Im watching myself, as if im watching a movie. Im dissconected from myself and my life, Im unware of who the fuck i am… I live life as if i was on auto pilot, reacting as one should but at the end of the day i dont recognise myself in the mirror. I stand looking at my reflection and all i see is a stranger staring back. I search my thoughts but im never aware of them, are they even my thoughts? This isn’t my body, this isn’t my mind, i am nothing, i cannot grasp an identity. I search, i scream, i cry. The only way i can reassure myself that im human is by pulling a blade across my skin. I bleed, I feel pain, therefore i must be human, right? Suddenly as i feel my skin pulled apart and see the red liquid seep out, i feel as if i can connect with this body that im stuck in. I feel like at that moment my lungs take their very first breath of oxygen and my eyes see the only reality they have. This world doesn’t feel real and i am not apart of it, but i am stuck living it through the body and mind of this girl. This girl who fucks up everyday, this girl who was beaten by her father as a child, this girl who was raped by the old man as a child, the girl who despised herself as a child, the girl who made every possible mistake as she grew older, the girl who was forced to look at herself in the mirror, the girl who struggled with her anger and pain, the girl who was bullied everyday of her school life, the girl was raped again by her boyfriend, the girl who was raped again by her cousin, the girl who was disowned by her family…her own mother for being gay, the girl who knew she was discussing, the girl with the scars on her body. This can’t be me can it? Please God i beg you to let me try again, i beg you to save that little girl from being scared everyday. Please?
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Oh honey, you are down in a deep dark chasm. I wish I was with u, just to hold u and let it all out. I can`t make it go away, however, I can understand how far down u are. I was begging God for help on my last attempt, but I couldnt stop. If I had not been found I would not be here. I never knew how deep and dark depression is, I do now. It haunts me every minute. You r not alone, many of us r right where u r. I am a 44 yr old Mother of 3 Grown children and it has such a strong grip on me…Love and light to u.
I know who you are… not like who who.. but like.. I know the feeling you’ve developed.. I’m the very same way. The future is easy because it doesn’t exist. The past is painful because it’s forever….
You aren’t alone.
The first part of your post about being detached from yourself I can relate with. Even after all these years that was the final stage. But I never felt like that when I was younger, since then I’ve consumed an entire pharmacy. The more powerful drugs you don’t fully recover from even after discontinuation. It’s like the wiring is messed up. But then you mention other issues so I don’t fully understand. I only associate detachment with some sort of deficiency.
Sometimes i describe this feeling of detachment like being wired on drugs, i cant single out a thought or feeling, so for you to say that makes sense. My dad is an ex junkie and he can even hold a 2 minute conversation.
That’s exactly it. It’s the level of concentration that I’m talking about. After discontinuing SSRI’s I would always revert back to the way I was because seretonin doesn’t affect this. The other pathways do and despite what they say, I’ve found that I was never quite right. If you have a deficiency in seretonin then theoretically the SSRI should work. It’s rare for someone to have depression that simply revolves around seretonin which is why they are not effective. I should be getting some new drugs in a few weeks to go to war with. I’m throwing everything at it to try and figure out what works best.