I’ve always been a sad person. Recently I thought I had finally found happiness and then out of nowhere he left me. I hate feeling so petty. The man I love left me. So what. It happens every day. Yet I have never felt more sad. I feel like a turtle that is on its back and can’t turn myself back. I finally let myself be myself and he left. One day we were fine and then the next we weren’t. The wind has been knocked out of me. I wish I could understand. I wish I could breath. I wish, I wish , I […]
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I’d go back to yesterday, when I slipped that noose around my neck but stopped when I heard them coming up the stairs. I’d hold the door shut until I was finished.
I’d go back 6 months and not send that letter to you. I’d remember to lock the front door so they wouldn’t have found me.
I’d go back 12 months and cut a bit deeper with that straight razor. I wouldn’t tell people I needed help, I wouldn’t tell them I was glad I had them, because I never did.
I’d go back 18 months and just tell you to fuck off. Maybe this could have […]
I am constantly berated by people for my [previously] unexplainable hatred for children. Everything about them annoyed me to my core. They are whiny, immature, uncivilized, and rude. I hate the very nature of children. Go ahead and share your disapproval of my opinions of kids, it’s not like I’m used to being called every name in the book.
Today, I had a remarkable realization. I never had a childhood. I was constantly expected to act like an adult no matter what age I was. I remember a particular time where I was very ill. I was bedridden and I was complaining to my mother about […]
I’m pretty sure half of us Ben to a mental hospital or asylum. I already went back like twice I feel as if I’m going to go back again and I don’t know what will happen. I just wanna be in a coma for 3 years or something like that advice?
(*???)v
There’s a lot of posts that go through here, so I expect that the people who read this post didn’t read my earlier one… I promised to say something if I somehow didn’t go through with my suicide. Well, long story short, my ex-girlfriend stopped me, and said to me that she ‘loves me’ and ‘cares’ about me deeply. I knew in the back of my mind that she had to say that whether it was true or not, and my gut told me it wasn’t. However, my heart needed to cling onto anything in that moment to help me survive. After going to the […]
This list is for a specific person, but for anyone out there who would like to be my friend/ already is my friend, you must be able to tick atleast one of the following attributes.
1) The way you brushed your hair out of your eyes.
2) You never pretended to find my jokes funny…
3) …Unless you actually thought they were.
4) Your self conciousness.
5) The way you’d comfort me when I was down.
6) Your cooking skills were unparalleled.
7) Your favourite Smiths song is “Frankly Mr Shankly”
8) Your crush on the guy that lived across from us.
9) You weren’t afraid to say it how you saw it.
10) The […]
basically my life is hopeless no matter any situation, I’m always the one in the back corner by myself. I don’t want to live, I’ve been on and off suicidal for 2 years now, not one person in my family knows I am suicidal, and that I tied a noose and put it around my neck ready to jump one night. No one knows. Even in this moment I type, I want to stab myself in the throat every waking moment.
I just wanted to tell someone finally. Get it out after so long.
So, my only actaul friend that I have, is embarrassed to tell people that we hang out. I kind of picked up on this a few months ago when a few of her other friends didn’t like me so for a while she wouldn’t talk or hang out with me. Then she started messaging me to come over to my house to drink all the time, and that’s about it. Any time I offered her to come with me to the mall or movies, she’d tell me she’s busy. Eventually, I found out that she blew me off to hang out with people who strongly […]
I’m engaged. She’s the most beautiful person in the world. But I feel so fuckin alone like.. I no she’s the one for me. Recently her roommate don’t like me and made me move out so I did just that . we’ve grown distant quickly. Three days I’ve been back at my grandmothers house. And she has broken promises and knows of my problems… She’s driving me over the edge …yes I’ve told her…and I beg of her not to keep hurting me… But …she doesn’t care… Not text no calls back she’s slowly breaking me know in I’m fucked up in the head… Why […]
I can feel it inside of me. Bubbling up, and boiling over.
Like a runaway train barreling down the tracks.
God help the girl tied up at the end of the line.
I’ve done my best to alter my own course.
I listened.
I engaged.
I followed every order they gave me.
I have the day planned out to a tee. I just don’t know when that day will be. It’s soon, that much I know.
I have to earn their trust back, enough to gain leniency.
