I know nobody here reads my stuff but i still write hoping it helps my thought process. I told him everything sat night and of course he didnt take me seriously. I even had the gun cocked and ready and he just ignored me then took the gun when i had laid it down because i was crying. The next day he put it back where i had it like nothing happened. Why doesnt anyone take me seriously? Or am i that much of a failure that i really wont succeed in taking my own life either and its that obvious i suck at everything i do? I tried to talk to him today about something else but one thing led to another and next thing i know im crying and losing it again. I feel unappreciated and overwhelmed with taking care of the house and him and both girls, one of whom im trying to potty train but failing like in everything else. The fact he never helps me even when i ask or even says thank you makes me just feel like shit. Then he cant find anything to talk to me about when i ask him so im not lonely to please talk to me. Its like i suck so bad that he cant even find anything to talk about with me. I guess thats why he cheated. Thats why he wants to leave me. I told him all this and of course he got mad. Im not relaxed enough. I need to chill and go with the flow. After all he did to me? I tell him i dont understand and that i just cant yet. And that pisses him off more. Its either his way or his way. I have nooptions. So im having a meltdown and begging him to please forgive mw because i know its my fault i know i messed up and im sorry. He says i need to just shutup and leave him alone. I just cant stop til he makes me feel better and hes not mad anymore tho. And that pushes him further. So i ask him to just tell me something to make me feel better about myself. He says i look pretty. Obviously hes being a douche and i ask is there anything i am or i do thats good? And hes silent. He cant think of anything. He says i dont know. And i dont either. So why bother? Even he cant find one good thing about me. I hate myself and what i have become. Im nothing and i dont know why i stay. What the hell is wrong with me?
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Hey..believe in yourself. You life is in your own hands, not his. You have the power to decide what to do with it. Don’t let others get you down. You can make a hell of difference in your kids’ life. You can be a hero to them. Just pick your self up and think about the people who love you and need you. You can make a positive difference in the world.
I believed in myself once. He was a loser headed towards a life of crime and alcoholism. I made him better and got him to turn his life around. Thats why this whole mess is so hard for me to wrap my head around. If making a positive difference in his life got me to where i am now then how is trying anymore going to help? Not to be rude. I really appreciate you commenting. I just dont understand how im supposed to keep trying if my biggest success has now turned into my biggest failure.
That guy is what’s wrong with your life, Ms DKA. Pardon my uneducated perception but he’s a classic narcissist, and you’re being abused mentally and emotionally. You’re in need of professional social worker help with your situation. My wife used to be in that situation with her ex, and I want you to know that you too will be fine, even your babies. Being a mom is a 24-7 responsibility, the greatest. you’re a good woman to be struggling to hard to care for your family and home, but… You need a support group. Use the internet well on that. This is your home, not your torture chamber. His decision to be a bad man is his decision, not your fault. If you were capable of making him do anything, then he would behave like a good husband instead of you know what.
You are a good woman to care for your children. You are normal to recognize bad when you experience it. You are a good person, and the world needs more people like you that want things to go right. You stay because you know you are worthy of a better man and a happy family life.
Don’t tell the social worker you want to kill yourself, tell them the truth – He’s hurting you to death. Child support and a restraining order are the least the Law can make him do for you and yours. Please stay. Please get help. Please be safe. Peace.
What you did for him is pretty impressive and goes to show that you are a strong person. But we can’t control how feel about us even if we made great sacrifices for them. I am sorry. But suicide is not an option and sinking into depression will make every thing all the more worse. Please give this world one more chance.
Correction: we can’t control how others feel about us even if we made great sacrifices for them
Thank you all for your comment. I am trying. Well trying to try. He is not such a bad person. He never was until just a few months ago. I dont know what happened and thats why we are seeing a counselor. I know i deserve better but i just cant bring myself to look. Im pretty much still a kid. I have been with himsince i was 17. Im only 23 now. So its hard for me to see beyond what i have since i have never had the chance to experience anything else. He really is a great dad and hes awesome with everyone. Except me. Hes very close to my family. None of them know whats happening because they would be devasted and i dont want to mess up the relationships he has with my family. Its just me and who i have become that he doesnt want. But i am trying to be better.
