Not really help? Â I mean, they’re supposed to be understanding but they’re just not.
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understanding
I am sick of reading about promising outlooks for treatment.  I have been suffering from MDD/ TRD for too long. I’ve been on multiple combinations of meds for too many years nothing…..at least 40 different meds. I have had 19 ECT treatments ( with a lot of memory issues).  I’m sick of people not understanding.  I’m sick of running to appts.  Therapy….behavioral therapy…..psychiatrist….  Not to mention all of the rest.  I’m sick of fighting, crying, anger.  I just want my life over!  So many positive thing out there for help when I’m reading literature. Or trials so far away some simple person couldn’t even […]
hello there.
my name is Ian, i’m 18 years old. I hate myself. i’ve been cutting myself since 13, but i’m not even remotely an emo. it just calms me down. it was okay, but tonight i thought that maybe just self-harm is not enough. i had this picture of me inside my head where i lie on my bed, bleeding to death, listening to my favorite album by Swans.
my mother despises me. unlike my two perfect brothers, children that she made with the man she loves, not my father. she hates my father. and me. my father doesn’t remember me. haven’t seen him for 15 […]
My emotions are like waves, threatening to overtake me at one moment, and then soft, serene..At peace with everything the next..
Experiencing this is incredibly hard and makes me feel crazy, but I don’t know that I’d change it. We who experience depression and the more difficult of strong feelings also have the chance to experience the other side.
It’s hard to read what I write during times of distress. It’s hard reading what you all write during times of distress.
It’s hard knowing that some people don’t know what happiness feels like. It’s hard forgetting what it feels like yourself..
What would help? Maybe it’s something different for […]
I feel like I am The Only One. The only one that is Truly Alone. I know that is not true… But somehow all my searches for somebody with life circumstances like mine only further validate that I Am Alone And No One Understands. Oh and by the way I am Not A Teenager. I wasn’t a particularly angsty teenager. If I had been one, perhaps I would have been ok now. If I had realized earlier that I might have social anxiety and/or be a HSP (whatever the difference is, I only learned about HSP yesterday) maybe I could have solved this sooner.
I just […]
So hard to pick yourself back up out of the darkness when your depressed.  It is about the hardest thing to do.  When you have moved even farther passed that to the point you realize that life will never change things will always  be the way they are and have been it feels even harder, when you have no  hope  because u realize things will always be the same.
Its very unfair that people can do things that may permantly mess up your mind and never get punished for it. Â They do real harm to your mind an walk away never understanding the damage […]
Disclaimer: I wrote this while contemplating suicide.
I wish I believed in God. If I did, perhaps I would be afraid of death. But death does not scare me; that is half the problem. If it did, I would be less likely to welcome it.
I love every one I spent my life up until now with, and gave so much of my time to. I don’t regret a thing.
If I ever were to leave this world, I’d want everyone to be happy – I want you all to know this.
If there was an end point, and I had no other option, I would leave peacefully.
I really do not understand the point of life if once we leave here we’re suppose to have some deep understanding of why everything is the way it is. If we already knew this before we came here then why the hell were we put here? Perhaps to make connections  that already existed before we came here, or maybe learn life lessons? If so, this also doesn’t make sense because we would have already achieved the state of knowing before being put here. Imagine being able to know everything. This could range from how many strands of hair exist on our heads to something miraculous […]
Fuck fuck FUCK! I didn’t nearly gather the courage. There was this really sweet and kind NCO, who had been there since the beginning, and I trusted well enough to tell. But fuck me, I didn’t have the courage to talk about it. She often seemed understanding, and I usually tell people I trust everything. The squadron is my family, and I am undoubtedly going to tell someone. I know they could easily help me. If I’m FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK alive by then, then I will. I’ve always secretly liked her, so that doesn’t help for FUCKING SHIT.
While swindling down a bottle of Americana Black Cherry Soda, I had an idea. my squadron’s chaplain. I knew I could talk to him about my depression. He’s such a kind guy, and he was always very understanding. I’m doing it this Tuesday, let’s pray i don’t get sent to a mental hospital. Â And if I do, I’ll see you all on her other side.
I came across this piece, and found it beautifully portrayed what it is like to suffor from depression, and to be an outsider looking in.
“He inspected her. He undressed every layer of her soul and could find nothing but kindness. A fabric woven from silken dreams, compassion and understanding. She was like the moon, illuminating all that was in darkness. All darkness but her own. He began to see the thick sinking sand that swallowed her, the small pockets of air from which she could breathe. She reached out to all those that passed her, whom would only let her sink further in. Some which […]
I’m tired of it all. Tired of everything. im sickand tired of hoping, of trying, of fighting foranything anymore. I don’t see the point. I’mtired of people saying things get better, sayingthat xyz will happen just be patient. I’m tired of people not understanding-of just saying I’m overreacting to little things. I’m tired of notfitting in, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired ofhating people, I’m tired of hating life. I’m tired of everything in life being sugar coated, I’m tired of the lies, I’m tired of false hopes. I don’t want to do it anymore. im just so tired and done with everything. i don’t want to think anymore. i don’t want to be me, i dont want tolive life, i dont want to be in this life or this world. im tired of just trying to keep myself from reaching an actual point where im ready to follow through with suicide.
i dont want to be. i just want it all to stop. idon’t want to deal. i wish i could just putmyself in a self-induced coma. i dont want tobe stuck alone anymore in this body with mythoughts trapped in this world. i cant do itanymore…i dont even know why im not throughouly suicidal right now. i can’t do it anymore….i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to try or pretend to be okay for some period of time just to end up right back here again. i just deceive myself and latch on to false hopes and stupid fantasies to get by…im done
SP is so important to you my dear! dont leave just because im here.. you see the horrible things i write, and i see what you write.. its not like we dont know whats going on in each others heads.. were just seeing it in ‘writing’.. dont let my presence chase you away. its helped you through too much, more than i probably have.. so dont leave because of me, thats not what was meant to happen.
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