When I go to school people never notice how fake I act. I always pretend to be happy and force a fake smile when all I want to do is cry. I would tell someone about my problems but I’m not close enough to someone to tell them. I don’t want to pretend anymore. It’s painful trying to act happy .

“I’m just tired, I’m fine.”

If I had a penny everytime I said that… huh.

Hey, I’m [blank] and I’m the worst human being to ever live. No really, I am. I’ll prove it.

I can’t hold a conversation with anyone without hurting them. I don’t want to, it’s just…I know I’m not going to be living much longer, and I don’t want them to be hurt when I go. But then those times, when I’m sitting in my bed, crying, wanting the pain to end…I need someone. Anyone. Just to talk to me, help me through this. But I have no one, because of me. I am […]

not because I’m bulimic, mind you. i never puke on purpose… he’s sacred and hurtin and i can’t save him. i cant save anyone. i want to leave him and kill myself, but i wont abandon him like everyone else. he needs to tell his ‘parents’ what that monster did to him…i’m so hungry.

I think I might actually go through my suicide plan and it scares me. I want to raise chickens. I want to be married and I want to adopt a child. I want to run half-marathons, get a cat, have a job, and to enjoy the holidays.

But I am so tormented by my own thoughts. I am in a prison, trapped by disgust and self-hate. I am 28 years old and have nothing about me that is lovable. On Friday, I spent about 8 hours binging and purging. On Saturday, I ate food from under the bed, and then headed off to an undergraduate dining […]

sometimes I  wish I just died.  I looked into suicide but couldn’t find anything that would kill me for  sure. I don’t want to wake up in a hospital.  I also want go peacefully as possible.  I don’t want a messy suicide . I just wish that  i could die

I am in hell today.  I am willing to relapse today.  I realize no one cares and that’s cool. I don’t even care myself.  I hate this limbo.  And I’d just rather be dead than have to live out multiple years alone and in limbo.  Frag life and all its movement toward improvement. I get it, I don’t fit in, what I want doesn’t exist and if it did I’ve already screwed myself out of getting it.  I hate this endless trying to make things work when I know they won’t because stuff doesn’t work out…even when I try really really…well I’m sure you get […]

Death is a common subject here, so I’ll start there. I can’t seem to get it through my head that one day, everyone around me will die, and even I will die. My mother will be dead some day. She’s really beautiful. Rust colored hair, light brown eyes, small pale cat-like face, slender, and just absolutely gorgeous. My little brother will die some day. He’s got ocean blue eyes, and his pupils are always huge (he doesn’t do drugs, I swear). He’s smart, strong, funny, and a total lady’s man. My two older sisters will die. They’re both beautiful, smart, sweet, unique, and successful. My […]

Two days ago, one of the most popular and wonderful senior girls at my school asked me to go to dinner with her. I was ecstatic at first. Elated even. She actually asked me! I even decided to put down smoking two days before the date. For her, I thought, the withdrawal would be worth it.  I spent all weekend overthinking things. I couldn’t imagine things going well. I could only imagine hundreds of situations in which I could fuck it up. I dreamed about it. I came to dread it. This was combined with both my natural cynical and bitter viewpoints, as well as […]

How many of you guys at least kind of hope that the world will end? I know that I do. Theoretically, it would be so much easier if the world blew up tomorrow.

What do you guys think?

thwak here that thas life punching you in the face

“shut the fuck up”

thwak there it gos agen

“i dont know why  i lison to you”

you a pece of shit yu know that right

“shut up shut up shut up”

i know you can here me

“if i diyd know one woud care woud thay even if i did it right in front of them”

yer pritey much

“i wasunt talking to you”

yes you were

“thats it”

bang

the blood spredsin a pool on the floor flowing from the boy with a hole in his belley gasping for air slowly as the blood gerguls up from his moth he gos still flying he dosunt here […]

So today was it. Today was the final nail in the coffin. Every reason to stay alive has gone. I’m now a free person in a way.

