I can’t take it anymore. I am breaking into pieces , I’m just tired of life , that’s all!! 🙁
I’m sick of all the shit. I can’t fight the Demons inside me , I just wanna drag the blade on my skin 🙁 !!!!! 🙁

Well, it’s officially clear. I am absolutely worthless and can’t do anything right.

I try to make people laugh, and it is instantly qualified as “begging for attention”, unless someone else does/says it, in which case, it’s hilarious.

I try to help out around the house and I get in trouble for not doing it right and yelled at because I am not my brother or sister.

I try to be myself and I get hated for it.

If I were to list all of the things I did wrong, the list would go on forever. I am a worthless screw-up and the world would […]

Let me ask a stupid question again. So I am taking part in this research study on how sports activity affects depressed people. We are 5 participants and 4 jogging instructors, but it was only the first meeting, so apparently more people will join in later. Anyways, some of you may know I am shy. And I was running next to a girl for the first 10 minutes and we said nothing, it was really awkward. Eventually she just jogged past me and started talking to another girl and I ended up talking to another computer science student about technical stuff. It really bothers me […]

It’s hard to stare at a blank page, feeling so much inside but not being able to put any of it into words, or answer why it happens. In Psychology, they say Free Association is a way to examine the unconscious, where you say whatever comes to mind, but what if you can’t put anything in to words? I’ve never been much of a writer because how could I be one when words fail me so often. I’m in a different universe than everyone else, no one understand what I’m trying to convey and I can’t speak the language to get it across myself.  It’s like […]

How does one have courage when they fear life itself? How does one have hope when everything they’ve ever believed in has died? How does one keep living when they’re already dead?

Living each day like a zombie isn’t fun. Waking up, groaning, moaning, wandering aimlessly… That’s all I do. I am a zombie. I’m the living dead.

But I’m not!

I don’t even understand myself… I hardly expect anyone else to.

I have good days, but they’re overpowered by the bad. I have days when I feel alive. And those days are the days when I have courage and I feel hopeful. If I didn’t have those days, […]

The one thing I always thought wouldn’t change no matter what is my hometown, I’d always come home to the same house, my same friends, my best friend living right down the street. Now that I’m graduating in less than a month, I realize this isn’t true, and I’m lost. One of the only things I care about in this entire world is Ali, my best friend, of 14 years. And at the end of the summer, when I leave for college in Maryland, she’s moving out to California with her boyfriend. It’s never going to be the same. I always thought I’d come home […]

I am getting very disgusted God. My “inner” strength is beginning to wane. I am starting to feel like shit again!

Today I’m sharing with you guys what I did to end my life, maybe it will help you to know what won’t work for a suicide plan.

My first attempts were  some knows classic stuf, cutting, Overdosing painkillers, Injecting some poisonous liquids, drowning etc …

My last attempt was finishing a full bottle of scotch whisky and a lot of amisulpride pills, I was taken to hospital and all I got is 4 days of pain over all my body.

For now I’m searching for 2 helium tanks, I see a lot of poeple fail at suicide by helium because of exhaling Co2, but after all I should […]

This is stupod, and I really don’t care. But I have a proposition for you.

You stay, I stay.

This year I will be 25. I have been obsessed with suicide since my abusive childhood and have known I wanted to do it at age 25. I was raised with insanely high expectations. Long story short, I was beaten by my parent whenever my grades were below 99%. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I was timed everyday from when I left to house to when I came home. No tv or phone calls, no christmas presents or magical princess birthday parties. Just school work and sleep. I’ve been punched, kicked, beaten with bats whenever I tried to stand up to my parent. I’ve been called me […]

Death is final; death is complete.

