I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
I’ve been counting down the minutes at my high school. I can’t take much more of the classes I’m in. I have hubby bars to combat my depression, but will it help my lack of motivation? Will it help me deal with my deep love for my cousin? Will it protect me from throwing my life away, because life is pointless?
In my FOA2 class, which is Focus on Algebra 2, I was talking with my classmates about the glass is half full and half empty and took the pessimistic viewpoint. It’s significant because that’s my personal viewpoint and I clearly stated it, you have to clearly state your position rather than think someone can see through your fake smile.
I may babble on and when I get a new idea, I will try to create any kind of paragraph concept.
I want to die at war in the Army and if not, then I will just continue a career in the army or join a PMC or even go to college or start trying to live through debt slavery.
I count the minutes till the day I graduate and I want to get through it already. I can’t stand going to school learning useless crap on english and other crap. I understand having knowledge on the history and mathematics are important, but how many people have actually graphed a linear function in any part of their life after high school or college? Maybe being an economist or something, but rarely.
I have my hubby bars to allow peace of mind, every time I want to just give up I can eat a piece and feel better. Its like having a gun in your safe that you take out to shoot at a shooting range knowing it will protect you, except in my case it’s from myself I need protection from.
I started asphyxiating myself to feel a five second high and to forget, I knew it was stupid, I was aware of that, but I fear self-harm through pain and instead chose something to stop the thoughts.
I’m still all in love for my cousin and wish I could be with her, but I haven’t seen her in forever. I want to blaze with her and maybe kiss her to hopefully lower my want to be with her. I have been wanting to see her for that purpose as I put it in my mind and hope I execute that action. If I don’t then it will prove I will never do anything to help myself and just die right then and there, or until I feel like shit a few hours after being high. Not that I feel bad afterwards, the euphoria heightens my mood all day for the next 2 days or so. Well thats all I can say right now. Maybe I might eat a piece and start writing a philosophical viewpoint on the world or something of similar topics.