General

Well on the 27th i was on my way to school around 8:15am when i was hit by a bus…yes a BUS and i survived, at first it was no biggie thank god it was only turning a corner so it wasn’t going fast enough to kill me…i think? Anyways i got away with a minor head wound, bruising on my foot even though the bus ran over it alittle,no bones were broken and scrapes on my ear where the bus had it me. Everyone’s been telling me how lucky i am to even be alive or to be standing and stuff and at first […]

So I’ll be going under the knife again for what could be the 10th time in my life now? The lithium they forced on me at the hospital 6 months ago ruined the last surgery I had done and since I will soon have to head back to New York to fulfill my miserable dead end destiny, I have to shape up for it. I really wish I died in that operating table but I know I won’t be that lucky. Good night to all of you out there.

knife
normal people me
a cutting tool […]

Two different roads
One goes to my head
another is attatched to my heart.
A stomach screaming to be fed
I am being ripped apart
By eyes gazing in the mirror
Shedding salt watered hate.
a disorder covering fear
Not dealing with my fate.
The road to my head
Is traveled all to well
By knowledge false beliefs lead
My mind is a constant hell.
The one that connects the heart
Is a journey for few brave friends.
Loving many who will never start.
Hiding where the forbidden road ends.

im dying inside… everyday in the pain i face… but its not enough to kill me… i’ve tried but i can never do it and i scare myself so much trying to hold on to what i have… my problem isn’t that im not loved because i know i am… i couldn’t stand causing someone to go through the pain i am… but yet i cling to that one option and i don’t want to do it… but its my only way out now

This guy says that he’s liked me since high school, but all he ever wants to talk about is sex… nothing else, just sex and how he thinks he’s ugly. He talks to me like I’m a whore. I’m sorry but I require a lot more respect than that. We’re supposed to be “friends” but he deleted me from xbox live after I weighlayed him with my what-for cause I’m finally not putting up with shit anymore. He’s made no effort to want to hang out- I guess he just wants to talk to me like that over the xbox and nothing more. We live […]

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My clock is ticking already.  My mum’s abuse is finally too much.  It’s been too much, I’ve just been clinging to the hope that it’ll all go away. But it’s not. Hopefully by tomorrow I won’t be here to bug anyone with my sh*t anymore.  No one will have to deal with me. Not you guys, not the people who usually have to deal with it. I’ll be gone. I wish I’d come here sooner. Maybe I’d be stronger than I am.

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Since I was 9/10 years old, I’ve been having thoughts of suicide. I won’t go into detail, but I will tell you that I have had a terrible life so far. I can’t think of a single moment where I was truely happy. I learned to live with thoughts of suicide and depression, but lately it’s taking me over. I really don’t see the point in living anymore, I don’t care about anyone or anything. I have just started college, but I know I am going to fail (for the second time). I am not prepared for anything, and I refuse to do so in […]

Every re occurring thought.

Every night, before I fall asleep.

When my mind is racing.

I go over my whole day.

I smile, I frown.

Some good days, some bad days.

Today.

Today was just a big mixture.

Like a roller coaster.

It’s going all over the place.

Big hills, little hills, fast turns, slow turns, big jumps, little jumps, upside down turns..

It’s a thrill to be in this life.

My day to day life is a roller coaster.

My Bi-polar disorder, is like a roller coaster.

I need to […]

Even though my friends say its ok ,tha ti am the way i AM .I cant take it anymore .I have thought of ending it but when i think of dying a shiver comes over my shoulder and tears come to my eyes even thought my ”stupid problems” may not seem like much these small things greatly affect me .My family even my freinds see my as a happy go lucky person but im not like that its just a cover for them not to thik ima freak ,i wonder how long i can keep it up .

Always seem to be leaving out information. Always seeming to be daydreaming about how gorgeous and how less confusing I’d be if depression, ADHD, aspergers, Bi-polar, and others weren’t knocking on my door each and every time to fuck around. Damn it…that one little light of hope man..I can feel that happiness when I daydream…only to look back in reality and feeling depression swinging right back into my soul again, preventing me from feeling anything…

It’s right there man…that little happiness is still there…Then why the fuck am I so depressed!? It pisses me off! It pisses me off that for a second I can see […]

I felt as if I let go of myself that my whole world would fall apart. I closed my eyes to try to block out my surroundings. An old memory floated to the front of my ming. Soon afterward, i was enveloped in it. I was seven, approaching the eve of my eighth birthday. I was in Chamber 5, my dorm, with my roommate, 219265, and she had thought to make me something, which was against the Protocall. She had said that  she had taken over a month to complete it, under complete secrecy. She handed me a small parcel, which was poorly wrapped with paper and scraps of cloth taken from sheets. I […]

I’m here in the present, but I still think of the past.

You’ve left me there for months: seven and a half.

I’ve struggled to get through them, using all of my might,

I’ve ended up on the edge of Everest, and I might jump tonight.

If I decide to jump, would you make a move and catch me?

Or would you let me fall, and let the outcome be deadly?

I tried to pick up the pieces, but you just wouldn’t let me.

So I’ll leave them on the floor, since you don’t want to caress me.

Will I become a part of the lying and scattered pieces?

Broken like my heart, with […]

ITS AMAZING HOW OME PERSON CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SO ALIVE, BUT WHEN YOU MAKE THE TERRIBLE MISTAKE IVE MADE, THEY LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD. I CANT GIVE MY HEART TO ANYONE ELSE, SHE STILL HAS MINE. ITS BEEN SIX LONG MONTHS SINCE I WAS HER’S AND SHE WAS MINE. I HAVE BEEN MISERABLE EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE I LOST HER. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. DEATH SEEMS LIKE MY ONLY OPTION. THIS PAIN IS JUST WAY TOO INTENSE TO BARE. I JUST WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT, I REALLY DO. I STILL LOVE HER, BUT SHE CAN NEVER LOVE ME BACK. I […]

You know what’s scary sometimes? To find out something that you thought wasn’t true, but might also be. You’re in denial of it, because you aim to be one thing or achieve that thing.

…Disgusting feelings. I wanna drink a lot of alcohol tonight and say “Fuck life.”

…

I always end up fucking up my friendships, and any opportunity given to me.

What’s the point in trying anymore?

Lord, I have to go.

Tell my father, my mother, brothers, my sister, my family, my foes, that I’ll miss them so.

But I have to go.

god i fucking hate how everyone i trust leaves me or betrays me… im never going to trust anyone again so that i won’t have the chance to get hurt

I don’t want to hear your constant bit**ing about me.

If I’m that horrible, give me away, send me away, take me away.

Anything to make you shut the f*ck up.

And stop putting me down.

You say you wanted to help me.

How long did that last?

Go to hell.

You don’t need me in your shi*ty life.

And I don’t need you in my shi*ty life.

All you did was give birth to me.

I mean, what the f*ck does that matter?

It’s not like I expect much of you..

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