I canceled my next appointment with my shrink. I feel as if I’ve given up on myself already. I started cutting again and it feels amazing to wake up from such blankness. That apathy, mind over matter. However, the tolerance is already building; fast this time. I’m already running the cuts under hot water for the extra wake up sensation.
What is it about our society that makes us fear and hate death so much? We are brainwashed, conditioned to value life and disapprove of death.
Maybe it’s because we are born selfish and our actions are primarily done in self interest. For example, let’s say I wanted to kill myself. The repercussions results in people becoming sad that they just lost some replaceable part of their life. Who wants to feel more sad than the world is offering right now? We were born to suffer and feel pain, why add an additional sadness to that?
Like all suicidal people, I’ve wondered what would happen or how would people react to my death. Who have I touched, who have I reached out to? I’ve come to realize that in a few years, I’ll just be another lingering memory. People move on. Sure it hits hard once it happens, but time heals you by clouding that memory and replacing it with new ones.
and I leave you with a quote from lethal weapon:
“Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin’ a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day!…”
I’m running out of reasons…
<3MisterRiddler
My body, my canvas, you feel my pain, and I feel yours.
3 comments
Hi there, it must be terrible to cut yourself to “feel”. You havent written anything about what you ve tried to do to change it (but saying that I do not mean you havent tried anything). Maybe (very likely) you suffer from depression and some symptoms are just like what you describe. Many different “causes” of depression but result is lowered activity of neurotransmitters that mediates us feeling of pleasure, hedonic satisfaction while doing ordinary activities, basic feeling of satisfaction etc. Without that basic processes life really sucks. Do not believe the thought promoted by these states are the truth (the only truth). By cuttig yourself you activate these areas, but as you know that doesnt stay long. Really do contact psychiatrist, psychotherapist or councellor.
I wish you the best, H.
Hi, I have thought the samething that you have thought. Remember Vincent Van Gogh, he cut off his ears to curb his inner demons…. You are a very unique person and not every people like you would wish a world to be a better place. Eveybody has his own self-destructive tendencies . Some place it in the form of destroying other people. Others destroyed themselves…… As with the brainwashing thing, I think human beings have the fear of destroying their identities so much that they fear death. If there is no fear of death, the likelihood of creating gods in out image would be low. Remember that things are impermanent no matter how secure we want to be and it is up for us to chase the ideals of the societies or acknowledge the truth and be content with it.
What you said about wondering how people would react to your death is the root of it, I think – it’s really about knowing that somebody, somewhere, values your presence on this planet. Unfortunately we often don’t get that recognition til after we’re gone…
I’ve tried outright asking people what they like about me – telling them (not just random people, but people I know really well) that I’m struggling, that I’m down, that I need to know what people like about me.
Not just some blanket, random, “hey, you’re cool,” stuff, but specifics. “What do you like about me?” I’ve asked a couple people.
“Well, you’re really intuitive,” one friend said. That kind of thing. Something that shows the person knows you and gets you at a fairly deep level.
Don’t know if you could ask anybody to do this for you, but maybe if you showed them this blog post they would ‘get’ what’s going on with you? I realize a lot of people might freak. So obviously you could only show someone you’d trust not to freak at seeing the word ‘death’ carved into your arm (assuming they haven’t already seen the real-life version).