Ever since I was a child I was always so sensitive. when I was four I was run over by a bycycle and spent 4 hours on the operating table with a plastic surgeon them sewing my face up.  When my mother died when I was 8 I did not speak for a year. My father sexually abused me one year after she died after hitting me to make me scared. My father had seven strokes when I was 18. I went to therapy and never really did drugs or do not drink or smoke you could say I have my life together. but […]
Tag:
Pleasures
**This is a jumbled up mess…**
Ever wonder why you bother? I always do. I find nothing in life that is worth fighting for. I feel lost and alone. But I know I’m not. My family, friends, and girlfriend love me very much. It has been them that has kept me from following through with my dark thoughts. I’m writing here today because I made a pact with myself before I started college. If I could no go through with it, then I have nothing left to offer. I told myself it’s over once I get that email, letter, talking too. People saying you failed! Why bother?
It happened.
Now […]
Am I just too coward to embrace the death… Am I still too much attached to people around me and care for their for feelings towards me … Or Is there still some materialistic/physical comfort that really excites me and is unconsciously asking me to hold on to it … or there is really a purpose that divinity had decided for us and we can’t go before fulfilling it …
I feel that the the answer is none of those…
Instead the only reason that I think that I am still alive now is sheer curiosity ….. there’s defn some thing really exciting after death […]
This is mental torture. My brain wont allow positive feelings and pleasures, it rejects them like foreign territory. It is not used to positivity so it doesnt know what to do with it. It teased me by making me feel confident and excided and content and motivated for a very short time then slaps me back in the face and replaces these good feelings with guilt anxiety paranoia saddness bordome and fear. It feeds these thoughts into my mind virtually automaticly , thoughts like “you are undeserving to feel content, get praise, . You are a bad person your doing it all wrong, you cant […]
Tomorrow is so close, yet it seems to take an eternity to arrive. Tomorrow is the day I’ve decided to kill myself. I feel at a general ease with that knowledge, and my brain tells me I should be horrified with the looming prospect of my demise. Screw that, I done being afraid, I’ve had near constant head and stomach aches all week, but now they’re gone. I’m not going to take my meds tomorrow because I didn’t today, no more point anymore. I suspect I will be more anxious and sick tomorrow night, but oh well. I’ll get home, masturbate one last time, then […]
Is the pleasures of the afterlife being good to you? Or is religion correct and are you suffering for being who you were just like you were here? I never understood why you went back on your word right in front of me that night and did what you did, but now I do. The loneliness, betrayal, judgment and depression all got to you. You felt like no one understood you, and I thought you were wrong, but now I realize that you were right, no one did understand you or your struggles, not even me. I’m still not sure if I did the right […]
Theory:
As children, we have primal impulses, pleasures, thoughts, actions, etc. As we grow into our teen years, society does it’s best to strip us of these characteristics. This “stripping” us of what naturally pleases us by imposing infinite amounts of rules that have no benefit to us, cause us to instinctively resist. Society calls this resistance “teenage angst” or “hormones”. Sooner or later, we all seem to comply. We go about our mundane existence feeling empty and purposeless inside. Why would our society condone and administer such a hostile act?
The answer is simple:Â The ones who control our society are the same ones who profit […]
So. There is nothing holding me back. There is no one who loves me, no one who cares about me. The last one who existed on this earth, my father, got run over by a truck a year ago next month. I am a single woman in my 40’s who grew up in an abusive household and will never have a mate or children or a loving home. I want to die more than anything in this world. Each night i lie sobbing on the floor, pulling the side of one hand down the wrist of the other, feeling the cool, smooth sensation of a […]
Thank you, Lord!.
Thank you, Father!.
Thank you, God!.
You truly are the path of happiness and joy.
I have never in my life felt more happy than now at this very moment.
The darkness of the world confuses us, and makes us pursue earthly desires… money, vanity, lust, fame, food….
Lord break our chains to these sins. We have become slowly slaves to these earthly desires. We wallow in our sins, and we rationalize to ourselves that this is the way. That such pleasures that never fill but increase our void is what is right.
Lord break our chains to these sins. Let us break free. Slaves no more […]