I tried to commit suicide about 4 months ago, twice. It was a long time planning it and finally decided, i had read a lot of information from internet to find effective methods. My first choice was the exit bag, I drank an entire bottle of wine and took 40 sleeping pills, then I put a plastic bag on my head and waited to fall asleep and die from hypoxia. To my very surprise, I woke up after 12 hours with the plastic bag out and all that I had in my stomatch in the floor at my side, with a terrible headache and without remembering anything else.
My second try was the next day, with carbone monoxide. I had bought a CO detector in ebay some time ago, just in case because I read that it was the most effective method. In the late afternoon I drove my car to a lonely place in the mountain, with the CO detector, a charcoal grill and some carbon to burn. When it was really dark, I sealed all the car ventilation, started burning the carbon, turned on the CO detector and waited outside. When I saw 8.000ppm I jumped inside the car and waited for death to happen. After 20 hours of being uncounscious, the police found me I dont know how, took me out of the car and into a hospital. I survived without any injury. Well at first I was a bit shaked, I could not move at all, I was hardly feeling my body and everything hurt, but it all went away in a couple of days.
The worse part of all that was that my family found out, as they were called when they got me into the hospital, nobody understood, my parents were mad at me, when I recovered they even lock me in a mental hospital for two days where I had to lie to everyone a thousand times telling that it was a terrible mistake and I would never do that again and that I felt perfectly happy and fine, otherwise I would still be there.
I am much worse now, because I feel as bad a before plus all the shame I have to carry inside for what i have done. I have wanted to die for years and I want to die every day, I just can’t be happy. I am 29 and I seem to have a great life, I try to smile at everyone and fake that nothing is wrong with me but inside its all pain.
I dont know why the hell I am posting this, maybe its the simple human desire to share.
If I had a gun I would shot myself right now. I thought it would be easier, but after all I’ve gone through I want the next try to be the last, and I can’t think about an effective enough way to die, I dont care about the pain I just want all this to end. I know i know, life is wonderful, I need help, I will move on, there are people who love me, … I appreciate the effort but it just make me feel worse.
Nobody asked me if I wanted to live, if someone told me life was gonna be like that I had said fuck it!
21 comments
You made a mistake with the exit bag. You would have accomplished your goal if you used helium. Go to a file sharing site (Demonoid, Mininova, The Pirate Bay) and download a copy of Final Exit or the Peaceful Pill. I am not encouraging you to kill yourself, but if you are going to do it, you should do it properly. Your final moment in this world doesn’t have to be physically or mentally painful.
IHML, you say you’re not encouraging him to kill himself, but you encourage doing it ‘properly’ if he will?
what do you mean properly? all those things do is attempt to make the person not afraid of killing him/herself. there is no proper way to kill oneself, it’s not proper. it’s insanity, it’s against nature. and a person’s final moments in the world – mentally or physically painful? do you think that after dying, you would even care what your final moments were? people kill themselves because they just want the moments to stop entirely, not because they want to stop feeling physical pain.
your every intention here is destructive.
if anyone wants his/her final moments peaceful, the person must give up his/her life for God. there is no peace on earth to be known, there’s no peace. there is only peace in Jesus, the peace that Jesus gives cannot be taken from you, though it is hard to find. give up your life for God and stop living for yourself – then you will stop wanting to die, and start wanting to do things for God. there is no meaning to life, except to serve God. God gives meaning to pain, and He comforts all who come to Him. but don’t expect anything from Him if you will not give Him anything!
please talk to me, anyone, please
daniellopez2316@ymail.com
Well, its not the queston of “did you want to live” its just a simple matter that you’re liviing now. the question is “why do you want to live”? this is a question no one can really answer at first. But eventually we’llfnd out.
29 is still young. you still have time to turn this around for the better. If you wuld like, you can come and talk to me. I am very reasonable. I encourage you to do so. I check my emails everday.
silly.snowball@yahoo.com
You can’t do that, IHML. You can’t tell people “good ways” to die. There’s no good way to die. Death is definitively beyond what living beings can understand, and telling people how to die is denying them. There’s no good way to deal with death, neither fear, neither desire, neither trying to have a “good one”. I’m not dead, you’re not, so we don’t know what death is. Death is only a personal event, that happen to everyone. Many people think that it’s the final event (I do), many think that it’s the begining of something else (I don’t), but nobody can say he knows exactly what it is and how it must be dealt with.
IHML, I understand you’re looking for means to do it, like me. (I don’t know if I will ever do it. I’ve never done it actually, and life is running so fast it could even reach the end whithout letting me time to do it myself.). But you don’t have to share this knowledge with others.
Dying can’t be shared.
