Today as requested I helped my dad in his garden. At one point I held a saw and considered slicing open my throat in front of him. Yes I am that badly advanced in my despair.
He knows that I am seriously depressed but he does not understand how profoundly unwell I am. I don’t seem to be able to tell him, or my similarly ageing mother.
I am starting to get that profound feeling that I have earned my suicide and that it is a foregone conclusion. Recently I’ve visited places from my past for the first time in years. Almost as if I’m saying goodbye. […]