You know its been a long time since I last smiled.I’m not talking about a casual smile…I’m talking about a real smile, a smile that actually means something.sure when I watch comedies I sometimes laugh, and that intern produces a smile.but these days my laughs and smiles feel more forced than anything.it gets tiring having to put on this mask of mine.its hard and it only serves to make me feel much more alone than I already am.im tired.I would love to sleep.I wish I could just go to bed and never wake up.i wish that I could dream a good dream and never wake […]
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real
Being alone and being lonely are completely different notions. Being alone is the act of being secluded or apart from other human beings…Being lonely is the emotional detatchment you get from having no emotional connections. You can be in a stadium full of people and still be lonely. That is what I am, lonely. I revel in being alone. I love it. I can walk around my apartment naked if I really wanted to and there would be no one to complain but myself. And up until recently, I never minded be lonely, either. But now, I’m losing sight of any real reason to continue. […]
Who am i.
What am i.
Is any of this real.
I was brought into existence so why the fuck cant i feel.
I’ve thought myself crazy
Nothing seems benign.
I cant bring myself to distinguish good times from death that passes by.
It’s fake.
A lie.
It’s all just in my mind.
It started with philosophies but now i don’t know if i’m alive.
Who am I.
Can I convince myself that I’m fine? For a while I’ve been relatively ok. Not majorly depressed, and not happy….just existing.
My kitty had a seizure this evening, and my mother got bit real bad (cat is diabetic and her sugar dropped to practically nothing). I’ve had this cat since I was 3. So she’s 17 now. It was awful….I’m going to lose my buddy in a few months. I have no choice. But death is a part of life.
Tonight’s stress seems to have made me relapse. I don’t want to cut again, but I feel like I have to simply because I haven’t for almost […]
I don’t even know if I should even be writing this post. When I used this site a long time ago I only ever used it as a place to confess, have my last words, that kind of thing. It was like I could just dump my emotional baggage here and be done. No need for comments to boast my ego or tell me that I’m worth it and I certainly did not use this site as a way to fish for compliments. It’s turning into other forums, the ones where people are like, “honestly, do you guys think I’m pretty?” I understand we all get a little […]
It has no title cause I can’t think of one. Here it is.
I tried to figure out
Why my heart is full of doubt
Once I felt love, then I was betrayed
Felt life crumble, and begin to fade
Paranoid, my mind filled with lies
who I am I began to despise
so I took myself and I hurled
my heart to the ground, and shattered my world
I became nothing, no love, no pain
Just held razor blades to my vein
I cut deeper and deeper, just to feel
till pain and pleasure became real
but got carried away, and cut too deep
at last my friends, I can sleep
She never loved me. But God, I loved her more than anything. I loved her more than life. She was the only thing in this stagnant world that gave me a single shred of real happiness. But she’s gone. And she’s been gone for quite a while.
Suicide has always been a friend of me. It’s always been next to me, sometimes out of sight but never out of mind..
I don’t think I want to live anymore.
Since many years,the world had been control by a group of elite families,their objective?complete control of the world,introduce a fascism way more worse than the past one.thousands of cameras in the cities,,new 2014 chips inserted in kids to ensure their security,television and football to take away the atention from the real problems..The most powerfull families cleaning the path for the arrival of the antichrist,he will come in form of hero,intelectual and you know God.The majority of the people would believe in him,if you dont you would be persecuted and isolated ,they will call you insane.When every single one is […]
Is it wrong, should I push through this and give my baby a chance at life even though he wont ever know his real mommy? Baby isnt viable yet not that it makes me feel any better…I just cant last through the rest of my pregnancy.