But suffery can, and what people have to share on this site is actually their suffery.
K3T K3T K3T, I don’t care about your Abrahamist beliefs. (Every sect of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) I believe that this world would be a better place if more people chose to see god in themselves instead of religious books and symbols. The person that wrote this message is going to do whatever he or she wants to do. There is nothing that I could write to discourage a person from committing suicide if they really want to die.
Noone, I believe that death is the absence of the perception of time. I am sure it is something that you have experienced before. It can happen when someone is in a deep sleep. It can happen when a person looses consciousness after experiencing some kind brain trauma. It can happen when a person is a person is anesthetised for an operation.
And there are definitely good ways to die and bad ways to die. How would you rather spend your final moments in this world? Would you want to be tortured to death, or would you prefer to die peacefully in your sleep?
Although there is so many comments that I would like to confute, it is not even worth the effort, because I cannot take back what has already been said.
IHML, I will make this quick and to the point. If you want to kill yourself, fine. I am sorry that you feel that is the only way, and I would hope that you would seek professional or spiritual help before making such a fatal decision, but that is YOUR CHOICE. Please, please, please, do not go onto a site with others who need help, and give them ways to kill themselves “properly”
Now for Girks,
I am not going to go through the motions of how “life is going to be better,” because I am sure you have heard that and some, and is not interested in hearing much of it. I don’t want you to kill yourself. “How can you say that? You don’t even know me?” No, I don’t know you, but I know that your blood is red, and that is all that matters. Suicidal people have died from less severe attempts than that. You lived for a reason.
You have been through a lot? We ALL have had ups and downs. I am sure there is not one person on this site, or on any site that can honestly say that life has always been “peachy.”
I have had my ups and downs too! I want you to know that you can talk to me ANY TIME you want to. I will even give you my phone number, because I care that much for your life, and you can call me private and talk to me about whatever you want to.
I know how it feels to be suicidal. I know how it feels to fail at a suicidal attempt and have the shame of knowing that people are looking at you like you are mental. I know the feeling of hopelessness, like everything that should matters doesn’t and it just makes you feel worst.
But I also know that life DOES get better. It is not something I would just be saying because I feel that I am “supposed” to, but from my own personal experience from going through things no person should ever have to endure, I know that you can make it to!
I don’t know what has happened to you, but I know that there is hope for everyone.
Please contact me via email, or however you would like. On my page has a lot of my contact info.
SINCERELY, Jennifer
In case you can’t contact me through this profile, go to my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/JenniferUnearthed?v=info&ref=profile#/JenniferUnearthed?v=wall&ref=profile
Or my email:
stolenname123@yahoo.com
You said you cant be happy, why? Why do you want to die? you explained your attempt and that you feel bad because so but what were the events leading up to this? Are you lonely?
IHML, I don’t believe that death is the absence of the perception of time, I believe that death is the absence of everything. I don’t know if i have ever experienced absence of perception of time before, and would i have i would not remember. I sometimes wonder if I can be asleep without dreaming (I know science tells it is not possible, but I really feel like this. I always dream, even for a short nap.). But I know, here and now, I’m Being, and I truly believe that after death I won’t. And I can’t understand it, because I’m Being (and because after death I won’t understand anything anymore). If there is a time when I have not Been, it was before my birth (or conception). And I neither can’t understand this. Time before me doesn’t really exists. I can’t imagine not being conscious.
(But it doesn’t mean I fear death as I used to before 13. )
Rather dying peacefully or tortured?… Really, I don’t know. The result is all the same. When I see an insect wounded to death, I’m never sure what is the best to do, kill it or not? I usually kill him (if it’s too serious), but I feel a deep doubt. It can seem laughable, but I respect life for any other beings (I’m vegan too), their fear for death, even if I will never be sure that they exist as much as I. I think they can exist, so I don’t take the risk. And I neither kill animal to feed me : It would be too ironic as I think my life is not worth anything. I have a strong respect for others’ life as much as for others’ suffering. And I can’t tell if one thing is more valuable than the other. So I don’t help people to die, even telling them “good ways” to do. But I’m rarely able to convince them to keep living, being not able to do it for myself.
(Sorry, I don’t know if all I write is grammatically correct. I’m French.)
i like how everyone is having a “side conversation” here. heh….
