Lets start here… I have been with my boyfriend for more than 7 months. I know he loves me, he will cry in front of me when i’m mean to him (I’m bipolar) and he does sweet things for me. But here’s the problem… I’m overly jealous and insecure and it gives me really bad anxiety. I’m this way because All my life i’ve been around a mother who goes from boyfriend to boyfriend and would tell me how shitty men are and that they are all the same. Growing up around her made me believe everything she told me. So soon enough i started […]
Tag:
everything
i dont even know where to start… the title sums up everything.
At the moment that I am typing, I am quite drunk. Unlike all the times in the past, for the very first time, I am actually drunk for a good reason. I am not drunk because I am depressed. I am drunk because I am actually happy. I will be able to tell by tomorrow if I will be okay though.
I was making this IHOP shots (50% of Butterscotch Schnapps + 50% of Crown Royal Whiskey shot.. and then followed by orange juice) . It is actually quite tasty. After about 7 to 8 shots..you feel this feeling of FREEEEe……dom. Anyway, I am quite conscious […]
I’ve been dealing with depression for half my life. Originally I thought that getting out of my parents house would help. there, I lived constantly waiting for the next incident, next fight, and the only way I ever learned to walk was on eggshells. I tried diving into painting, but it didn’t always work. By the time I graduated high school, I was cutting, throwing up and eating as little as possible almost every day.
I thought that moving away and attending college would help, but instead things only got worse. All of my bad behaviors became more frequent, to the point that they actually caused […]
I know nobody here reads my stuff but i still write hoping it helps my thought process. I told him everything sat night and of course he didnt take me seriously. I even had the gun cocked and ready and he just ignored me then took the gun when i had laid it down because i was crying. The next day he put it back where i had it like nothing happened. Why doesnt anyone take me seriously? Or am i that much of a failure that i really wont succeed in taking my own life either and its that obvious i suck at everything […]
I can feel myself being pulled under,
Deep into the depths of the ocean
I look up; I can see the dim sunlight underneath the water
The last glimpse of sunlight I’ll ever see
I use my hands to claw on to whatever I can find
But to no avail, they splash through the murky sea
I think of all the things I’ve done
The good and the bad
And how they would reflect me in my passing
Like the reflections of the sky in the ocean
Through the light and the darkness
Through the sun and the storms
My life was merely just a chapter in a book
And my chapter would be passed over for more
For […]
This is my last post here.
I decided to take things into my own hands, to face with everything that comes. Something happened recently and it is really hard to look at myself in the mirror. I deserve everything bad that will happen to me because i did terrible things myself. I longed to become like people around me and i have succeeded. I never thought i will but what is left is shame. All my actions that took place the previous year were done by a selfish person. I managed to drove away all the people who truly care about me. I fell in love […]
Hey guys. I need some advices here. I know at the end it’s totally up to me but I don’t know, maybe you could help.
I’ve been feeling very very down the last 3 weeks. I was really giving up about life. I did post something about this not long ago. Somehow, yesterday, I found the strengh to tell a friend that I needed to talk. We talked a little bit by text message and I asked if she could find time to meet in real person to talk. And she said yes. Seriously, I know Im not lucid now ’cause I’m hurt and it was […]
I was sad to see that most posts here are from young teenagers who are depressed. I thought they are too you to be this unhappy. Then I realised… I haven’t been happy since I was like 10. So what. People keep saying anything to keep us alive; that things can get better, that things can change. In a way, yes, i had some happy moments in my life (Im 30), I improved alot. But in the end, when I go to sleep, more often than not, I just wish to never wake up again and I’ve been feeling like this for a long time. […]
It’s 2014 and I can’t say I feel anything “new” about it. These days, which fly by ridiculously fast, a new year really signifies how much I still haven’t done or accomplished. Every year I make it to the next day, I begin to see the clouds in the sky that used to be a bright, beautiful blue during the day. At night, the clouds still appear overhead, instead of the bright, shiny stars I once thought to shoot for over long distances. Over three decades or so on this planet, and I would assume by now I would have more clarity in my perspective of this world, as […]
There is an empty feeling that resides in my soul. I have searched every logical avenue to end this horrible feeling. I have been through hell and back, and as I look back the only reason I kept going was because I had meagre problems to overcome and each time I would succeed I would experience an acute sense of joy. I suffer from anxiety, depression paranoia you name it. Whether or not it was self inflicted from my history of drug abuse, traumatic events or my family history of mental illnesses or the potentiation of all of the above, this feeling is f*cked up. […]
I’m struggling with my own life and most of the time i think that everyones life will be a whole much better if i’m not around, so most of the time i feel like self harming or just ‘falling’ of a building because yes they will be sad but after a few days they wont even remember my name, for most of my life i have been bullied for being different and i never feel like i fit in any where even when at home, when i was young my parents kept agueing and then they split up and seeing my mum go pretty much […]
Life : A race with the speed of light to the stop sign at the end of the street
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, don’t stand still now or you’ll start to rust
You don’t know how to cope, as this cognizance becomes a curse
Introspectively trying to assign worth to this existence
You find your only desire, is to set this soul afire
Breathing in smoke from the great blaze
Everything else, starts to fade
Pain,heartache
L
I
F
E
Now gone
Now all that’s left
Is the […]
Ok..so you to a mall shopping for the party which you have to attend. You have searched almost every shop but didn’t find anything you like. You are dissappointed. Just when you are about to leave you see an extremely amazing dress on display. It’s the prettiest thing you have seen.It’s the right size, the right colour, it goes with your shoes perfectly. And it is in your reach. It’s just perfect. Everything you where looking for. You are in awe. You are happy, excited, amazed. You are in love with this dress! You decide to buy it. You go to counter and tell […]
I love someone.
Do they love me back?
I’ll never know.
I hope they do.
But you just can’t be certain these days.
But…
Today…
I felt affection.
Affection from someone I could actually touch.
Someone that doesn’t live 2,000 miles away.
Maybe it’s a sign.
A sign that I should stop pretending that our relationship will  work.
I just feel like I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t bare the thought of not being able to hold your hand until we’re 18.
5 years.
5 years of agony
and being alone.
It was a small sign.
Just holding hands in the dark.
No one will ever know.
No questions.
But yet no answers.
Does it mean something or was the whole thing a big mistake?
I don’t know.
But I […]
Older Posts