What is hope? Hope is an ideal. An ideal that involves some conception of a type of safety…whether it be in a hope for something in the future, and hope that someone actually cares, a hope that someone will actually understand, whatever it may be. But what can be said of hope when there is no such thing as safety? There is no safety in friends, no safety in success, no safety even in family. There is no safety in myself. It’s like there are some kind of demons in my head that won’t leave me alone. Everything good is bad, everything bad is worse. […]
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well, folks, made it one more day.went to appointments with whitecoats. they actually let me leave. i was pretty amazed. dont know what kind, if any, help they will be,but hey, a little effort is better than none right? i dont trust these people,and old bad memories are evrywhere. i would prefer a more holistic approach, as that path has proved the most successful FOR ME, the physical effects of this past crisis still abound. weak, tired, feel like i have been hit in chest with sledgehammer,cant breathe, thoughts slow and sluggish, but that nagging desire to end it has finally subsided. once again. for […]
dear people, well after a really bad week, decided to give up and surrender to the whitecoats.in going to my appointment, please know that i carry all the shame and guilt that comes with this decision. all those studies and tests i was part of didnt do shit. cant wait to see what is in store for me now. they mean well, but dont know and cannot understand what we go through. i came to this website looking for meathods. i stayed because what i found here hurts my heart worse than the depression. so many people. so many people. i was surprised. really, i […]
i was playing basketball today and the ball hit my middle finger, and it hurt so bad but that not the thing, the thing is they keep on playing dodging me on the floor NOBODY moved his finger to ask me if i was okay, am i invisible the big question why does everybody do not gives a fuck about me
I find my post is different than most but also has an underlying similarity…. Suicide aside. I’m almost 30. I have a good job, the usual BS to deal with. I’ve travelled the world. I’ve seen amazing things and experienced one of a kind moments. I’ve laughed till I cried, I have stories that could lead to movie bestsellers…. I could list a million reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself but the hurt I carry with me is too heavy.
Like others, my childhood was not perfect. Lots of fighting, confusion and pain, but that’s not what I blame. I grew up as the youngest of […]
It’s gotten so bad lately. Like, seriously, I’m doing worse in school and I’ve been so close to ending it 4 times in the past 2 months. I have it all planned, I can just never execute the plan. What am I suppose to do? Everything is getting worse, my friend might die from an illness and my other “friend” just causes me stress and makes it hard to not relapse. I already have but I’ve been clean since but it’s so hard to not relapse. I want it. But I don’t. I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t want to hurt. Sometimes I feel […]
life is love for somebody but when you love somebody you will miss them and it hurts but when you lose those you love and miss you feel like you got hit by evrything bad but in time you lern to see the little shine there is in death and when you find out what death is you wil know that it is a pretty thing,
I mistakenly got excited–not a lot, but enough to allow me to become disappointed when everything fell through and nothing turned out how I thought I would. I do not get excited very often. I loathe excitement and people who feel it a little too often for my tastes. They are more liable to get their hopes up, as well, which would make me feel bad for them, which would then just make me feel bad in general. Anyway, I went home for Thanksgiving break from college and for some reason thought that I would feel better, that being around my family would make me […]
I remember a few months back, I was so stressed. My mom and siblings couldn’t understand me at all. I used to cry in the shower, shower in the dark, I wanted to die so bad, but I love life.. My story may not be as intense as other but I just wanted to share my story, you should love life, and there is a suicidal phone number where you can call to talk to people. What may come to you may hurt you but life only wants to see how strong you are, so don’t let it hurt you, show it that you can […]
I am really nothing…
hi my name is **** *****. i am 1?-years old… hehe i don’t know how to start telling my life, but I’m not really good at English… I writing this because I think it will make me feel better… umm… I grew up in small city. When I was 3-8 years old, I have painful days and happy days of course. my parents were drunk, fighting, every Friday, Saturday, it was never changed 5-years, always drinking, fighting. me and my big brother and my lil sister, crying in room, our word never changed our parents, we always tell them to stop […]
Whenever I talk about suicide with my family or friends, they always say the same things: it’s wrong, it’s selfish, it’s just NOT GOOD. And yeah, I get the part that by doing it, you’d hurt those that love you. But the thing is, when I think about suicide, I think about how the people around me would be better off in some way and how I’d spare them and the people that I might cross paths with in the future. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be a bad person. And that’s one of the reasons why I want to […]
I have noticed a relatively common theme among suicidal people is the belief that the people around them – and the world in general – would be “better off” without them. They often express remorse and inner turmoil for the pain they have caused others.
