What is hope? Hope is an ideal. An ideal that involves some conception of a type of safety…whether it be in a hope for something in the future, and hope that someone actually cares, a hope that someone will actually understand, whatever it may be. But what can be said of hope when there is no such thing as safety? There is no safety in friends, no safety in success, no safety even in family. There is no safety in myself. It’s like there are some kind of demons in my head that won’t leave me alone. Everything good is bad, everything bad is worse. […]
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the future
I remember the day I found out I could actively take my life. It was the first time I realized I could die. It was freshman year. Two kids died that year. I knew them both fairly well. I guess that’s when it all really started. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else, but it seemed okay. I thought I would grow out of it. I didn’t.
I remember the day my life changed forever. I found my birthfather, or rather he found me. I made the mistake of meeting him. I remember shortly after my adopted dad found out he had a daughter much older […]
Whenever I talk about suicide with my family or friends, they always say the same things: it’s wrong, it’s selfish, it’s just NOT GOOD. And yeah, I get the part that by doing it, you’d hurt those that love you. But the thing is, when I think about suicide, I think about how the people around me would be better off in some way and how I’d spare them and the people that I might cross paths with in the future. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be a bad person. And that’s one of the reasons why I want to […]
Decided i’m going to go all out on a final attempt tonight, “double the dose and half the space”.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this forum, I didnt create this account until very recently but I have been reading your posts for a very long time. They have given me strength and kept me going throughout the worst moments of my life to date.
I wish all of you well in the future, I hope that the pain dissipates for anyone that is sufferring, and to all of you who provide selfless support to others, I salute you.
Thanks again.
God loves a fool. That is the reason I am still here. It is not because I have strong survival skills. My parents was proud of having a strong baby girl overcoming autism.
Unfortunately, I am not. I think it is a mistake they made for having me. Somehow I think I am burden to them as well as to this world. I guess if it weren’t for me, the autistic kid, my sister and brother could have turned out well . I grew with the world centering around me . I spent my entire childhood visiting psychiatrist, trying all kinds of things […]
I have often wondered why I wanted to just end it. And I usually end up with the fact that I am lost and my life has no direction. But now, I realized, there’s something more than that.
I realized that I am the complete opposite of myself before (when I was driven, confident, ambitious). Now I am very insecure, confused and just flat-out tired and unmotivated. What makes me want to end it is I could have AVOIDED IT. I USED to be on the other side, the side of optimism, of hope in the future. When I started college, I was among intelligent people, […]
I feel so low, I have to be around others to earn enough to keep going, I try to hide away so they won’t notice me and won’t talk about me behind my back, even if they do, I don’t want to hear it. I know I have a problem which causes them to do so, if it wasn’t for that I might just be okay. How do normal people cope with it all, laughing and joking and having a good time; hey, I joke, but inside I feel like crap all the time. Life once promised me so much, now I struggle to see […]
For the time being, I am here. Death scares me enough to make life seem worth enduring. But you can’t live like that, day to day. You can’t live purely to postpose the negative. The mind needs something positive to drive it.
So…happiness. Peace. Being truly present in the moment, without feeling the need for a way out. Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Feeling truly glad that you, and the world around you, exist.
It’s been a long time. I haven’t felt able to be myself around people or really enjoy their company since I was 10 (17 years). I haven’t felt good about the world, […]
I’m going to jump off a building. My life isn’t even in shambles, which makes me hate myself even more. I got handed what I thought was my dream job. I can’t Handel it, and hate it. I have no backup plan or motivation. All my jobs have been luck, I’m stupid and have no actual skills, hobbies or dreams for the future. Pathetic. All my friends work for the company and I can’t quit. There is no leaving on good terms. I’ve been depressed for months. Can’t stop sleeping. Miserable to be around. Everyone’s advice is to keep trying and figure it out. I’m […]
This is something I’ll have to try and explain to my therapist. I figured I’d try to write it down first.
