I am having the hardest time getting out of this bed today…. It’s super frustrating. I don’t understand how I’m just expected to wipe off these tears and go about life with the fake smile plastered on my face that I am forced to share. I can’t afford to miss work anymore. This struggle is beyond me, but I’ll take just one more step today, because somewhere deep down I know there’s more life left to go.
Tag:
tears
She smiles through a thousand tears,
and harbors adolescent fears.
she dreams of all that she can never be;
she wades in insecurity
and hides herself
in
me.
One year ago today I was faced with the most difficult task I’ve ever had to do in my 21 years. With the help of amazing men in my life, I checked myself into the hospital for 8 days where I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 Depression. Following those days, I began a long road of outpatient therapy. I learned to value myself, to care for others in ways that would no longer hurt me, and to believe in what I have. I made some incredible friends along the way. This adorable kid we call “Ducky” gave me hope when I walked into the […]
I need to sort myself out. I cant keep feeling like this… I just feel so irritable every second of the day. I have tears permanently in my eyes, just sitting here doing nothing angers me. But then I have no choice- weather is crap, friends are busy and I honestly dont want to talk to them. I always feel I have to make the effort with all of them, To be happy because if im not it means either being called miserable or having to explain myself when even I dont know whats happening.
Im so passive.
I just want to go back to college. […]
Drowning in the sea of my tears
I can’t see anything clear
I can only feel (oh, how I feel)
This huge pain inside me
And before the water covers me all
My heart will make a last effort and cry:
“Please, someone help me!
Don’t let me drown in my tears
Take me somewhere without fear
Where I can finally find
A happiness without any pain”
But no one heard the cry
So I let my breath out and die
I’m doing this today evening. Don’t know what to do now. I packed everything I’m gonna need (not much, I won’t have a lot to carry), now I just need to get dressed and then I’m leaving but I have no idea where and how should I spend all those hours until evening. Can’t talk to anyone today because I have a big mouth and I’d just tell them everything. I regret not finding a suicide partner a few days earlier, when I was thinking about it, a day spent with another person wouldn’t be so long and boring. I miss my friends so badly […]
i feel nothing i laugh and cry druing the day then i come to this were i feel nothing did the day meen anything i whant to cry and evrey tiem i get cloce to the tears i yern for thay stop i whant to feel the blood run down my arm agine i whant to feel sick as i look at it agine i whant her as i wrote that the tears have come i whant her llike it was i felt the change when she got bad it felt like a punch in the belly
i havent thought this in a long time because im […]
had huge fight with sister
anger resurfaced
pain grew
hurt more
insulted
almost pushed down stairs
hit
slapped
punched
shoved around
lots of tears
35 minute call
tears
silent treatment
broken
I’m alive.
And I’m free.
I’ve never been more free in my life.
It feels so good.
I suppose I should explain what happened when I stopped posting yesterday. Basically, the pills were making me really tired and weak. I was dying, basically. It was getting really hard to type, because the simple movements were taking all of my energy. So, I said goodbye to all of you, and I fell asleep. I’m pretty sure it was closer to dying rather then sleeping, but I didn’t know at the time; I was too weak. Anyway, I never moved my laptop from on top of me, because the movement […]
In less than 24 hours it will be the one year anniversary of my suicide. Just typing that now the tears swell in my eyes. I’m left with multiple organ damage, some nerve damage and a dying heart valve that causes an arrhythmia. Memories that were so special are blurs and I’m but a shadow of my shadow. I meant every second of my suicide and it was the only time I’ve ever felt free. Free of pain: mentally, physically and emotionally. Free of fear, free from my past, free from the numbness and so alive that night is burned in me. The sensation was […]
depression is silent, it creeps up to you at first, and then all at once. Sometimes it causes anxiety, a mental disorder. I think it’s funny how most people say I don’t do anything for them, when in reality, I do much more. I fake smiles and wipe my tears to avoid them getting stressed, I don’t talk to them so they don’t have to put up with me, and most importantly I pretend I don’t have a mental illness called depression.