Every day is harder to live..I already have everything ready for me to go..the dad couldnt care less about me, but claims to want the baby even though initially he told me to abort it. I cant leave the baby alone with him when Im gone, hes an addict and his new girlfriend hates me and will hate my […]
i know ppl dont care, but its nice when theY pretend to. they let me get close to them, thinking i could trust them, but than as soon as i do one little thing wrong, they turn their backs on me. I honestly couldnt care, i realized i havent talked to anyone in 2 days straight, and for once i felt better about myself. But than my supposedly “best friend” calls me a conceited *****. just because i dont want to talk. i only did this for me…… and the one time i do something for myself, im a selfish slut? like seriously what the […]
But still, I hate when I have dreams so vivid and real it’s like I’m seriously there. I could feel everything last night in my one particular dream. Feeling the slice and stab of the knife as I tried defending myself. That after-the-fact pain, the bleeding. I could see the bleeding. It was so real, the way it seeped down my side and soaked into my shirt. I strangely enjoyed that.
Self harm withdrawal? Medication side effects? A combination of both? Who knows.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VjTG21T8aU
She speaks to me
All the things I want to hear
In an angels voice, too soft to be real
Amazing grace, from times that stand still
In my mind
Can I keep this for all time, she asked, when I said yes
And she claimed..
Then again..then again, there might be something more. And I can’t only stop and stand. I have to leave the life I know.
I cried out for heaven’s hold. Please take me away, oh lord. I’m ready, willing. These days grow old. A breeze pushed me over. I looked up to god in vein..and said..
Then again…then again, it’s […]
Bidding will begin next year. It should be done in 2018, and they estimate it will cost $76 million.
Based on the new span of the SF-Oakland Bay Bridge, a portion of which collapsed after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake, I’m betting it will be completed between 2020 and 2025 (depending upon how many times they have to go back for more money when it goes w-a-y over budget).
(Originally, retrofitting the Bay Bridge was estimated at $230M, but then they said it would cost that much to replace it. Of course, a vanilla looking bridge wouldn’t due, so they settled on a […]
Because wordplay.
Here i sit on SP, contemplating mortality, nine-something pm my time, and fireworks whistle and pop, not far away. Three days early. I doubt the people launching them have any real clue just what it is they’re supposed to be celebrating… or how jeopardized and compromised that particular thing has come to be.
I wanted to make some kind of… soup reference, or something, but alas, i’m not in gear for that at this time. It’s just that the 4th of July has been an increasingly stark source of irony for me, since i found myself awake.
I wonder if they know what “Independence” really means.
I […]
I can be happy, I can be content – but behind it all is an absence of any belief that anything is of any value, or worth, materially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. All empty.
Then the light fades, that’s enough, time to go.
Then comes anger, a real anger, self directed, and at the rest of humanity. The call to ‘be nice to people’ to make me feel better, to ‘do something’ to make me feel better. Acting on such advice is nothing more than me, me, me – so it’s all just self serving? So its in the self interest of those who preach to say those things? […]
It’s the little things that matter most in this world. The smile from a stranger.. Good advise from a friend.. A fond memory of weekends spent laughing and nothing else.. It’s the little things we share together that mean something. And it’s the little things lost that create the greatest void and the harshest confusion.
When you left, you vanished into thin air..and when you did.. You forgot your towel.. It was just sitting there, so I figured you would come back. But then after a short while, I discovered you left your phone on the table. That can’t be right…you sorta forgot to give […]
The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. – Mother Theresa
written by Remnant The Unbroken
You seemed so full of sweetness at the start
But like a big red rose that’s made of paper
There isn’t any sweetness in your heart
Paper Roses
Paper Roses
An: This was a poem that I wrote when I was nine, I have no idea why but this poem draws the emotions of me who is present now. I’m becoming a tad mad with my bouts of sudden despair overwhelming me for no apparent reason and it is affecting my work. I have an examination this entire week and yet I keep doing something else and am being apathetic to all the things that used to concern me. It feels as though I’ve awoke to find that I should cease to exist because I am a waste of space and all efforts are just […]
The thing is, im the kind of person people wanted to hang out with because they think im funny, cool and popular and because i always get straight A’s. It has always been like that. Like i dont even ask for anyone but they all try to sit with me at lunch or inside the class. They laugh at my jokes, they invite me to places and i thought wow, i didnt ask for this kind of attention but it’s all happening. That was my story. For 10 years i had that. And then i found out they were all just using me to be […]