I feel like somedays I can hide my depression, but lately I just can’t seem to send it away.
Apparently I’m a fake, wannabe because I try to be something I’m not, happy.
I can’t be happy, no matter how hard I try. It’s hard to not burst into tears in front of my parents,
in front of my friends. I just don’t want them to get involved, yet it’s all beginning to be too much.
I will deal with my problems; they can deal with their own. Even though I just want to fall asleep
and never wake up. Just so they […]

Get it? Like carpe diem? Probably spelled wrong…who cares. Guess who is getting drunk for the first time, because why the hell not? Gonna die anyway, might as well have fun

A couple of months ago, when I was a hair’s breadth away from ending it all, I prepaid my cremation and paid off my credit card so the executor of my will would have no unexpected bills to pay before ordering my assets distributed.

Posters here from the UK and possibly Australia and NZ will recognize this as the hymn tune for I Vow To Thee My Country, played at the wedding of Diana Spencer to the Prince of Wales and again at her funeral.  It was her favorite hymn.

This version has different lyrics and is better known in the USA.  The tune is by an […]

John Denver – Singing Skies and Dancing Waters –

I sang this song at the memorials of two friends who died due to drug addiction…..Jeff was the one I thought could beat the addiction, but heroin was stronger than our relationship – me, the one who has never done an illegal drug – he died alone, in a NYC hotel room, which is why the song Angel is also significant for me .

As you can tell, I relate things through song very strongly.

Anyway – here’s Johnny:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBhvQRUb6Ps

My father died when I was 9, cardiovascular issues. My stepfather went to prison for 15 years when I was 12. My mom has struggled ever since to make ends meat. I’ve never had a father figure growing up. My grandfather has had various heart open surgeries, he’s had cancer and now I’m Seeing signs of amnesia. He can pass away any time of any day. My mother has a couple issues, she just found out her cancer tests came out high. I don’t know what to do in life. I dated this one girl, Shannon. I thought she was the one for me. She […]

I haven’t been this bored since my wedding night!

Sing it, Billy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcUCYtyaLrY

did everyone have a good saturday?   well here is the state of my world.  i received an invitation to go out hang with my friends whom i haven’t seen in a while. the invite panicked me. none of these people know my current state of mind. and i have no inclination to fill them in. so i am at home alone, which is how i prefer to be these days. what does that say when contact from friends i have had for years makes me panic and cry?  probably not a good thing . i prefer to be alone and not have to talk to […]

“Keep it in
Don’t let it out
You have to be strong
You can’t be weak
You have to move on
Don’t let them see
That you’re in pain
Don’t let them notice
That you’re slowly breaking
Don’t cry in public
But instead in your room
With the door closed
The music blasting
So they don’t hear the sobs
They can’t hear the screams
Though they never would
Even without the music
Because the screams you scream
Are silent like the night
You can’t let them know
You have to go on
Live on being strong
Don’t trip and fall down
Because there is no […]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBQoMLBtPfM

I thought I would become normal? I thought I would my life would be special and important? I realize now I was wrong. I’m damaged in a way that is not fixable.

It all started when I was just about 3 years old. I have memories of my mother loving me in a ways mother isn’t supposed to love her own flesh and blood. She was my molester, she touched me in ways that I did not know were appropriate. I thought her affection towards me was normal. I had no idea my mother was sick and committing a crime […]

But I wish my life would be done already. It’s something I just want to get over with.  Like getting a root canal or something.

I love both my kids very much.  They mean more to me than anything.

I have 2 kids one age 22, & one 15.  The 22 year old is miserable all the time & blames me for everything bad in his life.  He’s suffered from mental illness for many years, & I’ve done my best to get him help. He is extremely mean to me & his sister, but I still try to be patient with him.  I only want him to […]

I started cutting again. Got loads of blades now. I shouldn’t have gotten anything, shouldn’t have been weak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kl4hJ4j48s

I don’t be long in this world I don’t belong on this earth

I don’t belong in this family

I don’t belong in foster care

I don’t belong anywhere

I am so fucking done with the world. It seems like I can’t do anything. I sing, well at least I try to, and every single time my family puts me down any buries my dreams in HELL. I  write, and somebody either says “It’s Stupid” “It sounds like plagiarism” “Are you sure you aren’t copying?” “Im pretty sure thats already a book” or criticizes it. And I get the WORST writers block, and most of my stories remained unfinished, sitting in the hard drive of my computer. The one that I did finish is awful, and I’ve thrown that one in trash mountain. People […]

Rockin’.

hello there.

my name is Ian, i’m 18 years old. I hate myself. i’ve been cutting myself since 13, but i’m not even remotely an emo. it just calms me down. it was okay, but tonight i thought that maybe just self-harm is not enough. i had this picture of me inside my head where i lie on my bed, bleeding to death, listening to my favorite album by Swans.

my mother despises me. unlike my two perfect brothers, children that she made with the man she loves, not my father. she hates my father. and me. my father doesn’t remember me. haven’t seen him for 15 […]

we need a base. we seek for a base. we invent it; we call it self. the thing on which you can stand your desires, the thing which you think you own and can call yours, the thing using which you can rationalize your arguments (and others seem to acknowledge them, for they also need it). indeed you can suffer for this self, just for the sake of owning it. which came first – self or desire? ‘Thought, with an end in view, creates the thinker’ – J. Krishnamurti. anyways. once i had a self, non-reflecting type. it was the one given by society. then something happened. […]

I try so hard, but i’m still stuck in the middle of nothing – i try to be something. 😀

… Sometimes i wish that this is all just a dream, but sometimes i wish that i don’t want to live in sin.
Many times disapointed, but I still stand tall.
Waiting for a miracle to bring me up. My eyes are seen my own truth in the world full of lies, oh God is there Hope for us, for us? Similar souls who try so hard  – To live lie … I saw everythin but still stuck in prison wearing a chains, oh god can you hear me now? Where are you, i still wanna touch the edge of the greatness but i can’t […]