September 10, 2013
As this may be the last year of my life, I am posting this confession, if you will, to explain why I might commit suicide sometime between June-November of 2014. It’s way out there in mid to late 2014 and not now because I’m giving myself a last chance to succeed. I’m old now, I’ve had 3 health crises in the last 3 years, and my finances, while sufficient for the next 2 years, are not enough to carry me through a long retirement. At this point, given my health, depressed mental condition, and the odds of achieving a major financial reversal […]
Tag:
Validation
I saw my mum for the first time in a few weeks today. She turned to me and said all she has in the world is me, my brother and her husband, but that I was her rock. She’s been going through her own trouble, battling her own demons for a long time. Little did she know her rock was crying down the phone to the Samaritans last night, that I was crying down the phone just to feel something. How can I ever tell her that I want to die? How can I tell her that every day I smash up my sanity just […]
I act on stage. I’m not that great, and the productions are small & forgettable, but to me each performance means the world. I guess it’s because it’s one of the rare times I get to step out of my miserable existence and pretend I’m someone else. And the audience, however small, validates this “character” I’m pretending to be. After the show I hurry home and resume being my real wretched self, playing to an audience of 0.
I’m sick of it. Sick of living for just those few moments on stage when I’m pretending to be something else, then having to spend days alone with […]
I keep trying to get better, because everyone tells me that I’m sick. That I have a mental disease that can kill me.
So I try again and again.
But I always end up right back here.
I guess I belong here. With the sick and the troubled; the lost and let down. I’m just a sick person looking for what? Happiness? Self worth? Validation? I don’t have a clue. But I do know that I belong with the fallen. I’m here with the people who, even though they’ve never met me, understand me. I’m with those who have given up, who have realized that there’s nothing left […]
I don’t think I am that messed up of a person. But right now all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. The root of the problem is that I am lonely. You see, all I ever wanted was a wife and children. I know, it sounds lame, but it is true. But that won’t happen. I came close, once, years ago. But two months before our wedding, she broke it off, because “God told her to”. since then, I have tried again, but I’ve never felt a connection to anyone. And I know that as far as problems go, that […]
my favorite band motion city soundtrack has lyrics that everyone should consider;
“they say what doesnt kill us
MAKES US WHO WE ARE”
as much as we can all look at our ‘struggles’ and ‘disorders’ as something that defines us, dont let it. dont BE your disorder. dont let it ruin or run your life, from depression panic disorder, bipolar, ED, whatever. youre lettinng whatever created that disorder in the first place make you.
i know how hard it is, to make a conscience effort to just BE YOU everyday with the struggles of school, work, kids, significant others, family and the fucking economyy on […]
I’m really not seeing a reason to continue fighting my debilitating depression and anxiety. I have never had a reprieve in my 28 years, despite various medications, spiritual journeys, and self-help literature.
I have always held myself to a very high standard and have been relentless with trying to reach success from a very early age. I survived an abusive childhood with an alcoholic father. Â I thought that getting married, getting a Masters degree, and starting my career would bring me the happiness I so desperately want and the outside validation to prove that I am a good person.
I loved my husband with all of my […]
I tried to kill myself two nights ago. Not seriously, I suppose.
I got preposterously drunk and slit my wrists. But I woke up, and now I’m not so sure if I’m alive or not.
This is a test, sort of. A form of existential validation, my fingerprint against the window.
So don’t say that you love me. Don’t hold me.
I’m an alcoholic. I’m lonely as fuck. I don’t have a job. I barely have a mind.
My mum tried to drown me in the bath when I was a kid. My dad left when I was six. But I’ve never seen war, I’ve never lost a limb or […]