not every person in your life is meant to stay.
when the newness fades and everything turns gray
and it seems as if everything is going astray,
sometimes you just have to let it go, let it fray.
sometimes you just have to part ways.
it may feel as if this departure is a delay
of your life- like you have wasted your days.
do not think of it that way.
do not think you are nothing, that is a downplay.
new, better people are coming, so make way.
you were not even 13 years old when you planned your suicide. you were not even 15 years old when you seriously attempted your suicide.
i am here to tell you, younger me, that i am glad you are still around.
think about your mama. what would she feel like in this very moment, in these past few weeks when she has felt so low, if you were gone?
you were practically still a baby when someone touched you, a bad touch, a touch you didn’t like or want, and it made you feel so tainted.
listen to me. that is not what boys do when they like you. that […]
when you see this, you see guilt.
you see a number. a number on a box, a number on a wrapper, a number on a measuring tape, a number on the scale.
you see failure. you see weeks of starving going down the drain.
you see weakness.
you do not see this for what it is.
you do not see it as a necessity.
you don’t see this apple, this sandwich, this meal, as what it is.
this apple, this sandwich, this meal-
life support.
empty wallets and clouded minds
my daddy is gone, he is gonna get what’s coming to him, he is gonna get a taste of his own medicine
he is gonna get what he deserves
i am a mediocre at best meal served cold in a run down diner that smells of mildew and grease.
i am the imperfection in your work of art which you erase until i cease to exist and so does the idea that i could ever be a part of something so beautiful.
i am the blood on the mattress and the mud stain on the floor. i am the roach skittering into the dark to hide where it is more comfortable. to where i belong.
i am the dirt below the casket. i do not see the light of day anymore.
i have been graced with a voice so sweet and this voice rings like a bell. a church bell, to be precise.
i know others hear this comforting sound. the words she speaks and sings so pleasantly stick in our minds like the golden honey she does not allow.
she commands us to ritualistically douse ourselves in water as if it were holy. as if it will cleanse our wrongdoings.
every day is accompanied by her singsong voice in the background, whispering in our ears.
and even though this voice is angelic the words it professes are not so polite.
this voice is a ringing in my ears that will […]
do these countless hours and years of self-deprivation mean anything?
do i not matter if i was not thin to begin with? do i not matter if i eat?
is my sickness real? am i sick at all?
we do not speak the same language and we do not look the same way.
we are not flesh and blood. you are still family.
you bring me joy. you make me laugh. i love to be with you.
even though we do not speak, we communicate. you know me better than most people do.
you comfort me when i cry. you are always excited to see me. you are the sweetest thing i have ever known.
i do not know what i would do if anything ever happened to you before it is your time to go.
i heard all dogs go to heaven. i hope that’s true, because heaven […]
it is said that the man upstairs forgives all and loves all. he is a protector and a giver.
i often wonder if i am included.
i have spent my whole life pushing faith away. at the same time it has been forced down my throat.
i assume i am not included.
i cut my hair off because i no longer wished to be beautiful.
i do not want you to look at me and tell me about the way i look.
i do not care if i am beautiful in your eyes.
i am beautiful in my head.
i am beautiful in the way i used my broken second language to help a stranger from herself.
i am beautiful in the way that i will put you above myself. i am beautiful in the way that i will give until i have nothing.
i am beautiful in the way that i love.
i am beautiful in my ability to mold these letters into words that […]
you will never love your daughter the way you love your son.
you say he has his head on right and he is someone you can be proud of.
i do not think you have ever said those words about me.
i am sorry that i am not what you wanted.
you told me i would have been an abortion if it was not for my mother’s faith.
i think you gave up on me before i ever breathed my first breath.
i was twelve.
he reached between my legs and touched what was not his.
the guilt, the shame, the sadness… they practically ate me alive.
i was fourteen.
he pulled off my shirt and kissed me where i did not want to be kissed. i wanted those bruises gone. their weeklong stay was too long.
i was told that a boy will touch you like that when he likes you.
i tell myself a boy will touch my heart if he likes it so truly.
the old cat.
the younger cat.
the puppy.
the solar eclipse.
the falling leaves.
her sister.
the baby.
the jokes.
her brothers.
the movies.
her best friend.
her love.
the group chat.
the dancing bird video.
the cute cat video.
halloween.
the chicken farm.
art.
pumpkin seeds.
summer.
the funny dreams.
music.
i was born a long time ago, near the start of this new century. in relation to others it is not such a long time, but these days have dragged on and on.
the place i live cannot be called a home. it is a house. the house itself is wonderful. the man inside it makes it hell.
i do not like the smell of whiskey and cigarettes the first thing in the morning. i do not like the smell of razor blades and blood in the middle of the night.
the psychiatrists cannot fix me and the therapists cannot even help. nothing but sleep calms my inner […]
i don’t want to be here. it is not the place for me.
you are not a dad. you are not a father. you are not even a person. you are a captor. you are the source of my torment.
let me go.
i love the people who matter to me. i love them more than they love me back. it has always been this way. i have accepted it.
please feed my animals and love them as i did.
please hug your family.
please know i had to escape. leaving this physical place would not relieve my aching mind.
Please log in to report posts