I’ve been suicidal for a very long time now. Seriously,I don’t understand how people “recover”. It’s all I can do to keep myself together everyday. Some days are better than others. Most just suck! I go in to see him today& I feel worse coming out of there. He makes me feel bad for feeling suicidal, like it’s a switch I can turn off. I’ve had these feelings for a VERY long time! How are they supposed to go away in 7 months? I’m supposed to be able to call him if things get bad for a coaching call, but I don’t feel like I can. I feel like I am a bigger failure because I can’t make him proud of me. Does anyone know how to just drop the suicidal feeling? He says well I’ve told you that you are supposed to shelve that feeling. How exactly is painting my toes going to help me? Yes for 5 minutes I’m focused but then Wham my life slams back into me& I’m suicidal again.How do you shake the feeling that you are a mistake? A fluke off nature??
Yeah, I don’t think I’m meant to………..Sometimes our baggage is to big to ignore………..
So, sorry Scott Fairweather for ruining your statistics……..tell that to Sherri Manning………I’m trying but am I supposed to??
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I can just tell you my experience has been that suicidal thoughts never go away. I look at a bridge and see myself falling from it, a building has a mental image of my body floating like a leaf towards the sidewalk below. When I have a very bad day or experience the thoughts come in hard and heavy, looms, beckons me like a siren’s song, “come come and end this, you know this is how it should be…how it will eventually end.”
I also know the thoughts pass in time. I’ve gotten used to the cycle. It’s become a ritual or maybe even an old friend. They’re the escape door in every life situation. “Yup, here’s the suicide thoughts again pointing to the trap door to….what…I don’t know..”
I just have accepted this cycle of thinking for many many years. It comes, then it goes like a storm cloud.