I must do it now. Now is the perfect time to do it. Now is probably the only chance i’ll ever get. my graduation completed last week. my sister’s marriage is also done. I am free right now. absolutely free. if i stick another month or so i’ll be expected to start finding a job. and i know i can’t do it at the time when i am expected to do some worldly thing. right now i am free. i must do it now. if i miss this opportunity i know i will regret that my whole life. my whole life will be ruined. i […]

I started cutting a year ago in March when it happened. I was having a sleepover with my two friends Kiaya and Amanda. We all slept in my bed which was big enough to fit all of us. I was in the middle. I woke up in the middle of the night to whispers from Kiaya. She was talking from the perspective of a guy towards me in a seductive way. I didn’t do anything about it because I wasn’t sure what was happening. That’s when she leaned in and kissed me when my eyes were closed. She stole my first kiss, but that was […]

I keep hearing people say, it gets better or that now I can start over fresh. They tell me to keep my chin up & my nose down. Keep myself busy, focus on work but remember to relax & take some time to enjoy things. They tell me I will feel better soon and the words sting like tiny cuts exposed to the cold black ocean. Every word they utter another crack at my facade & I wonder how much they see. They must see more than I think since most of my conversations end up here. Oh to be like my baby sister who […]

don’ take the things I say personally. I’m just creative writing, in general.

wat up. wat up. wat up. it took a bomb to crack the wall open.

on the other side, do you know? I wish that I could………..

ponder. I need to heal, my sinuses. God, I know you’re there.

in the story of the forgotten, and the forsaken.

the refuge of the messiah, was a dying morlock child. but why.

what does it mean. the ultimate crisis. salvation. mankind.

heal my stricken illness, let me become, the professor.

open my mind. I have done my time.

Xorn and the Genesis. Let me evolve. We can do it. Seraphim.

2 Tuesdays ago I accidently bet 33 black and won. I was playing bitcoin roulette. I thought I was betting odd. It won a near max bet and I won 1500 worth. I proceeded to gamble that into 10,000 dollars over the last weeks. I have won about 17,000 dollars profit worth of bitcoin this year. I was able to pay many debts. My girlfriend told me I’m a part of her. It means the world to me. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I’m basically broke. I was in all kinds of debt. Now I’m just broke. I wish I […]

Jesus f***. Seraphim. Skull and the bullet.
Uzi’s and machine guns. Let me join the native tribes.
Get ready for Armageddon. F***, America. The world.
There are no rules. F*** it in oblivion. Where do I go.
Get a pad off, somewhere. I have personal monthly income.
Somewhere beautiful, to go before we die. But where.
The skeleton does not walk. West minister, I need to get the f*** out of here.
Who the f*** is gonna give me a spot. The chance to feel oblivion.
Somewhere beautiful, but where. Anyone?

There are those who die before they’re ready. And there are those who are ready before they die.

Timing is the only problem. I’ve been ready to die for at least 20 years but it hasn’t happened. On the other hand somewhere in the world, someone got hit by a bus and killed 20 years before she would’ve accomplished her life’s work. Oopsie. Life’s a ***** like that.

The best you can do is decide when it’s time to die and immediately make it happen. Those are the only true winners in this world.

Is exactly how I envisioned it would be as a child. Fun things suddenly become boring.. days go by slower with less to do, people get angrier and stop caring about you. More and more of my day is devoted to being sad. I’m forced to do things I don’t want to with people I don’t like. Life chooses winners and losers. I’ve spend so much time trying to find a sense of meaning in anything, anywhere. Hope is a crutch for children  – bowing and bending until it shatters under the weight of your grief and pity fucking sadness. I don’t know how any of you find your way out […]

I’ve never imagined I could be as devastated as I am now. I don’t believe in god but as my life progresses it is hard to believe that this amount of bad luck is random. 

I’m not going to talk about the years of abuse I endured in my childhood or the fact that my mom died when I was four. I won’t go on about my dad’s alcoholism, and after this sentence I won’t mention the blister acne that adorned my face from 12-21. I won’t dwell on the murder of my best friend in high school or my family’s lack of funds. No, those […]