I am 35 you would think I would have grown out of this cutting shit. but apparently not. I have not done this in years and years and now all of a sudden I slice myself up. I decided that I wanted to do some self modification. I am so hurt so angry so mad…. I had told my husband that I was going to do self modification and do some scarification (a form of “body art”) and I decided to make myself look like a living Sally doll (from nightmare before Christmas) so I sliced lines all over my legs and cross hatching to […]

My family begang to talk shit about me, my friends meake me bleed. I feel all alone and depresed. I haven eat well for 3 weeks everytime I eat something I just wanna trough it up.  I feel also sick.

I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. At home at school with my “friends” no where.  I have been used by people repeatedly. I’m not stupid or anything I just let them do it sometimes just to feel some type of  belonging

i  am tired of it all. I just want to escape one day and go somewhere beautiful…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMRfDv8v-UM

A few nights ago I tried killing myself with my school tie, then with the strap off one of my broken school bags. It was around 1.00am (GMT) and I had been crying for hours before I decided to try doing it. I’ve just had enough of the harsh words and the amount of slagging off I get from all my classmates.
I sat in my room, tears runnign down my cheeks and cuts going up my arms, and the razor blade on my bed beside me. I just kept thinking: why should I have to go through this anymore? After I had thought through […]

They say the human race has been going through the process of evolution all this time.  Changing and changing and changing.  Into what?  I mean really what’s the point of all this?  And clearly evolution isn’t working out so good, you’ve got so many born these days with horrible genetic problems like I was.  Seems like de-volution is going on with so many birth defects these days, seems like life must have been better in ancient Greece or something, seems like people were healthier back then at least.

If we’re in this collective human evolution project thing, it means we’re just pawns anyway.  Just being sacrificed […]

Hurt by the thorens around me, making every scaer bleed. Leting go all the pain inside.

I need to express this concern, and I don’t think any of my friends would understand, and probably get unnecessarily worried/upset.

The only paycheck in the family is mom’s, from a government job. She’s on furlough.  We can survive a missed paycheck or two, but that’s it.  I can’t find work and have issues that limit what sort of work I can even do. Dad couldn’t be bothered to help support the family and instead just spends money.

I have enough trouble upstairs when I’m fed, warm, have my meds, basic health care, and all those other benefits of living in a first world country, even being […]

The Conqueror Worm
By Edgar Allan Poe
Lo! ’t is a gala night
Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,
Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly—
Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery […]

Not a damned day goes by I haven’t held the cold steel of my 1911 against my head smiling knowing if I pull the trigger ill finally be in hell but I think of the few people that do love me and I halt myself but I don’t think ill last much longer not once has a girl said yes not once have i felt love outside of family but if I can last this long my weak pathetic unlovable soul can carry on spit on pissed on beaten raped as a child by a monster that forced me to dress like a little girl […]

ok… this post is very different from my others. i think it doesn’t even fit very well in this blog, but since everybody writes about anything about themselves here and that i don’t have anybody to tell this, i am going to write here. anyway, it’s part of my problems, even though i think it’s not the most serious one, and maybe it’s just a phase.

ok. i’m having some trouble with dealing with my sexual arousal. i can’t control it. i get excited all the time even without any kind of stimulation. i’m starting to think i’m a pansexual or something. no, i don’t think […]

please someone,

make it all go away

or just tell me how to handle this?

Last night I attempted to commit suicide using the “detergent suicide” method. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way I had hoped. I am unsure if I should have doubled the amount of lime sulfur & toilet bowl cleaner. Basically I got in my car, mixed up the chemicals and for a few seconds the signature “rotten egg” smell was very apparent but then olfactory fatigue kicked in as has been mentioned. I started taking deep breaths of the mixture and in about 1 minute I began to feel as if there was no air to breath. I tried to remain calm, but my […]

What would you have done differently?

We don’t make the difference, nobody makes a single difference to the world. You don’t matter but for the little circle of habits you’re surrounded by, if you weren’t there your work would have been taken by someone else, and your love/friends/the time itself, would have gone by almost as kindly as they are going by now. I was thinking it this evening..

What is my life? What are the ridicolous hours i’m delivering pizzas the weekend? And you? You’re so sure to mean something to all this, and not just be a vain crumble of sand in an infinite nothing?

“You so disappointing, you aren’t married yet. Everyone else is getting married but you aren’t.”
Well thanks for being so supportive, mother.
:-/

It’s hopefully gonna be a good one 🙂

I was in this old abandoned house, and I went into one of the bedrooms, it was obviously a little girls room everything the previous owners had was still there but it was layered with years of dirt and grime and neglect, while I was looking around at all these memories some stranger left behind this really old cat came limping out of the closet, he looked like he’d been there ever since these people left, just abandoned, alone, he was dirty, his fur wasn’t healthy and neither was he, it was obvious he’d been scavenging all these years to survive, i picked up a […]

I’ve so rationalized my departure. Slip on the hood in a hotel turn on the cylinders and I’m gone.

46 years old in London, I have no significant other or children, no job for 2.5 years (living off savings about to run out and benefit ), no car, no home, I’m sofa surfing with family (they don’t know I homeless) and staying at B&B’s (belongings in storage), no friends.

I’ve had tons of counseling, tried many meds and I remain with absolutely no confidence or self esteem whatsoever. My departure will be a favour to society and the planet.

Then the other part of my […]

Hi ya’ll

I have been suicidal since around 3rd grade. Adults were so harsh that I hid and didn’t talk. But I did hear the spirit beings in my room. These spirit beings followed me around and tried to help me when my mother was raging.  Every time I was in trouble I would find help. Like the time I drove 3 brothers to Louisiana so that they could live with their aunt. After dropping them off I ran out of gas. I throw a blanket out in front of a concrete creek for a few hours, and then a man talking about Jesus walks by […]