hello there.
my name is Ian, i’m 18 years old. I hate myself. i’ve been cutting myself since 13, but i’m not even remotely an emo. it just calms me down. it was okay, but tonight i thought that maybe just self-harm is not enough. i had this picture of me inside my head where i lie on my bed, bleeding to death, listening to my favorite album by Swans.
my mother despises me. unlike my two perfect brothers, children that she made with the man she loves, not my father. she hates my father. and me. my father doesn’t remember me. haven’t seen him for 15 years. i’m fighting with my desire to smoke. i fail at school miserably. i don’t have anybody to talk with. neither about my interests, neither about my feelings. nobody would listen. nobody likes what I like.
i want you to tell me whether I should kill myself. cause I kinda consider doing this. i’ll share some stories that come to my mind. i want you to have a better understanding of what I am.
a guy tried to molest me when I was 6. in a summer camp. every day. when I told my parents 8 years later they did not believe me. i still feel the shame and pain. he didn’t penetrate me, but damn it, i feel as if he raped me. i was so pure before the camp. afterwards I was like a piece of shit.
i lie constantly. i’m never honest. i can’t trust anybody, cause nobody seems to actually love me.
i drink sometimes and I love smoking. but i’m trying to quit. so i feel terrible.
without pills, cigarettes and cutting myself i’m like on the edge. i’m so nervous and confused. i try sports, i try meditation, but they aren’t as effective as the things i mentioned earlier.
sometimes i scream at my brothers. really loud. after that I usually feel ashamed and cut myself, but still. i can’t stop myself when I’m about to scream.
sometimes i’m rude to my parents.
i fail at everything. i don’t think there’s bright future for me anymore. it could be. but i destroyed all the chances.
i’m the worst in my family. i want to perform a seppuku or just cut my veins. should I?
9 comments
as you wish hun… free will. !
Don’t go out and end your life just yet. You are still a teenager and many teenagers go through episodes where they are frustrated and confused etc etc. I think you need to see a counselor or doctor that you can talk to about all this and they can probably prescribe meds that will calm you down. Find somebody you can talk to about all this. And older person who can help you get some help.
You already know what to do. You’ve decided this before writing here.
i don’t think you should. my dad left too i was 12 at the time but it still hurt i came home from school one day and he was gone no note just packed his his things took my dog and left that and a lot of bullying didn’t make me a very happy person my mom got a new boyfriend Phil he liked to make fun my weight and how i look a lot. i didn’t cut myself but i hurt myself other ways she dumped him a month ago but the pain i felt is still here i was thinking the same thing you are should i kill myself ,would anyone even miss me , would they even notice i’m gone i still think that sometime .i know cant imagine what your going through my sure your a beautiful wonderful amazing person and i know you don’t know me but i will be here if you ever want to talk about anything but don’t end your life cause the world would be a darker place without you in it
You sound like a really intelligent guy who articulates himself very well. Anybody would feel like shit going through what you went through. Going through shit doesn’t make you a piece of shit. I would reserve that comment for some of the people who’ve been in your life. I sense strength in you. To go through what you went through and still have the courage to try sports and meditation takes guts. I don’t think you’ve destroyed your chances. I think people around you tried to do that.
I agree with the comment above that you should try and see a counselor or a doctor because you have a lot of shit you need to talk about and they’re trained to listen and help (if you hopefully find a decent one). I also agree that getting on some meds might be able to change your mindset.
Please don’t. I wish you had someone to talk to. Maybe someone at school can direct you to a good place.
I know you say your mother despises you, & maybe you & she have been through a lot.
I’m hoping your are just miscommunicating with her right now. Maybe sit down & write a letter or note to her of what’s in your heart?
I’m a mom, & I could never despise my kids. Not even my son (who actually despises me!). He has said and done unbelievably hurtful things to me, but I still love him.
Try to take one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time).
I completely understand your suicidal feeling, I very often feel like that too and I found that there are people who do listen to you when you call for help. If you are still alive call 111 or 999 (if you are in UK) and tell them how you feel and they will provide help for you. You never know, you might meet that way a nice friend who you could talk with and who would be more than happy to listen to you. I myself met a great girl in A&E on my first attempted suicide day and she is really nice person and great friend. So please try to call for help and you will find that people do care about you. When I was in hospital, I’ve met there a girl who is your age and she is real sweetie, so please give it a try if you can before making that final decision to end it all.
I feel the way you do. I want to but I’m on the edge.
Don’t do it. You have other options. Please, just don’t do it. It will mess with people you don’t even know. But mainly, don’t do it for yourself. You never know what you might accomplish.
I’ve just realized how many beautiful people are there, people that I have never met unfortunately. i want to thank all of you. i actually teared up reading this and that’s a good thing.
thank you. i didn’t kill myself and I guess I wouldn’t anyway. it’s kinda scary. there’s a huge line between masochism and suicide as I discovered. I just needed to talk about it. thank you. i love each and every one of you. i never expected that somebody would care. this is flattering (this is probably not the best suitable word, but forgive me, english isn’t my native language)