Then I have to use guilt to cut the remaining threads.
Once that’s done, I’ll be free.
I’m not proud of what I’ve done, nor am I proud of […]
I get crap for literally everything.
My music, my hair, my weight, my face, my personality, my sexuality, just everything.
I’m so tired of it..I know it seems ridiculous, but every day I get told to kill myself or hurt myself in general. I know I could just ignore it, but it’s not that easy when it constantly happens.
I don’t want to exist anymore. I won’t be hard to be forgotten. I’m just a waste lf space, time, and life. People have tried to help me, but it feels like there’s this darkness that kust pulls me back. No matter how hard I try. It’s killing me. […]
I wonder what the journey to death is like.
I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife, although I like the idea of one.
Will there be a long, dark tunnel to gates of white?
Or a long, dark tunnel to blackness?
Paradise or Nothingness?
My money is on there being nothing in death. But that’s okay with me, if there is no conscious thought after life ends, then I have no ability to be unhappy.
I am trying to escape the influence of those who have hurt me, but it’s like that nightmare where you’re running away from someone and every time you glance back they’re still nipping at your heels, […]
Where to begin.. I suppose I should begin with my introduction to antidepressants. I’ve gone through several different brands and have yet to be impressed. I’ve always felt the need to avoid medication at all costs, as taking meds would be an admission of emotional instability; Once I get on them, I’m officially crazy. But, I began to sink lower than I ever had before in my previous bouts, and I became fearful enough of my own thoughts that I decided medication was my only option. Scary thing, antidepressants.. All those side effects. The dependency….
I’ve been seeing a girl […]
I don’t have Internet connection on a regular basis so if I want to write a post for this site I have to pre-write it and save it fir when I do have Internet. This is a bummer in one way because if I don’t have my laptop the next time I get Internet I can’t post it or if I have it on my flash drive but only have my cell phone the next time I have Internet then I can’t post it either.
So, now that I have that all explained away, I suppose I will update those who care or are even […]
night
a never ending night rains down
darkening all things mortal
nothing else can be seen
but farewell whispers
curling into the night
fogging the air
everything will
disappear
misappear
contorted in appearance
with little interference
nothing to turn back to
but a darkness only night can consume
consume your soul
why stop it now?
slip into the trenches
and drown in sorrow
there is nothing left to lose
I think I’m going to kill myself soon. I’m not sure when, but I’ve started to formulate a plan. So many times before, when I’ve thought of ending it, the people I loved and cared for held me back. I don’t have that anymore. It just hurts knowing I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to get an education, to travel, to own nice things, or have other people love me unconditionally. My entire time on this planet has just been reinforcing this idea the entire time. I’m tired. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Haven’t sleep ok in months. Neither tonight. But this morning… the cold seems to be gone. My dog’s head is on my arm. Somehow, the world seems to be quiet, and birds start to be back. For almost an hour, I slept like a child. Time to wake up. I’m still afraid of talking to people.
But for an hour, everything was ok.
I keep thinking about going to therapy again… it never helped me before though… I dont know what to do… i dont exactly have cash on hand for an appointment… Admit myself back into a hospital???… ive never been with a bunch of other adults though… just adolescents… im too terrified of the adults there… would i have to stay for a really long time??? how much would i have to pay for it??? is it even worth it at all??? a knife or water can end it all much faster for me with little to no major pain… id be free, well, sort of… […]
Who would go to my funeral if I did it, if I really went through with it? Would they cry, spend a day mourning me like they did him? Or would I be another statistic in this world, another person put through the machine and spat back out? Would they think I was weak, would they respect me, would they talk about me, would they feel guilt for all the thing’s they should’ve and shouldn’t have said? Would my cousin cry? Would she? Would he? Where would I end up, who would lay me down to rest, and who would speak the final words, what […]
My depression is continuing to get worse. I’ve reached a new point where I find that I’m actually starting to enjoy this feeling of despair. I’m starting to enjoy all of the emotional pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the sorrow. It’s strange, just a few days ago I hated it and all I wanted was to be happy. But lately, I’ve been craving it. It almost gives me a kind of high. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been like this for so long, that it’s starting to grow comfortable. Happiness feels so foreign now, that I just want to crouch back into my dark […]