Yesterday I decided to make a tumblr, and I feel like I can express myself there betrer than here on this site. So probably I will be less on this site. I’ll try to give an update once in a while, but forgive me if I don’t.
I feel like I’m falling back to my old habbits. The last weeks I started to take more and more control about eating and exercising. My life’s turning again about (not) eating and exercising and trying to hide it all. But I’m fine with it, because my life is a little bit more bearable now, and I have sometimes a little happy moment (if I lost some weight or had a good exercise). And I know it’s unhealthy and stuff, but it’s keeping me from suicide, so that’s a good thing, right? And I’m going to be more happy with my body. I love the […]
I’m so overstrung, that even doing a small thing is too much. Even going out of bed, eating and dress myself is already too much on a day. If i do a little bit more, such as playing a game with my mom, walking a little while or having a therapy session, I’m completely broken after it. And the following three days I can’t do anything, because I’m so tired overstrung by that one activity I did. Really makes me sick, that I just can’t do a single activity. How will I ever get better then?
Everybody thinks I’m okay, but in fact, I feel really worse and I hide it, because I want my parents to believe it’s going better. Actually, I feel more suicidal then before right now, really want to life this stupid f*cking life and world. But actualy I don’t think I have enough energy right now to kill myself, and to prepare my suicide, which makes me even feel worse. I hate it!! I just can’t even kill myself, because it’s going that worse, who would ever thought that?!
~ The reason we self-harm, is because we are not able to handle changes ~
This is a quote I wrote a few days ago. I was really thinking about a lot of things, when I came to the point I started to realize this. I’ll explain the quote. People self-harm for certain reasons, for example because they are depressed, sad, lonely or mad (but there are many more reasons). But where does this come from? It comes from changes we’re not able to deal with. Like you’re living your life, and you’re happy with that. But at a certain moment your house burns down, that […]
So about a month ago I switched from mental health institution. My first impression by my new mental health institution was really good, they were really understanding and REALLY listened to me. So I said that I thought that EMDR-therapy would probably (saying that to every therapist I meet for 2 years now, but nobody wanted to do that) and a week ago I started with that. I’m so glad that they finally listened to me, because I see so much improvements already after 3 sessions. And also my parents do. And also this institution confirm my feeling that I have PTSD. I still have […]
So today I got my first session of EMDR therapy (finally, after 2 years waiting and nagging for it). I get EMDR, because I have a trauma. It was really tiresome, and I cried like almost the whole session. It was really confrontational, because I had to tell about the incident that occupies me the most. But I’ve never told anyone about it, so that was really tough for me. Then I had to keep in mind the part of that incident which scares me the most, and explaining that. After that I had to focus on that and follow a LED-light that went from […]
So I haven’t been here on SP for 1,5 month I guess. It’s because I’m doing really bad. In that time I quitted school, had an intake with 2 mental health institutions, going to start therapy next week, got a cat (it’s really a sweetheart and I’m so glad my parents agreed with a pet), and yeah, the only thing I do is sleeping and sitting. Not going outside anymore, see nobody. Actually I have no life anymore. And the thing is: I don’t give a f*cking shit, I don’t care.
Last week, I grabbed my knife and started to cut, made a cut on […]
So last week, I’ve been cutting free, didn’t cut for a week (meanwhile I did relapsed several times since tuesday). It wasn’t my intention to stop cutting or so, but it just happened. I just didn’t cut for a week, because I didn’t had the energy for it. I was so depressed, I ate almost nothing, slept a lot, but I was really tired, and I felt so miserable, that I was too depressed to pick up that blade and go cut myself. So I didn’t for a week. Although I didn’t cut, I did scrathed myself (which looks horrible now) and I starved myself. […]
Everyday I feel worse, but there are days that I feel really really bad. Like today. I constantly think about suicide, which is driving me crazy, because somewhere I know I’m not able to die, no matter how badly I’ll try. But still I’m searching all over the web to find ‘the perfect suicide method’, but I know somewhere that ‘the perfect suicide method’ doesn’t exist. But still I’m searching for it (man, i feel like an idiot now). No, my suicideplan isn’t completed yet, but in days like these, my suicideplan gets completer and completer, which actually gives me rest.
