I used to self harm on a fairly regular basis. It helps me feel in control of my out of control life. I promised my boyfriend I would quit. I used to have him sit in the shower with me just so I wouldn’t be alone and tempted to use the blade I keep hidden in there. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my left arm to cover the scars and make a promise to myself that I wouldn’t do it again.
Well..today I failed.. no one will see them. No one pays attention and I’m a very convincing liar. My psych doctor calls me an amazing actress because I never really show how bad things are.
I’m afraid this is going to be habitual again. I needed to tell someone..
5 comments
When you think you’ve lost all of your marbles and that there is no lower you can go there are always a few more marbles to be lost. I learned this myself. Unfortunately there is no way that doctors who think inside the box and that’s probably why there are so many nutcases out there. Inadequate treatment and with misdiagnosis are what most doctors specialise in.
^As you can see, I’ve got a serious problem. I wasn’t like this before.
My doctor is a wonderful man. I’m better than I’ve ever been. Unfortunately that’s not saying much heh.
RitualMusic,
Relapsing isn’t the end of the world, especially seeing as you went a period of time without self-harming. I think the important question is why you feel this will once again become a habit. You had the strength to stop once, which shows that you have the power to do so again. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
I see your point L4Y, the reason I feel it will become a habit again is because of how much relief I felt doing it. The concentration of the pain and the control of how much I bled. It’s an endorphin rush to me that is badly needed. I stopped before. because if I didn’t I would have died. I agree that it is possible for me to stop again, it’s just not going to be easy.