Hi, I’m Samantha, I go by Sammy. I am 17, a junior in high school. I’ve moved 5 times, lived in 4 different states. I was planning on telling a longer life story, but my last one was suddenly deleted & I am not going to rewrite the whole thing.. I have a great family, & overall people will say my life is well off. my main reason for thinking about ending my life is the feeling of being not needed, & way to overwhelmed with school. I’ve never had a best friend. The one who you always hang out with, saves you a seat,. […]

More and more I’m seeing despair, hopelessness and just flat out pain being portrayed in a more than romantic way. A modern day Bonnie & Clyde story of sorts that doesn’t end as romantically.
I’m beginning to believe that we hurt so much just so we can have something to hold on to. Even if the pain doesn’t love us back.

People pass me by, saying hello with forced smiles and tight lips. People force out small talk, trying to avoid anything of importance. I can’t stand to be around these people. I can’t stand to say hello. Interactions like these leave me drained, tired, bored. Life bores me. There is nothing wrong in my house, save for the occasional screaming match. There are no people that put me down. This is why I’m vulnerable. If I let down my walls the enemy fires. I get hurt. I don’t have reason to be upset. No reason, unless you count that no one understands my thoughts at […]

I wasn’t bad for a while. I got better, I had friends. I pulled myself out of that hole of built up anger and sorrow. I was happy. I’d laugh for no reason, I’d be wild, free. I was me again. When summer ended my sadness ended. It was good. Life was fine. Funny isn’t it, how somethings can grow so gradually, unnoticeable, then suddenly hit you like an oncoming train? Or how somethings are so wonderful that when the slightest thing goes wrong, that wonderful feeling is just leaves? It never settles down permanently, just as sadness never leaves. Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe […]

People never realize how much they can hurt others. They don’t think that they’re powerful enough to break someone. But you never know how broken that person is, and two simple words can shatter them completely. Everyone is so selfish and scared that they never realize that other people have feelings. I’m not excluded from this- my best friend was anorexic and I didn’t even know. But we don’t realize the power words and actions have. Words can always hurt me.

My plan is motion. My  method, divine. I’ll gain his trust. He will be blind to my plot. I will dazzle him with my enthusiasm for life, and then, when his head is turned and never-the-wiser, my plan will surpass the methods of past, and victory shall be mine. His pain will be great, as great as our love, but release from my pain will bring sweet victory at last. He will morn, and then move on, once I am gone.

It’s better for him to find someone worthy of his time. Someone who shines as he does. Who laughs and plays as he does. Who […]

What is the right thing to do?

Is it to be true to myself and destroy my family, or deny who I am and mask the pain? There’s no middle road. Either I do something that will trigger more guilt than I can handle, or I slide back into repression, denial, and depression. Either way I’m going to end up staring down the barrel of  a shotgun. Again.

I love everything about my family. I have it all… except for this ONE GODDAMNED THING. Why do I want it so bad? Why can’t I be rid of these desires?

While there’s a lot of other things going on in my head right now, I have to get this out. In a way I wish this really was a letter to you. You nine sided whore. but then I would have to speak to you, to look at you, and I can’t stand to even think about you. Your lies, your games, your betrayal.

The worst part is I really never saw it coming. I loved you, and you were one of my closest friends. I have known you for so long, held you through so many disasters… I really thought I knew you… But all […]

Last night I made a mistake, and accidentally left this page open, so when my little brother got on the computer, he seen my post….. Well today he wanted to “talk,” all I could keep saying is “I’m ok, it’ll be fine,” even though everything obviously isn’t ok…. But, at the same time, I have to make him think it is ok, otherwise, he’s liable to tell others, or get someone involved to stop me….. I remember him asking me how I would feel if he killed himself….. Although I didn’t tell him this, I kinda felt like I love him enough not to force […]

Heart, honor, respect. Kendrick Lamar is the most influential artist that has ever been in my life. His words have a correlation with what I was taught at a younger age, but they blend, mix, and bend with new ideas and concepts. His lyrics inspire me to continue to fight against forces that try and sometimes success in breaking my mind, spirit, and heart. I really hope to see him live one day.

As of right now, I’m kind of numb and have lost something along this path I’m on. If my mind isn’t playing games with me, I believe I’ve lost indifference to certain objects […]

I constantly have this feeling that something is going to go wrong. I mean things are already shitty but it feels like my heart is going to explode because I’m so worried. Like what the fuck? I go from feeling extremely numb to being a paranoid. Screw life and its fucked up emotional games, I think I just need to get high or something.

howdy folks.

this is my first post here and I am too exhausted to write something meaningful right now… and perhaps what is meaningful will not be a part of the remaining portion of my existence. I have been an accomplice in my slow and inexorable annihilation for too much time and now I have to say, with sadness in my heart, that my last departure is scheduled. Just a little bit more of one week ago I received the ultimate coup de grace from one of two people that I thought were my family. She has abandoned me when I explained what is asperger syndrome and […]

My friends know I’m bisexual and they keep asking me why I won’t get with someone. So, I finally gave them my reason.

I don’t know how to deal with the thought of having an accepting significant other

I can’t stand company because everyone only pities me
I don’t want them to feel obligated to actually treat me nice and be seen with me in public
I’m done changing everything for people who don’t deserve it

so here i am fk my life story or the fact ive been suicidal 5 yrs from a broken heart and browsed this site im drunk enough now to go buy more drink and hang out in the woods i can do it im ready for it i know what it is but this whole time i didnt want to hurt my family now im ready to go i really want peace and have this bull shit family scenario hanging over me although they was the 1s that fked my heart ffs…….should i go do it 2nite????????

Just thought I’d add my story. I suffer from a neurological condition that means I’m in agony 24/7. I want to die more than anything I’ve ever wanted and I’ve tried to end my life a few times. However, I’ve now resolved to take one day at a time and not end my life. I know my family would be devastated, and I’m doing this for them.

I’d like to encourage other people to take the suffering upon themselves to save their family grief. It is possible to grit your teeth and focus solely on getting through the present day.

I hate it. I hate everyone. Especially myself.

I hate going to school, getting out of bed, putting on a fake smile and pretend to give a shit. I don’t do my homework because I’m too lazy, then I don’t want to go to school the next day because I haven’t done the work. I stopped trying a long time ago.

I hate sitting in class. I sit there, never knowing what the fuck the teacher is talking about. I don’t want to know anyways. I sit there, fake smile pasted on my face. Then I get an anxiety attack. Then I have to try not to […]

I’m physically and mentally tired of having to deal with everything. My foster parents hate the living day lights out of me and i’m constantly reminded by them about how useless i am. I’m told that i’m dumber than a brick everyday of my life and how i cannot achieve anything and will probably not ever be able to make any one proud. I try so hard to help people and make people proud of me but it’s not working. I’ve been bullied ever since 2nd grade and i’m in the 10th now and the hate is still going strong. yaaaaaaay… I’m not looking […]