I have “Marooned” by Pink Floyd on as I type this. The whole Division Bell album feels fitting right now. It’s all about division, about separation, about loss, about something being missing. I’ve been missing something for years and I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how I can get it back without blowing everything apart and I’m imploding under the pressure and it’s taking every ounce of willpower I have to not just destroy myself and make it easier on everyone else. Rather just keep my failures my own then inflict them upon everyone else.

what do you guys/girls know about me? could you tell me who I am?

Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I […]

click to read; i hope we can understand how bullying does effect:

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Adults-441201933

We are all upset,and maybe the reason behind it is we are alone.despite being there for people who didnt even deserved us,we stood by their back.and then like always we end up being alone,feeling betrayed and more then that frustrated.now days its more of a pattern a person is in your life maybe a friend,boyfriend but they all seem to leave after a certain point of extent.everytimg seems exciting n fulfilling in its start but it always has a bad end.this bad ending has made todays life a living hell….we all want infact need just one person who is true.it doesnt needs to be a […]

So, I was filling out my application for my possession and acquisition license (gun license, yay Canada!), and it turns out I need two references, people who have known me for at least three years.

I don’t know anybody except co-workers and I’m not going to ask them. Even if I did have people I could ask, I don’t want them to know that I’m in the process of acquiring a firearm.

Guess I’m going to have to make up a couple references, which is probably a federal offense, and hope they don’t check on my references. I doubt they check the references of every application, and […]

people say we will never recover but i have and im strong now and always will be so people i believe that everyone can be happy and get out of this dark side of us i believe in everyone of you people im always going to be here for you all

I’ve been having dreams about hanging myself. I already know that I’ll most likely fail at it, so I really don’t think I want to try, but still.

Can’t seem to find that tiny spot of silence inside my head tonight. Thoughts swimming around and around on repeat. Why is it when you are at your lowest the easiest of things are so hard? Sleep is not usually a stranger to me. I can sleep through anything just to get to the next moment. I use sleep as a barrier to keep me from having to face real life. So what happens when sleep doesn’t come? I go deeper and deeper into the place I so want to hide from. Face to face with every memory I try so hard to forget. Even […]

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh
I’m losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh
These fishes in the sea they’re staring at me oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum
Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down.

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh, oh
I’m coming up now, coming up now out of the blue, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
These […]

Hello, I’m Herowanted and thank you for applying for the position of hero. I am here this morning after a pathetically desperate attempt to seek help (after all, who answers their phone at two a.m.?!) and look for those capable of saving me. I’ll start with myself and then move on to a few questions. My story is, oh, so typical so I shall keep it short and sour:

My broken-home birth left my words solemn from the first sentence. The alcoholism, verbal abuse and, sometimes, accidental physical harm that came upon me lasted until my mid-teens and, by then, I’d learn to cut, drink, fuck […]

My mom texted me a quote which I eventually found floating on tumblr that went like this:

“One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.”

I sometimes wish the people in my life were able to not necessarily understand my depression/darkness, but just be able to see me. Just me. And not wish anything different about me.

So I made a post of burial sites (asking which was your style) which I quickly learned everybody would prefer to be cremated.  So now I will post the urns.

Or if you want to be scattered into a hurricane like clevername (not a bad idea)

Or if drowning and being digested by a shark is your style, that’s fine.

Or perhaps being shipped into space

I’m afraid to ask so I don’t instead

I’m afraid to walk, get out of bed.

I’m afraid to soar right through the sky

cause suicide is my kryptonite.

I’m afraid to tell you that I love you so

cause if I do I’m sure you’ll go.

I’m afraid that if I tell you something

you’ll treat that secret like its nothing.

I’m afraid of a lot but with fear

comes strength.

What do you do when you’re ready to go, but don’t want to at the same time?

What do you do when everyone you’ve ever had love for, turns that love into the hate you have for then today?

What do you say when the person you want to love forever, doesn’t love you back?

What do you do when you want to love, but all you’ve felt was hate?

I’m too much of a coward to die already, but I’m too hurt to be ok with living

I’ve had so many opportunities these past couple months to end it, but I keep dragging my feet. Not hanging on for things to get better, I’m not that naive. But the finality of the whole thing makes me apprehensive. I’m the one that’ll be successful on the first try, I’m aware of this.

With the clock ticking, I wish I would’ve done it sooner. The longer I wait, the more I cringe that I’m still here.

Fuck, mornings are the worst. Opening my eyes and realizing I didn’t try the night before. Then the long days that lead into night….the pattern has gone on long […]

ive sat in this tub for hours trying to figure out a way to tell you. im sure you are confused as to why i did this to myself. Ill start out with school. I get bullied constantly. everyday im there. i get teased for how i dress and look. how i act and more. I came home crying almost everyday but you never seemed to care. you always told me that it would get better. well 5 years later it never got any better. it just got worse. from a scratch to blood all over my arm and floor. here i lay in a […]

I have these thoughts all the time: Why do I even bother?

Why do I  even bother trying to make people happy? I am just going to end up accidentally hurting them.

Why do I even bother trying to achieve my goals? I am just going to fail.

Why do I even bother trying to be happy? I am just going to get upset.

Why do I even bother trying to tell people what’s wrong? They won’t understand me.

Why do I even bother trying to get close to people? I won’t be the same as they are

Why do I even bother trying to go to therapy? My problems are not going to get […]

My wrist lifelessly dangled off the edge of the porcelain tub; a stream of red tracing the lines on my hand. A pool of crimson waited below. The bath water looked like a distilled merlot. I lay silently, salty tears racing down my face. My mascara sat idly under my eyes tired of running. With the little will I had left, I turned my head to look at the self inflicted mutilations. The word “ Help” was carved into my soft, white, flesh. Under that, “Save ME” screamed for some attention, fresh blood still dripping down from the bottom of the E. My head jolted […]