I’ve spent the past two days reading and reading about suicide stories and people who are struggling with depression and other psychological diseases. I feel like it’s all my fault. I am the one who has developed severe depression. I am the one who is making my siblings and family suffer with me through my depression. Even though everyone tells me it’s not your fault for feeling the way that I feel, but I still feel so horrible, negative, and guilty. Some people have been raped, abused by loved ones, been through tragic accidents, and some don’t even have a home. Yes, I’ve been through some slaps and punches from my parents when I was a child. And I’ve had my fair share of bullying, but it’s nothing compared to what others have suffered through. I have a family and although they don’t understand what I’m going through, I have their support. I don’t have to deal with the stress of college, I don’t have anything to be worried about.I still want to die even though nothing is really wrong with my life. I feel like depression isn’t a good enough reason to stop living your life to the fullest. But I physically and mentally can not live my life. I sit at home all day and watch tv. I feel bad for myself. I feel pathetic. I even dropped out of college because of my depression. I blame myself for my own misery.
Did I do this to myself? With all the drugs I experimented with? I’ve always had depression since I was young but did I worsen my depression by smoking weed? By the pills I took or snorted to get high? Doctors, teachers, and parents warn you all the time about the harm drugs can do. I ignored them. I’ve never done coke or crack or those hard drugs, but I can’t stop blaming myself. I can’t stop thinking about what went wrong? What did I do?
1 comment
@mes1234
I know exactly how you feel, even now as I trudge forward through my own sorrow, I know of so many other cases wherein others have it worse than I. I know I live and have lived a relatively easy life and that there seems to be no apparent reason for me to feel this way. Haha, you know its been so long since I’ve felt any period of sustained happiness more than a slight flitter of momentary glee that causes me to guess if it was real or just cruel imaginings. But regardless, our judgements of the approriateness of our emotions do not dull their sting or cease their lingering, and after all, who are we to see if the next person felt the way we did they could carry on at all. Mortal emotions are fickle things yet it is beyond us to assume we are responsible for them, you are not to blame, your friends are not to blame, the world is not to blame for the way you feel. Your mind is the most complex road of nuerons, firing messages faster than your eye can see, do you really believe you can say you do not deserve to feel a certain way? The past is behind us, the future does not exist for all we know, but the present is always here and it is there we shall forever remain. Do not question if the present is correct or “right”, it is what it is. Instead, think not of analytical trappings but replace with what you crave. We are animals, nothing more, nothing less, do not judge your desires; determine what lies at the heart of them and stop at nothing to attain it. We are, in all truth and like everything else in the universe, made from the same thing as stars and planets; there is no magic essence that we a forged with, we and everything else in this universe are all one in this way. You are not alone nor will you ever be, you are wrong nor can you ever be; there is no right, there is no wrong, there is only here, there is only now.