I’m starting to think again that maybe I should kill myself.
I’m feeling that my illusions and barriers are breaking down.
It’s becoming more apparent that this isn’t real.
Nothing is real, it’s all just a movie playing inside my head.
I’m feeling increasingly numb to the idea of swallowing a cup of pills.
It dosn’t scare me.
I think it would be a great way to die.
Waves of delusion washing through my body and a simple conclusion.
It’s not real, none of this is real.
Escape the game, leave it all behind.
It’s coming back, the feelings and the thoughts.
The getting worse.
We stay alive because we know the pain we would cause those we love is much worse than the pain we are feeling inside.
A few weeks ago I nearly committed suicide… I wrote a letter and cried uncontrolably as I put the bottle of nitrate to my lips… Then I heard my girlfriend stirr in our bed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her find me like that. I put down the bottle and crawled in to bed. The next morning I got up and went straight to the doctors. I told my doctor everything. She sent me to the hospital and I spent a week in the Mental Health ward. I was diognosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder and put on 100mg of Quetiapine. life […]
I’m so fucked up. Sometimes i have so many contradicting and confusing thoughts i feel they might explode like kernels of popcorn inside my head. I have so many questions and thoughts and feelings that i don’t know how to verbalise them and yet if i don’t try it becomes unbearable. I think people don’t want to believe that there are other people experiencing what they are, i mean we all say we that we don’t want to be alone or misunderstood but i think deep down that’s exactly what we want, because that exact moment were reminded of just how many people in the […]
Im watching myself, as if im watching a movie. Im dissconected from myself and my life, Im unware of who the fuck i am… I live life as if i was on auto pilot, reacting as one should but at the end of the day i dont recognise myself in the mirror. I stand looking at my reflection and all i see is a stranger staring back. I search my thoughts but im never aware of them, are they even my thoughts? This isn’t my body, this isn’t my mind, i am nothing, i cannot grasp an identity. I search, i scream, i cry. The […]