I haven’t found ‘the […]
Yesterday afternoon I cutted myself, not a special thing, and afterwards I wrote this poem, which really describes my cutting. Hope you like it 🙂
when the blood flows down your arm,
and you hear the blood drops drip.
That relaxing sound,
and the beautiful color of blood,
the relief you get.
The warmth of the cut,
and the stinging feeling of the blade,
but no hurt,
You feel numb and relieved,
like you’re in a trance.
The blood still flows down your arm,
and your arm is covered in blood.
The blood drops drip a little faster,
Your body […]
Well, I’ve been bullied for more than 11 years, 8 of them were really worse. It started all at primary school at the age of 4. For the first in my life I went to school. But after a while my classmates didn’t wanted to play with me any more, or I had the ‘not-populair’ role. When we had to play outside, I played usually alone. Not because I didn’t wanted to play with them, but how hard I tried, they didn’t wanted to play with me. This all may seem very innocent to you, but it was the beginning of all the problems I […]
Yesterday I had my evalution, about what I think if this therapy (MDFT) and how I’m doing. To make a lobg story short: everything is much more clear for me (NOT). I don’t know if I’m going to stop the MDFT right now, I don’t know if we’ll finish the MDFT later. The only thing I know is that they want that I get EMDR for my trauma, because they realized I do have a trauma. (Noo, are you serious? I didn’t knew that already! I’ve told you months ago!) But I don’t know where or when I’ll start with EMDR. Somewhere I really hope […]
Therapists know what’s the best for you and what you need, at least that’s what the therapists think. But I can tell you, they don’t know what’s the best. I have a therapy now, and it drives me crazy, and it also makes me feel even more depressed. I want to stop that therapy, said that to my therapist and explained to her why. Only she thinks it’s better to move on with the therapy, because she thinks it can help me. But it’s a therapy with the whole family, how to communicate, and say thinks to each other and stuff. It’s just not going […]
Just a poem I’ve written today which is I think pretty recognizable for people who cut. It’s the way I feel about it.
The first time,
it feels so innocent.
Just a small scratch.
But after a while,
you know that first cut wasn’t that innocent.
It was the beginning of an addiction,
that’s hard to beat.
And addiction that’s getting worse and worse.
There’s nothing left of that first little scratch.
The cuts you make now are much worse.
While you’re cutting,
you can see the skin tearing apart.
You can feel the stinging pain,
of your knife that’s cutting in your skin.
I wrote this poem today at 1:21 am. It’s about a situation that happened just before.
In all those years,
I’ve built up a defensive wall.
It’s made of a thick layer of glass,
a thick massive wall of concrete,
and a thicker immense wall of marble,
with in the core the vulnerable and breakable me.
My defensive wall is that thick and strong that nobody ever came behind the wall of concrete.
My wall of marble stayed all that time unharmed and without a scratch.
But now that’s the past,
because you came into my life.
You took your gigantic wrecking ball to break my […]
I wished they would knew what was going on in me, but I can’t tell them. My parents are noticing that I want to do less things, and they don’t agree with it because they think it will take me down. What they don’t realize is that doing so many things is killing me, it makes me more depressed and more suicidal. So doing those many things will actually take me down, but they have another vision and don’t want to listen to me. We have constantly arguments, and I really wished I could tell them, but they won’t agree with me. They just don’t […]
Anyone who knows where Dave_N is or what happened to him? I really haven’t seen him for a long time. I really wanna know a little bit more about why he disappeared and so, because I felt related to him in some way and he lived like 5 miles away from me, but I don’t know exactly where. Any information is welcome. Please help me!!
It has been 3 weeks ago since I had to leave the psychiatric hospital. In those 3 weeks a lot of things have changed. Everything is for me too stressful and I feel really stressed. I also feel really down, more suicidal and I don’t wanna do a single thing, there’s not a single spark of happiness in me. I even can’t handle school, and I’m doing only the half of my lessons. I really don’t know how to go further anymore. I’m fighting to get a better life for 10 years now, and it only gets worser and worser, so why should I anymore? […]