Author

XxmagicianxX

by XxmagicianxX 7/17/2020

written by XxmagicianxX

Hey, to anyone who cares. It’s been 7-8 years since I’ve posted here. I don’t know why I remembered this site tonight, in this moment, or why I still remembered my misspelled username and account password. I don;t know why I decided to even write anything. Maybe if you’re looking for a sign, this is it. If you believe that kind of thing.

I’m alive. 8 years and I’m still alive. It got better for me.

Sure, I still struggle with depression. Sure, it gets tough. After all, I did still think of this website. But I learned how to manage. I learned how to outlast the […]

7/17/2020 1 comment

by XxmagicianxX 2/8/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

I don’t want to go out just a number in history. I don’t want to be nameless in the history books. I go on this site, and I see people with a lot of potential to go down in history- if they could make it through the hard times. If they could find something worth fighting for. Because really, when it’s all said and done, you will be a number. Part of the “estimated (number) that died in the year 2013…). But while we live we can be a hero. Heroes come from the most unlikely of places. Heroes are only heroes because they took […]

2/8/2013 4 comments

Watch me BURN

by XxmagicianxX 2/6/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

That’s right. To all the fuckers out there who just want me to crash and burn it starts now. Go ahead, laugh. Cheer. Just stand there and watch me burn. You make sure nobody helps put that fire out. You’ll watch and see what it looks like when somebody puts out the fire by himself. It won’t go out all the way. Hell no. I’m gonna be the demon that haunts your sleep. I’m gonna be the demon that hunts you in the day. But you’ll get your wish. Cuz soon that fire will consume me, it will burn me up into ashes. I’ll be […]

2/6/2013 2 comments

Destructiveness

by XxmagicianxX 2/5/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

I feel…. weird. Almost as if all feeling has been sucked away now. I fake my laughs. My tears just don’t come anymore. When I get hurt, I immediately want to hurt that person back. They put holes in my plan, so I’m going to make them crash and burn. I’m driven by what seems to be revenge, but on what? I can’t figure it out. I only see one way out. Not suicide. Not hurting myself. Trying to get revenge on everything that hurts me. I’ll hurt them back. Apex predators kill without remorse. Humans are Apex predators. I am an Apex predator. Cross […]

2/5/2013 2 comments

by XxmagicianxX 2/4/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

I don’t know what to title this. I realized something two days ago. Almost all pain and suffering comes from caring. Death. You cared very much about the person that died, that’s why you grieve for them, that’s why you miss them. But what about that man who died in the other room? You didn’t know him, so you didn’t really care. Nobody likes death. Why does a relationship with someone hurt when it breaks off? Because you cared for that person, you loved them. Why does t hurt when your parents call you names, when they say that you’ll become nothing in life? Because […]

2/4/2013 3 comments

How to not feel

by XxmagicianxX 1/29/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

I need to teach myself not to feel. Or to bury my feelings and water them down so they don’t show up anymore. I used to know how, I used to be good at it. But now, I’m told that is what a man does. He buries his feelings. A man doesn’t show every emotion he has. True men don’t show any feeling. I am mostly emotionless now. Emotions don’t cross my face, they cross my tone. They betray me in my voice. I will not accept weakness in myself. This is not an option. I must get rid of my feelings. I must not […]

1/29/2013 2 comments

Random Thoughts

by XxmagicianxX 1/29/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

What’s a life when you stand for nothing? Nothing. You have to stand for something. If you stand for nothing, then anything will send you over the edge. You’re already on the ground, all that happens is everything washes over you, and you begin to sink in the dark swirling mess. But if you stand for something, you have to get brought to your knees before you fall. It doesn’t sound like fun, and it isn’t, because each time you fall to your knees, hope seems to be lost. Many times people will stand up for their dreams, but dreams are shot down, and then […]

1/29/2013 1 comment

They didn’t know

by XxmagicianxX 1/28/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

Jake walked alone after school that day. He walked in silence, his footsteps made no noise against the wet pavement. The sun was blocked out overhead, and the rain began to fall again. Jake didn’t care, he didn’t have anywhere to go anyway, if he went home he would probably get beat by his dad. He didn’t want to become like his dad. An abusive drunk, who was never sober at home. He wanted to be like his uncle. He wanted to go to college and become an engineer. he wanted to go somewhere in life and get out of this city of hell. All […]

1/28/2013 2 comments

A Call at One

by XxmagicianxX 1/22/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

“Hello?”

“I can see it now.”

“See what?”

“You finding me here.”

“Jason, I don’t even talk to you, we’re not even friends, why would I find you dead?”

“Because, I’ll make sure you find me. You’re the reason I’m doing this. It’s your fault.”

“What are you doing? What’s my fault?”

“My blood is on your hands.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look outside your window, Brent.”

“What? Hello? Jason alright fine I’ll go to the window, just answer me. Hello?”

“……………………………………………………-cough-………-cough-………………”

Brent went over to his window and looked out to see Jason hanging from the tree in his front yard. Jason’s wrists were sliced wide open, and there was blood trickling down from his mouth. […]

1/22/2013 2 comments

Unsung Heroes

by XxmagicianxX 1/2/2013

written by XxmagicianxX

There are people out there that have saved lives by taking a bullet for a fellow brother in arms, by rushing into a burning building, by acts of heroism that the world can see. But there are people out there that have saved lives and were not recognized, just shut out in the dark. Nobody knew they had done it, except the person they saved and them. They reach out their hand to help those in tough times, those with depression and suicide. I don’t mean those doctors who help people for pay, I mean those people that actually put their time into helping you. […]

1/2/2013 2 comments

The Importance of One Second

by XxmagicianxX 12/21/2012

written by XxmagicianxX

In one second, a choice can be made to end someones life. In one second, somebody could be saved from an unfortunate death. In one second somebody could sell their life out to drugs, or someone could choose to reject the drugs. I one second, someone could take their own life, but in one second someone could stop them. All of our choices are made in one second, you’re mind is already made up even if you don’t know it. Fate is a tricky bastard, it let’s us think we’re in control, when it really is. It is unforgiving, and it’s partner is death. In […]

12/21/2012 2 comments

Does anyone really care?

by XxmagicianxX 12/19/2012

written by XxmagicianxX

You walk down the school hallway, with a look of pure desperation on your face. You’ve been depressed for so long now, you’ve thought about killing yourself. It shows on your face, it burns bright in your eyes that you want to die. Then someone asks you what is bothering you. You tell them it’s nothing, and they leave you alone. But really it’s something, and it’s destroying you. You have failing grades, your family is disappointed in you, and you snap on everyone at the slightest twinge of anger. You don’t know why you’re like this, you don’t want to be, but no matter […]

12/19/2012 2 comments

Should I try anymore?

by XxmagicianxX 12/18/2012

written by XxmagicianxX

I’m not sure why I’m doing this. Maybe it’s just a final reach for help, I don’t know. But in everything I do, I keep failing. I’m failing school, my relationship to my family sucks. And all that’s my fault. It’s because of something I did. I know that if theres one thing I can succeed at it will be killing myself. I know I can do it. And I know how. I’ll just find some cyanide, that should do it. And I’m not going to talk to my parents, I’m not even going to threaten them that I’ll do this. They’ll probably just laugh […]

12/18/2012 9 comments