I canceled my next appointment with my shrink. I feel as if I’ve given up on myself already. I started cutting again and it feels amazing to wake up from such blankness. That apathy, mind over matter. However, the tolerance is already building; fast this time. I’m already running the cuts under hot water for the extra wake up sensation.
What is it about our society that makes us fear and hate death so much? We are brainwashed, conditioned to value life and disapprove of death.
Maybe it’s because we are born selfish and our actions are primarily done in self interest. For example, let’s say I wanted to kill myself. The repercussions results in people becoming sad that they just lost some replaceable part of their life. Who wants to feel more sad than the world is offering right now? We were born to suffer and feel pain, why add an additional sadness to that?
Like all suicidal people, I’ve wondered what would happen or how would people react to my death. Who have I touched, who have I reached out to? I’ve come to realize that in a few years, I’ll just be another lingering memory. People move on. Sure it hits hard once it happens, but time heals you by clouding that memory and replacing it with new ones.
and I leave you with a quote from lethal weapon:
“Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin’ a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day!…”
I’m running out of reasons…