Well, I read your whole post so people do read what you write. I agree with what a lot of Maeva said in his/her posts. A couple things I noticed. You seem to put a lot of emphasis in what your husband thinks and are looking to him to make you feel better. You can’t control what someone else does but you can control the way you think about yourself. I would focus on getting in the habit of saying good things about yourself to yourself. That’s the person you need to hear it from.
You seem to come down really hard on yourself and that’s another thing I would work on changing. If you were a bad person you wouldn’t be concerned about all this stuff. We all mess up. Today I’m going to the liquor store and get a 1.5 liter bottle of wine and I’ll probably drink the whole thing in one sitting. The worst possible thing I could do because it causes a chemical imbalance in me the next day that makes me want to leave the planet. And I can’t take the anti depressants I’m prescribed because my doctor told me if I drink with this medication it can cause seizures and kill me.
But I don’t hate myself for any of that. I know I’m just someone who needs help and I try and help myself in spite of the fact that I do things that are working to destroy me. I practice saying good things to myself. I practice meditation and literally feel the love/warmth in the pit of my stomach when I’m laying down and I have my arms folded over my stomach. I also ask for any non physical Entities that are around to offer me help because I’m hurting at that point and I’ll take any help I can get.
I guess the point I’m making is I focus on helping myself because I know on one else is going to. If you could learn to go easier on yourself and stop trying to get other people to make you feel good, because he obviously won’t, and make that your job I think you could get yourself in a much better place than where you are. And one final thing I want to say is you can find a better man then that.
Thanks for your comment gary. What you said about finding good things about myself to help myself is actually something our counselor suggested i do. I have been and it helps but once i start to feel better something happens to knock me back down. Its the whole 1 step forward 2 steps back. I also used to meditate while doing yoga but i have so much going thru my head at all times that its very draining tryinh to do that anymore. And i know their are better men out there. But i happen to attract worse guys than him. Plus the way i see it if a loser like him cant love me how is a good guy going to? They will take one look and go “a guy like him didnt want her? Whatswrong with her?”
OK let me respond to that by going backwards from the bottom of your post. The reason a loser like that can’t love you is because he IS a loser. I don’t know him. Maybe he’s not but for the sake of this conversation lets say he is and he probably doesn’t love himself. A guy (lol I almost wrote a guppy) who had his shit together would treat you completely different. He wouldn’t look at you and say “What’s wrong with you? He’d look at him and say “What’s wrong with him?”
I know how hard and draining it is to try and meditate or do yoga when you’re in your state. I would put that off until you feel better. I know the thing about feeling good and something knocks you back down. Unfortunately that’s what seems to happen. The answer is to get back up and start again. As much of a pain in the ass it is that is the answer. It comes down to persistence and determination. Who’s going to win, you or all that bullshit trying to knock you down. I go through this all the time. Like you said 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Just make sure you get back up and take the next step forward.
Eventually life gets tired of picking on people who keep coming back. I can’t prove this but I believe it takes energy for whatever forces are attacking us. They grow weary just like we do but we can’t see that. All we see is our own energy being chipped away. Just keep coming back and taking that 1 step forward. You have a lot of good stuff in you and it’s needs to be pushed out.
Thanks for that Gary. It does make a difference hearing other people’s perspective on things. I think the only reason I have such a hard time with all this is because this change in him to this ugly person happened quite literally over night about 3 or so months ago and has just been getting worse. I helped him get better and for 6 years we were good. He was good. If he wasn’t so young (26) I would say he was having a midlife crisis. I’m trying my hardest to keep pushing forward. I agree with you in a way about the forces and whatnot. I believe you reap what you sow. I spent my life trying to do good so I can get good back. But I guess its not my time yet.