Suicide and Reclamation

Suicide and Reclamation

It’s so cold and dark in this place
I’d cut myself open to show you
Our blood is the same
Water stings as it kisses cuts like my mothers lips
Something about submerging myself seemed to be like a baptism.
I remember when my pastor dipped me in the water.
I want to be clean again.
I want to tell you I’m sorry…for what I can’t remember.
All I know is that I was wrong.
Alcohol burned so much I thought it killed what made me sick even those dirty sinful memories.
I want to be pure again.
I want to hold someone close to me
Sometimes when things are broken they can’t be fixed
I wanted to share my world with others, but others don’t play so nice
I sought God’s love, but I couldn’t find him.
I sought a man’s love, but I couldn’t find him.
I sought self abuse to find love, because I forgot that there is a fine line between love and hate and the liquor is spilled all over it.
I couldn’t look in the mirror and see love in the reflection.
All I saw were the scars my brother gave me, the lies my mother gave me, the nothingness my father gave me and the vessel I carry them with.
I couldn’t believe that I made this world a beautiful place when all I could see was ugliness.
My tears try to cleanse me.
But I lost my shame when I found a cure.
Water smoothes away all the ugliness in this world.
When I return to where I was born I will feel beautiful again.
I will be pure again.
And I wont bother anyone.
And I wont make a sound.
I will walk into the ocean and let the current carry me back down into that cold dark place with none of my memories.
The levees that hold back the water in my cells breakdown and flesh dissolves.
Damned emotions
Heaviness of the heart evaporates.
Toxic memories are leached and diluted until they resemble dreams
Darkness Falls
The process of Reclamation