On January 3rd I met someone who was beyond words to me. I met the most beautiful person I have ever known. After falling in love together, she attempted suicide 5 days afterwards, at 5:09am, and I was sat there, emailing her as she slipped away. Later that day I was emailed by her account. It was her mother. The mother blamed me for it all. I understand why she did, she loved her daughter, because she cares […]

So I tried the helium hood kit today. I purchased the flow control kit and pressure guage from exit and bought the balloon time tank of the recommended size, checked the pressure to see if it was full, made the exit bag as per the peaceful pill books instructions and guess what?… IT DIDN’T WORK!!!! I was sitting there like an idiot with the bag around my head for about 5-10 minutes and I didn’t loose consciousness! I felt a slight tingling in my toes and my voice got extremely high but that’s about it. What a waste of time and money! I spent about […]

I’m beginning to grow tired of this vicious cycle. I meet a nice girl that I like, we get to know each other, I ask her out, she says no. Rinse and repeat. I’ve been depressed for three years. There have been points where it goes away, but it always returns. I don’t even see the point anymore, really. I’ve lost all interest in everything I used to love: philosophy, video games, film, music. Even weed doesn’t make me feel good anymore. Don’t think about giving me the “it’s bad for you” lecture, either. If it were really that bad, why would it be used […]

I really need someone

This is one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. My mom dragged me to church by lying that my aunt was sick and that I needed to babysit my cousin when I got there a pastor came there and it basically felt like everyone was staring at me I don’t mean to seem paranoid and it felt like an intervention. I don’t know why she makes me feel like such a problem child this is the second time this has happened I did try getting help and even went to a social worker at my school but she wasn’t […]

So…

I was on this site about a year ago. I had rigged together 2 helium tanks, complete with a home-made flow-control option for the gas and a home-made exit bag. I used the first tank to test the gas flow and the integrity of the bag, got in a chair and put the bag on top of my head, with all the air compressed out of it. Around my wrists were some comfortable leather restraints, with a small metal locking device that could be easily clicked into place. I had bought these to restrain my hands after pulling down the exit bag, so as not […]

just makeing shure that im still alive xxxxxx

im haveing a night mare
and know one cares cos evrey ones sick of me
but not just sick of me but detesting me

im in a night mare

of twisting fire and flame

with a petey self hatetrid as a focol pont

with the monsters as my frends

who when my back is ternd

snivel in grops about the ponts of my life

evrey step i take is like the world moves beneth me

its got me by the balls its hiting my head agenst the wall relentlessly never giving in just…..

just what just nothing thats what it is just good night forever and let me sleep

but if […]

People tell me who to be all the time, but I’m not them. I don’t act like them, I’m so different, and I love that.

I don’t want to be society’s cookie cutter girl. I’m not a fucking stereptype who can be labeled. I’m me.

And my foster mother hates that. She wants me to be a pink princess. She wants me to marry prince charming. She doesn’t want me to even think about me having a princess charming. I’m bisexual, a tomboy, and messed up. I’m not her. She doesn’t want me to be unique. If I told her that my dream is to be a […]

I’ve spent the past two days reading and reading about suicide stories and people who are struggling with depression and other psychological diseases. I feel like it’s all my fault. I am the one who has developed severe depression. I am the one who is making my siblings and family suffer with me through my depression. Even though everyone tells me it’s not your fault for feeling the way that I feel, but I still feel so horrible, negative, and guilty. Some people have been raped, abused by loved ones, been through tragic accidents, and some don’t even have a home. Yes, I’ve been through […]

I felt the abyss,
As it soaked me in tears,
I couldn’t believe
All I found in these years

It was over before,
I could open my eyes,
My fear overcame me,
I found hope in their lies,

As I followed false promises,
I lost reason to try,
I used to reach for the stars,
Now I just stare at the sky.

i feel it creeping up on me.
the darkness i can never see.
taking me away,
suffocating me.
i can barely breathe.

I can hear it shouting threats.
wishing me a horrid death.
the demons will invade,
it’s already too late.
i cannot be saved.
it’s over!

I am falling fast.
this will be my last.
no use saving me,
these cuts are way too deep.
a necklace made of rope,
a bracelet made of blood,
water mixed arcenic.
a kiss from a gun.
nothing can compare,
just kick away the chair.
and wait to fade away,
down your drink of death,
and die so peacefully.
Don’t […]