“I don’t understand why we must do things in this world, why we must have friends and aspirations, hopes and dreams. Wouldn’t it be better to retreat to a faraway corner of the world, where all its noise and complications would be heard no more? Then we could renounce culture and ambitions; we would lose everything and gain nothing; for what is there to be gained from this world? There are people to whom gain is unimportant, who are hopelessly unhappy and lonely. We are so closed to one another! And yet, were we to be totally open to each other, reading into the depths […]
Tag:
Sensations
I wonder, if there is an end to any of this…. things keep happening …. some of us are depressed, some of us want to end our life, some are struggling to find a meaning , some are try struggling to find a way out, and then there are others who don’t have too many doubts, they are almost sure of what they want and are working towards it. And life goes on…. the race, the rush, the panic , the ecstasy, emotions,feelings, sensations…. everything that makes this web of life goes on… just goes on , not waiting for anybody or anything…. there is […]
I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. And I could. Knowing this gave me a sense of peace and power, so I started cutting up my legs all the time. Hiding the scars from my mother became a sport of its own. I collected razor blades, I bought a Swiss army knife, I became fascinated with the different kinds of sharp edges and the different cutting sensations they produced. I tried out different shapes—squares, triangles, […]
Where is the bottom, exactly? I’ve been searching for a long time. I sift through the mud at the bottom of this wretched ocean, groping for that metaphorical rock bottom which so eludes me. Every day I find myself digging more desperately than the last, performing pitiful acts of self depreciation, drilling deeper, or perhaps further, in an uncertain direction.
(A cig a day.. eventually, a pack a week.. now a pack a day.. these things take far too long to do the dirty. MAY AS WELL GO SMOKE ONE RIGHT NOW)
I hoped that I would be smothered down here. Or, that some mysterious sea creature […]
I always have such grand ideas for things to do during my lunch hour but I usually end up lazily browsing the national post website and wallowing in some self pity.
I would rather not have been born; I think all the time how I hate the various sensations that go along with occupying a living body. It’s all so draining, trying to find some level of contentment… I dunno.
I feel like, some time ago, I experienced heaven, but now I’m here. I’ve completely forgotten the experience of perfect happiness except for the lingering feeling that I’ve been better. I long for non-existence.
Okay, y’all, important safety tip. If the psychiatrist gives you a prescription for ant-depressants, you don’t let them write it with ZERO REFILLS. And certainly take some care to ensure you don’t run out of a Friday night so you have to wait FOUR DAYS for your pharmacist to get said psychiatrist’s approval.
I’m just sayin’. Seriously, I could actually hear my eyeballs moving. Do you know just how weird that is?!?
And certainly don’t make me wait two weeks to see my new therapist one-on-one. Insurance won’t cover another week of IOP? Put it on my tab, that’s what HSA is for.
Yeah. Not a good day. […]