Recovery is horrible….. I managed to get myself trapped in a downward spiral towards hell. During this spiral, I let myself become a monster, a monster who found relief in a razor and comfort in rushing blood, more than human contact. My cravings are a battle. Everywhere I look I see failure and relapse, sharp edges and broken skin…. I find myself thinking back to the nights I would stain my hands crimson and tear my soul apart, piece by piece. Sometimes I catch myself running my hands over the bands of purple covering my thighs and arms, remembering exactly how it felt to […]
I am the point where that bottle of fucking pills is it. It’s what I want and I’m tired of pretending that it isn’t. Fuck it.
I walk with you. I never question where you take me, I am blind, I follow
Lines add up, blood pools, I am blind.
People stare and gawk, I follow.
I need you, I crave you, I am blind.
You bleed me dry, you break me down, I follow.
I cannot look in the mirror, what have I done.. I am blind.
I walk with you down the slices on my body. I am blind, I follow.. Never to question.
Counting down the days until I can finally stop the pills call. Stop the blood from rushing from the slices on my body. Stop my heart from pumping. I am done I will walk hand in hand with those pills until they take me to where I need to go.
One of the remaining friends I have introduced me to a band… A band I have completely fallen in love with…. Sleeping With Sirens… My brand of music is usually much different… Something about them has struck me, the lyrics to ‘A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son’ makes me tear up. I can’t help but connect to the emotion and pain. It’s pure beauty. I only wish that I’d still be alive to see them live one day.
It’s easy to slice the skin, it’s easy to leave behind the scars. It’s so damn easy, so damn easy to slice a little deeper than intended. I like it that way, so why don’t I just cut a bit deeper? Why do I watch the blood drip with cowardice? I have what I need, why do I crave the pills? I have used self harm as a way to cope, shouldn’t it be the way I finish my sad ballad?
For as long as I can remember I have loved music with all of my heart. It was something I melted into, music was my shoulder to cry on when I was completely alone. But lately my favorite bands such as Marianas Trench ( yes I’m Canadian) just seem so bland and terrible. It all sounds the same and I just can’t take it anymore. This is just another thing reassuring me that I need to end it. I hate everything and everyone around me, my self hatred is just…
I’m planning it. I feel like I’m in control, something is being done about this pain. I feel relief now, it’s even better than cutting. The weight is off my shoulders.. Knowing the day is coming very soon. I know I won’t be missed at this point, and that gives me the courage to put myself in the ground.
I’m not doing this anymore. I’m done with living. I have pushed myself way to far. I wanted to be dead a long time ago. I don’t know why I kept on breathing. Cutting helped for a bit. Now I want more.
It’s getting so much harder to put a smile on my face. I can’t do it anymore. I used to be so good at faking and acting, what the hell happened? Things have been getting so much worse… I’m deteriorating and I can feel it… I have nobody I trust around me… At the end of the day I’m alone.. The lines building on my legs, reminding me constantly that I’m alone.
I’ve heard it all, ” It’s bad, your going to get hurt, what a stupid thing to do”. So what? Of course I’m going to get hurt, so what if it’s “bad”, and yes, I know it’s a stupid thing to do! I don’t care about the risks. When I’m done, I feel emptied of the pain and the clouds of anger. It feels like a painful kind of beautiful, almost indescribable… So I throw common sense out the window and grasp onto the small piece of artificial happiness.
It’s getting easier to swallow the pain and feel the pressure release. The lines are getting deeper and less hesitant…. It kind of feels like I’m healing backwards….
It really was a blur. I don’t really know how it started, but when I was done, I had neat lines on my leg. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would. The razor had a bite, but it was like a mix of pain and satisfaction. It was almost like the droplets of blood proved a point to me…. I finally did something about all of this pain… It started with little nicks, just to see if I could really handle it… Then it turned into deeper, longer lines. I had no idea what to expect… At least now I do…
I want to find the one person who I could trust with my secrets, my warped twisted secrets. Bearing my soul completely, I could only imagine. I have nobody that I could even tell if I was down, never mind any of what is clawing it way out of my mouth. I had one person, she knew my little secrets, she held me when I cried, she listened to the little I felt I could tell her. I regret it completely… I should never have told her any of that, I gave her the knife, she took it and twisted it into my back.
Lately I have been feeling better, I guess. I dropped some people in my life, they caused my excess pain, that I didn’t need. They were like chains, holding me down. I have begun a routine of self appreciation, after so long, of hating myself…. Treating myself to spa nights with friends I’ve pushed away, has improved my social skills, I hope. Trying to re-build friendships I’ve broken down out of pure pain. Having some people around me helps me quite a bit. I have started trying to surround myself with positive things, the best I can.
I have no idea how […]
Lyrics to a song have always been a huge deal for me, I like to always decipher them and hear the inner story… I came across a song I hadn’t heard in years. Hearing the familiar song made me cry, not the silent kind of tears, but the body shaking sobs that take you over for hours at a time… The kind of cry session that makes you think of every single event in your screwed up twisted life. The words to the song spinning in your head over and over again…
It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever felt… Finally […]
I made a mistake, a huge mistake. I met a boy, with beautiful green eyes and a personality that trapped me like a helpless fly in a spiders web. In that web was the only place I wanted to be. Over a couple weeks I got to know him and I fell, fell so hard it was sad. I smiled constantly, because of him, and he made me laugh, the real kind, (not the bubblegum-fairy-princess kind you feed to people around you when your depressed) it was amazing. I felt free of my chains when I was with him.
Mistake… Then I learned I […]
All I have ever wanted is her acknowledgment and her praise. My mom pressures me to do better, achieve more, push myself. I have always tried to top her expectations, but I always fall short of perfect. These unreasonable expectations have made me feel like I can’t make anybody proud. Years of academic praise from teachers, awards from the city and even other people telling my mom to go easy on me… It just makes her certain I can do better…
I have fallen into a very dark place, trying to make everybody proud of me. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t put […]
I am weak, I am a crumbling wall. Cracking with the pressure, watch me fall, tumbling. Screaming all the way down, the darkest tunnel. Tears drop from my cheeks and splatter on the floor, a puddle of diamonds. Graceful ending is all I hope for, but they rip me from my dreams. End it all now, end it all soon.
Black, all encompassing Darkness, The End.
I’m still hanging on, pushing on through this pain. Doing my best to keep myself from completely shutting down and giving up… But for what?! To be forgotten about upstairs? I drifted off listening to music, not knowing some important guest’s came over. I would have liked to at least try and socialize, to be able to tell myself at least I made a little progress. But.. I was forgotten about, not a huge surprise!
… But the most painful thing was that, when I pulled out my ear-buds, was that I could hear laughter… I haven’t laughed like that in a very […]