I just don’t understand people. It’s like everyone else got some guidebook to human behavior and my copy got lost in the mail. Maybe I’m a cynic, but god, it’s just easier to assume the worst of people than expect the best and end up disappointed. My closest friend is moving in a few months, to a city four hours away. I know I should spend the time with her now while she’s here, but I . . . can’t. Every time I talk to her I just end up lost somewhere between crying and absolute detachment. I’m treating her like she’s already gone; it’s […]
I’ve been suicidal for so long that I don’t remember what it felt like to be normal. The first time I wrote it down, I was nine. My mother found my journal — the only thing I remember about the conversation is her saying how “embarrassing” it would be if the neighbors found out. They’d think she was a “bad mother” and why was I such a depressing child anyway; nothing terrible had ever happened to me. And she was right, I had a perfectly normal childhood, and so I couldn’t explain to her why I felt this way. I just . . . learned […]