Faking it.
From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. […]
Tortured. Yet not. Why do I feel so alone. Why do I still want to die. Why. Why. I’m a why kind of girl. Why don’t you care? Why does everyone hate me? Why do people lie when I know the truth? I carry around that noose.. Waiting for something to set me off. Waiting for that perfect timing to set in. Wanting it to be now instead of later. When the time comes.. Will I do it? Will I jump? Will I fall? I mean.. I’ve already fallen. And hit the ground hard. I’m broken. And people say I have no fucking reason to hate myself. […]
I don’t want to die.
I need companionship.
I need someone who will tell me it is alright. I need someone who will lend a shoulder to cry.
I need someone who will not judge me by my choices.
I am so tired of pretending to be strong. of pretending everything is alright and that my life is happy.
I am tired of pretending I don’t need someone.
somehow I feel like despite the fact that I have friends, I am disconnected with everything else. Â so I am seeking companionship.
how many of the people I know will cry when I die? in my mind, I know, they are not a lot. […]
I wrote a post sometime last week. I am not sure of the date as it was mostly a blur.  The time came again. Last Tuesday at 5pm after countless minutes/hours/days/weeks etc etc of wondering if suicide was what I want, I tried to commit suicide for the third time. I popped a hell of a lot of panadol, drank some vodka and cut my wrist (again). This time I was going to be successful, I was bleeding everywhere (I had hit a vein) and I was slowly passing out. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open. Then much to my disgust my mother […]
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