So today was it. Today was the final nail in the coffin. Every reason to stay alive has gone. I’m now a free person in a way.
On January 3rd I met someone who was beyond words to me. I met the most beautiful person I have ever known. After falling in love together, she attempted suicide 5 days afterwards, at 5:09am, and I was sat there, emailing her as she slipped away. Later that day I was emailed by her account. It was her mother. The mother blamed me for it all. I understand why she did, she loved her daughter, because she cares about her like I do. The mother said I didn’t love her and I deserved to be locked up, when all I wanted was her to be happy. She didn’t mean it really I guess. She never acted on it, and she had no reason to, as it was lies.
Then I spoke to my love again, knowing she was ok, and I asked her if she was going to keep her promise that she wouldn’t attempt again if she survived the first attempt. She said no, she still wanted to die. It soon became obvious that all we were alive for was each other. And that time we spent talking was beautiful, I wouldn’t change any second of it, as I love her. She then attempted one night while we were talking as she saw an opportunity. To me, I knew nothing about why she stopped talking. This was 2 months ago.
I kept looking at sites commemorating the dead and her name never popped up, it seemed she was still alive, so I guessed she was in a psych ward, which is something she said could’ve happened. I tried so hard to stay during that time. I really did. I stayed because I loved her. I knew she was ok, I saw changes in her twitter account, so I tried that route.
It eventually worked, albeit badly. And so then we get to today. I logged in to check if she’d done anything, like she usually hasn’t, and I find out she has and can talk. I was so happy to see that. Then she tells me she wants to die and I have to spend an hour telling her she has things to live for, and it didn’t work. She told me that I didn’t love her, and that hurt. I had never felt that pain except when her mother said that to me before, that couldn’t be more wrong to say. Then she said she didn’t love me, which is untrue, she wouldn’t of spoke to me otherwise. I knew she would lose her mind in that psych ward, I knew it, and she was telling me she wouldn’t do beforehand. She just kept trying to make reasons why she wanted to die, but she just can’t make a valid one. It is so locked in her head that she has to die, and I can’t change that, no matter how hard I try. So now she is going to die and I can’t help it. It feels really worth it that I waited for this. This pain is unimaginable.
5 comments
Do you have anybody you’re close to? if not I feel for you because I’m in that same spot
No, I’m never really close to anyone. No friends and a family that doesn’t care, ha, couldn’t be much worse!
What makes it similar for you??
Whatever the pain you feel that you are in now, you must also give yourself some room to think. You know suicide is permanent, and for the infinite amount of time you would be away from this world there would be infinite regret should you ever realise that after all this you had more to live for than you ever knew. Maybe some of this is perception.
Think about this person, as well. I am willing to believe that she is fantastic, as described, but then why not stick around a little longer? I don’t pretend that I know much about relationships, because I’ve never been in one. (Who would want me after all?) One thing I’ve picked up on, however, is that no-one is so special as to make your life suffer. If you are going through this, and some of it is because of her, you should think about moving on. Tragic people exist, after all, but why should you be one, too?
Take my advice as you will, but just remember that you would be missed, if by no-one else (which I doubt,) me.
@FreakShow2 I have been trying to find something to give me purpose for the last 6 months at the very least. She was the only thing, she was the only possibility that I could achieve happiness, without her, that is gone. She was the only hope that the near future could be worth holding on to, because the value of that is slipping away quickly at the minute.
Why not stick around? Well she is going to get herself in an infinite loop of attempting and being hospitalised until she is actually dead one day, and I can’t do anything to stop that. I couldn’t when she first attempted. Maybe I should’ve tried harder. I didn’t really want to step in back then because I wanted her happy and I wanted it to be her choice, but now, I can see she has changed because of the worse depression and constantly suicidal mind frame she has gotten herself into. She has no hope for the future, that is her problem.
I don’t want it to end up tragic, but at the rate everything else is going, it wouldn’t surprise me if it did…