running first, I don’t know why because I hate running. While I was running, I heard a woman screaming for help. I went to see what was going on and managed to stop some tweakers from gang-raping her. I bought her enough time to run away, so the tweakers held me down while one of them carved the word “HERO” into my chest. I gave my statement to the cops, but I am now in trouble for being out late, starving because I threw up all the food I had […]
I’m going to go running for a few miles and then I’ll end it when I’m done. I’m not sure if I’ll slit my throat, hang myself, OD or something else, peace out everyone.
Think back to that boy, the one that only wanted to make you proud.
He did everything the best he could, hoping that he would hear those four precious words.
But you were only embarased and ashamed.
He endured all that you did to him, his strength would be enough to make you proud.
But it wasn’t it was only enough to anger you.
He learned to draw to make you proud, he learned to write.
But still, he wasn’t good enough.
He graduated early, and still he wasn’t even worth a thought.
No one saw it fit to tell him you weren’t his father […]
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