I am such a loser. I have no friends, I haven’t talked to someone that was not in my family for almost a year. I am home schooled online so I never have to leave the house. I am 2 years behind in school. I don’t ever do any schoolwork. It feels like I am dead, I do nothing all day. I don’t feel like doing anything at all except sleep, or read. My mom wants me to call the teachers or do work, but everything seems pointless. I am a stupid mass of cells, there is nothing good about me at all. A piece […]
Tag:
Cells
Last day at work for the year today.
I don’t want to seem like I’m obsessed with myself, but I probably am. I feel so alone and unloved. No matter where I am or who I’m with I’m always alone.
I feel unsafe. I’m listening to Breathe Me by Sia and it makes me want to cry. But I can’t cry.
I keep playing death over and over in my mind on an endless loop like a song I can’t get out of my head, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet. The councillor asked me the other day if I actually want to die, […]
I have been severely beaten and tortured, by cops, by deputies, by inmates, by psychOtechs, by inpatients, and by myself. Many profound cells and hallways of anguished misery, and some horrible experiences with four-point restraints and injections.
Suicide and Reclamation
It’s so cold and dark in this place
I’d cut myself open to show you
Our blood is the same
Water stings as it kisses cuts like my mothers lips
Something about submerging myself seemed to be like a baptism.
I remember when my pastor dipped me in the water.
I want to be clean again.
I want to tell you I’m sorry…for what I can’t remember.
All I know is that I was wrong.
Alcohol burned so much I thought it killed what made me sick even those dirty sinful memories.
I want to be pure again.
I want to hold someone […]
Im not depressed. I have the medications to thank for that, however what theyve done to me by no means deserves thanks. Oh sure, the severe BPDs gone but i didnt know i was trading it for absolutely nothing. They killed any small part of me that mightve passed as human; they hollowed me out. How am i supposed to live a life like this, a medically-made sociopath, where feeling is impossible and nothing will ever matter to me. I just dont care anymore, i cant. Everyday just seems more pointless then the last. The world around me is fading.
If i dont manage to kill myself, the […]