I feel the darkness closing in…but I
like it! I find comfort in things others
fear. Have I only now realized I’m the
square peg trying to fit into that
round hole? I’ve participated in
“normal life”, but I always feel
out of place. This is something that
has been with me since I can
remember (I’ll be 31 on wed.) Always
nipping at my heals, but not taking a
full bite…until recently. I see a dark
room, lit only with the pale light of the
TV. Me laying on the couch in cold
silence. No one around…just me with
my ever racing thoughts…blood,
flesh […]
Tag:
Apathy
I’ve always thought it’d be better if I was dead. When I found out I was born dead, as in not breathing and doctors and nurses rushing round because I wasn’t going to make it… it makes me laugh my f**king head off. I’m still here, today. What an achievement.
I don’t remember my first suicidal thought. I remember my last. It was a few seconds ago, as always. I think about it every day, but every day I don’t do a damn thing about it and wake up the next morning just to start over again. I’m pathetic like that. Tomorrow’s never going to get […]
I canceled my next appointment with my shrink. I feel as if I’ve given up on myself already. I started cutting again and it feels amazing to wake up from such blankness. That apathy, mind over matter. However, the tolerance is already building; fast this time. I’m already running the cuts under hot water for the extra wake up sensation.
What is it about our society that makes us fear and hate death so much? We are brainwashed, conditioned to value life and disapprove of death.
Maybe it’s because we are born selfish and our actions are primarily done in self interest. For example, let’s say I […]
It’s been 6 years of an undiagnosed, untreated progressive depression.
The Stages:
Stage one just started with deep thinking. What we all go through, what is life worth? who loves me? what would the world be like if i’m dead, etc.
Stage two became mind over matter. This is the point beyond sadness. Cutting never hurt, it was just a way to wake up into reality again, to start feeling again, even it was just sadness.
Stage three was my addiction. I became addicted to cutting as it would relieve me of the emptiness. Cutting eventually stopped working (it works like pain killers, my body developed a tolerance), […]
Older Posts