I suffer from delusional episodes. I don’t consider too many of my delusions “off the wall” or entirely “crazy” but never the less they exist only in my mind and it’s been proven to me on many occasions, but not before making outrageous claims, embarrassing myself and losing people I would have hoped to keep as friends..or more. This is why I say I suffer from delusions, because I drive away everyone who cares and the ones that stay get sucked into my pitiful […]
Tonight I’ve realised how utterly alone I am, think I’ll cry myself to sleep thinking of love that’ll never be, I’m so lonely, so frightened of the future.
Hi,
This is my first time posting here. I have read a few posts just now after getting out of the shower. I’m an 18 year old girl. I was just cutting myself in the shower for the thousand time. I have been cutting myself since I was about 14 however I have always been suicidal. I used to try to suffocate myself at 8 which seems silly because that would never work. I have tried to overdose on pills but that didn’t work. Now it doesn’t even hurt to cut anymore. I have cut my arms, my stomach, my hips, and my legs. I’m a […]
And I still can’t do anything.
It doesn’t even feel like something big hanging over my head, I know it’s coming, I know there is probably several possibilities to avoid it, but at this point, I just don’t care anymore.
I thought maybe the closer it got and it would be that kick in the butt I needed to do something, do anything. Instead it’s just more of the same, the days are the same as they’ve always been. But it doesn’t upset me, it doesn’t even worry me, I know it’s going to happen, and I realize what it means. And I still just don’t […]
My life has always been filled with emptiness. I have never had motivation or aspirations. I completely lack in ambition. There is nothing I want to achieve no goals I want to accomplish. I have no hope for the future because I don’t want anything. If there is nothing you want what is there to hope for? I suppose the only thing I want is the desire to want. Life isn’t bad it just seems so empty and pointless and meaningless. I am not really attached to anything or anyone. I avoid people not because I hate people I am not misanthropic I just find […]
I ran out of music
I never made it
Nobody knows
Black sands
A last queen
Beautiful seen
Far is the future
This child
Upside-down
In the sky
The zodiac ran
I am the chain
Down to its water
Up in the air
We can fight the terminal
One thousand year
Save me
Salvation
The atomic and the dogs
Hello everyone, I am a married father of two with a great job in which everyone treats me with the utmost respect.
But yet, every day I wake up miserable and I want out of this life I live.
At work, I get praise and adulation from my staff and superiors, even to the point where I may be looking at a promotion in the future as a branch manager for the company I work for.
At home, is where my life is a constant Hell…it seems like I can never do anything right for my family, and I screw up on a regular basis, bringing disappointment to […]
Dear Maman,
As it has now been a number of weeks since our previous discussion, and you have not only failed to apologise to me for badmouthing me to your family behind my back, but have no doubt also failed to correct any of the half-truths and exaggerations you made in the process*.
In addition to this, you appear to struggle to consider the needs of others. For example, despite my pleading, refusing to attend my suicide-prevention counselling sessions because you felt stressed.
When I took the decision to meet you again a couple years ago after a long and acrimonious separation, I really wanted to believe you […]
…need help killing myself. seriously plan to do so in the future, kind of like the way mr.robin williams did. i don’t want it to be messy or showy though, and ideally inexpensive… i want to die somewhere my body will never be found as well. if it’s possible. i want to completely just disappear…
i would rant about why i want to die, but i’m not looking for sympathy, i just need some serious advice on how to get it done without a hitch. i think being able to plan your own perfect death is a wonderful thing, and perhaps it’s the only chance i’ll […]
Well, its been a while. A long time since I’ve been viewing the stories here, an even longer time since I bothered to write; truth being I’ve haven’t been able to write (the one think I was once able to do well, now diminished). I guess you find that time of night on that particular day when you feel its about time you came back to just have a look, see how terrible it is that there are some many more people feeling that suicidal depressed way.
I’ve started intense studying. How fantastic (it isn’t). I never knew I tired like this. I’ve always been tired, […]
Watching football this weekend and joking with SP posters about it was a nice distraction to the tormenting in my head. I still can’t think beyond Monday but I did take my meds tonight… I even contacted a few doctors. I don’t fucking know. I stop myself every time I think about the future. I don’t have the energy to fix my life after 3 years of hell… deferring grad school twice. There is no way my brain can recover in time to restart grad school in January.
Thanks guys… I didn’t feel so alone today.