Delusion…

This is something I’ll have to try and explain to my therapist. I figured I’d try to write it down first.
I suffer from delusional episodes. I don’t consider too many of my delusions “off the wall” or entirely “crazy” but never the less they exist only in my mind and it’s been proven to me on many occasions, but not before making outrageous claims, embarrassing myself and losing people I would have hoped to keep as friends..or more. This is why I say I suffer from delusions, because I drive away everyone who cares and the ones that stay get sucked into my pitiful world.
A big part of this is my take on predicting the future. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you but I can and have predicted the future on many many occasions. I’ve predicted earthquakes and natural disasters..even my fiance leaving me. Many good and many bad predictions that have come true. I don’t pretend to be special. i simply obsess over variables and probability that eventually I come to some certain conclusions and call them out in attempts for some one to bare witness. This is a hard one because wether my predictions are real or come true is not the point..it’s the fact that people can’t handle this kind of conversation most times. No one wants to believe that another person can predict the future, in real life. Perhaps something more acceptable on tv.
Ghosts… ghosts have been following me my whole life. Ever since I was still slipping into bed with mom and dad, I can remember not knowing if I was dreaming or actually seeing this shit happen. It was sooooo scary when I was a kid and has made me question what is really going on with me to this day. I can remember the toilet seat lifting by itself in the early hours of the morning. I use to get chased down the hallway of this old spooky building by what I can only describe today as evil. The most horrible fear would come over me when I would have to walk through this building where many had died..beside the train tracks in a rough part of Los Angeles. It doesn’t end there though.. skipping forward to my late 20’s, i remember sitting at home seeing shadows everywhere and one time I could have sworn I saw someone walking with my mom’s cat, into the kitchen. Barely caught the leg of who ever it was, but I thought it was my dad, until I got up and realized he was in his bedroom laying on the floor and hadn’t moved in hours. But i saw something.
And the worst was the most recent. A ghost that followed me for about 2 years and lived with me in the first year I was with my fiancé. This was the worst because it didn’t just effect me, it effected 6 other people as well. My brothers family lives directly aside me, divided by one wall..so we practically live together. This ghost would creep up on us in the middle of the night and hold us down on the bed. 6 people experienced it.. 4 adults, 2 kids and a toddler. Including myself of course but I wasn’t the first one who experienced it. And no…I wasn’t the one doing it. I’m not that crazy, I don’t perform acts I’m not aware of. But it was validated by my family and continued to haunt me for that time in my life. Till one day we were laying in bed early morning and it flew over and in front of my fiancé ‘ s face. She started crying out of fear, and suddenly I sat up with a very angry voice and demanded it leave. I told it that this was MY HOUSE, and that it had no right to stay. It lingered for another week or so and then faded eventually. Never came back. But it makes me question what was really going on back then. I assume it wasn’t real at all, because my delusions don’t stop there. They carry on into other aspects of my.life that make it very hard to interact with people sometimes. I mean..I’m a nice, sweet and gentle person. But i need help to start rationalizing the things I’ve seen and claims I’ve made. These realities I’ve faced weaken my own integrity and push me further down the rabbits hole into uncertainty.

Thank you for reading