It’s strange – even during my own darkest moments, I never believed anyone would actually be “better off” without me. No better or worse? Absolutely (truthfully, that is where much of my pain derived from – the fact that it didn’t seem to matter whether or not I existed). But not better.
The way I see it, if you recognize the fact […]
What is the point of living anymore?
I will never reach any of my goals. I will forever be stupid, fat, and unwanted. No one I like will ever return the feelings. I will never have friends who truly care, not even enough to learn trivial things like my birthday.
What is the point of living, if my father will still deny that he abuses me, and that I have depression that has been diagnosed by my many therapists. What is the point of living if my mother will blame the disasters in her life on me, and threaten to walk out on me.
What is the point […]
For some lucky individuals, autism frees them. Unfortunately for me, it traps me. I live in the world of repetition. My past aka my bullying days haunts me everyday. I really tried to let it go. but to no avail. My family refused to believe I have tried.
Whatever bad experiences I had haunts me everyday. That is the symptom of autism. Same thoughts comes to you in a cyclic manner. I struggled to gain acceptance in the past without success. I used to think what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t nobody likes me? Why am I so slow […]
How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? The guy who hurt me when I was little messed me up so bad. I have a hard time trusting adults, I have a hard time being in a relationship with a guy, if my boyfriend were to touch me a certain way, like he did, I would freak out and have to distance myself from him. And my boyfriend wouldn’t understand why I was acting the way I was. I want to be normal And when my boyfriend leans in to kiss me I won’t freak out. Or if he puts his arms around me […]
I’m so tired of everyone. All the obligations and responsibilities I inevitably have being the oldest child. Though I don’t think I am a child anymore. I have so many expectations to constantly live up to, and when I don’t, I become a failure in my familys eyes. I have a habit of not finishing what I start. School, by some miracle I graduated, though I wasn’t allowed to attend graduation or promotional because instead of expelling me, they just told me to not come back the last month of school in order to get my diploma. I went to the military after that. I […]
God loves a fool. That is the reason I am still here. It is not because I have strong survival skills. My parents was proud of having a strong baby girl overcoming autism.
Unfortunately, I am not. I think it is a mistake they made for having me. Somehow I think I am burden to them as well as to this world. I guess if it weren’t for me, the autistic kid, my sister and brother could have turned out well . I grew with the world centering around me . I spent my entire childhood visiting psychiatrist, trying all kinds of things […]
So today I started posting on this blog for suicidal people. I posted and eventually a buncha people started egging me on to cut myself some more. Obviously I have terrible self esteem so I did it. I started broadcasting my cutting. They were asking for it. So I did it. How did my life get so bad? Why is my timing in life so bad? Nobody will ever understand. They’ll all just assume. Assume assume. All I’ve ever wanted is a girlfriend. I went to a seminar in las vegas to gain confidence with woman. Shortly afterwards I had sex with the first non […]
I have a wonderful boyfriend, a great job, friends who do care and yet here I am on a Friday night on this website. To the point – i am struggling with coping with everything. A lot has happened recently. Both my parents have been unwell recently. My dad suffered from a heart attack and my mum had a really bad infection. They were both admitted into the hospital and it was only me on my way. My dad was in another ward and my mum was in the other so I had to frequent back and forth to make sure each were ok. It […]
I used to self harm on a fairly regular basis. It helps me feel in control of my out of control life. I promised my boyfriend I would quit. I used to have him sit in the shower with me just so I wouldn’t be alone and tempted to use the blade I keep hidden in there. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my left arm to cover the scars and make a promise to myself that I wouldn’t do it again.
Well..today I failed.. no one will see them. No one pays attention and I’m a very convincing liar. My psych doctor calls […]