As the lines from one of my favorite songs;
“So what if you can see, the darkest part of me? Nothing can stop […]
for every. dot. a sin. was made. speaking lies. and never saying. if u can see it. then feel my pain. . . .
there are 11 dots
11 sins. 11 miatakes 11 pepl 11 mismakes. 11 true senses 11 fates. 11 things u should not say 11 tears 11 drops 11 loved ounce and 11 enemys 11 kind words that lift ur soul and 11 seconds for it to all disapear
How does one find hope when having a terminal disease? How can one withstand all the pain it causes while knowing it’ll never end – only gradually evolves, gets worse and finally eats you alive? Is hope even a slightest of possibility?
Expecting a miracle perhaps gives something to keep one’s head up. But preferably person just has to accept the facts; this really was perhaps my unjustified destiny and the clock is ticking ever faster like it has for so many people before me. Fear, tears, a mountain of hopelessness and beside me a conjurer of never-ending agony and despair.
Where do those people […]
Soeymeone else just posted this video:
What a coincidence…..I arrived home in PHX a few hours ago after spending a few hours on the GGB…I think I know pretty much all there is to know about what happens when you hit the water, so in watching this video I learned zilch. The majority of it was a guilt trip placed on people who choose to die this way. It was mostly about the “collateral” damage done to those who remain.
Frankly, I am sick of hearing this. If I ever decide to “go through with it” I will have no guilt about doing so (in advance, of […]
It’s terrible when you’re walking down the street, or simply talking to someone, and suddenly you can feel like you can’t hold back your tears anymore. You start crying and you don’t know why. Everybody stares and asks what’s wrong and you can’t answer their question. There’s nothing wrong, nothing bad is happening and you have everything anyone could ever ask for. And yet you don’t feel happy.
Don’t leave me
Don’t leave me
I can’t handle myself without you
Without you
These tears won’t fill my emptiness
I have this ache inside my chest.
Although we want to live and die.
Can we save this without goodbye.
Don’t leave me
Don’t leave me
I can’t stand to live without you
Without you
My lies have become my reality,
Is there such thing of you and me?
I can’t forget smiles and tears,
That help me through my biggest fears.
So please don’t leave me
Don’t leave me.
Cause I can’t even stand to try,
If we’re going to say goodbye.
Goodbye
This is goodbye
cause I […]
Today I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I feel that every time he sees me crying for no reason, every day I can’t go to school because I can’t get out of bed, every time he sees a new scar on my wrist, it hurts him. I can see the tears he holds back or the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me. Sometimes he holds me very close to him because he fears that I’m suddenly going to disappear into thin air. He’s the first person I decided to trust with the secrets I had never told anyone else, […]
The sad times are when you look around you and everyone has a place.
Everyone, except you.
Even the people you consider friends would rather be alone than be with you.
The sad times are when you look around you and everyone is welcome.
Everyone, except you.
Even the people that invite you in their circle don’t want you to talk to them.
The worst times are when you look around you and you’re all alone.
No one, but you.
Even the people you once thought cared, didn’t give a shit about you.
You sit on the bathroom floor, tears pouring from your eyes.
Blades carve your […]
Just how many times have I wanted to cry.
But somehow “it’s not manly to cry”.
And I’ve never really cared about this weird social norm, but now the tears just won’t come.
I am reaching but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I’ll escape now from this world
From the world of my beloved
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on
My soul cries out in anguish every time I get backstabbed by the one I love most.
Do you know this girl we love,
With all our heart and care.
It’s really not her problem,
I tell you, this is so unfair.
The numbers are quite shocking,
One in four they say
Will suffer from depression
In their lives one day.
There’s not much life in this girl anymore
Because of this serious mental flaw.
But no one knows when it will strike,
It’s just the luck of the draw.
She would not choose to live with it,
Sometimes not even try.
I see this little girl suffering
And all she can do is cry.
Some people turn the other cheek,
They’ve been doing it for […]