I understand how he is feeling and why he wants to end his life. I have tried to kill myself by taking 70-80 pills. Both time I was saved by my family members and wound up in the hospital for 3 days under observation. I went on for about 3-4 years and again that thought has come back to end my life since I see NO HOPE. I dont fit in this world. I am very sensitive person and suffering from Bi-polar. I am taking meds but the thought of killing myself is not going away. I want to end my life but without any pain or injury. This time I want to do it right so that there is no reviving me. I have tried to get help from all religion but hasn’t helped me at all. There is lot of pain in my heart that no one can understand. I have been thinking about using the BBQ grill in the bathroom. Sealed it up really good. Have some alcohol for the comfort and leave this world. I understand your pain!!!
caebon mpmoxide death is suposed to be painless and simple but that’ s not quite correct. the build up of caebon monoxide brings a sense o gasping and cjoking- when you try to stand yiu cant toy juszt staffer like a drunk 0 your limbs just dont work properly. yoiu are nauseous and giddy with a headache – unless tou have immobiised yourse porrhaps by tying yoursel to a chair or bed or by previously sealing all exitsv -nyourvsurviuval instinct bwill kick in andn you will stagger or crawl to the nearest source of oxyen – where you will gasp and rectch -believe me i know
as for charcoal grills in cars well the grill becomes extremely hot and will probably impactbon on the seats maybe even crack a window i dont know it could be possible – so dont blieve all cozy little tales o slippping gently from the mortal coil- its a bit harder than that
You don’t have anything to be ashamed about. Nothing is ever what it seems. There is a way for you to start enjoying life even if it takes a long time for that to happen. If only you approached life as fearlessly as death, perhaps, it would not be under sufferance at all.
To all the people who are telling us ‘don’t end your life, because you have so much to live for’, picture yourself being in agonizing pain and misery day in day out. So I m not talking about feeling lonely, but physical misery and pain. It’s a disease you won’t die from and you are 45 years old. this means you have to suffer through it another 30 years or who knows? Is it wrong to end your life? I personally don’t think so.
The above story applies to me by the way, and currently planning on finding a ‘solution’
grasping for oxygen as I type. Doctors can’t do anything, pain management is a myth, because all they provide are opiates that work for a month or two. After that you simply become tolerant.
Ending your life because of emotional reasons is something I don’t agree with, simply because these are obstacles we have to overcome in life. What I mean by that is this: our emotions are tightly integrated with our spirit. You can’t kill your spirit, it will stay with you after you die…
One more thing. Often you hear people saying ‘think about the people who love you’
So I have to suffer to prevent them from feeling lonely? It doesn’t make sense. To me the ultimate act of selfishness is to want to keep your loved one alive suffering.
@itsme2012 It’s not like people are saying these things because they hate you and want you to suffer, actually it’s the exact opposite.
Anyway, i agree and i try not to explicitly say “don’t end your life” what i usually tell people is to think hard about weather or not they’re in a position that truly warrents suicide. People have the right to end their lives if they please and they shouldn’t feel selfish for the pain it brings on others because if their loved ones knew the inexorable pain they’d have to suffer by living they’d think it a sin not to let you die.
i agree with you. he should have done it properly. Once but properly. i can imagine such a life is so difficult. i think we shouldn’t live like this. i hope he is in peace now, he had posted this in 2009;
it is painful ! i smile now because i cant cry .. i think of these too. i hope one day i do this too, to find the courage to do it. i will never share this thinking with others because they want to encourage you that life is beautiful and it worth it. Yes, it is very beautiful and it is so precious. But I don’t want it.
I read this story and It almost brought me to tears. I can sympathise with it so much that I feel as if you were almost writing about me. I’m 27 and live quite a confertable life with a job and a place to live, people all around who love me and care for me and so on. But I just cant help but feel worthless all the time, I feel as if I have lost everything I have ever worked for up to this point, My relationship and my life savings in tatters. I wish there were a place to just buy cyanide pills, If so, I would have done so a long time ago.
I cant say I’ve tried any of those methods as of yet, I did get very drunk and put a plastic bag over my head in hope I would suffocate under the influence of alcohol in my sleep and woke up the next day with the bag in shreds on the floor.
I also tried cutting my wrist under the influence of a bottle of alcohol, anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills, maybe 4 or 5 of each, I cut through the skin before I K.O’d, there was no blood in the morning though, maybe just a reaction that I couldn’t go any further, just far too painful, now I will be left with a hideous scar, I feel as if its a scar to remind me of how desperate I am.
I’ve been thinking of exit bags and charcoal burning for a long time now, years in fact.
I was also forced into a mental health hospital, where I spent maybe a week or more just looking at the walls trying to stay sane constantly thinking “am I actually mental?” lying through my teeth to the experts just so I could get out, otherwise I feel I would also still be there. I think the whole experience was very detrimental to my well being and I feel worse and more ashamed than ever before, the boredom is enough to drive you crazy alone after so long I bet.
I’ve recently, finally, bought some disposable barbecues which I’ve been pondering for a while to set alight in my car, I bought some years and years ago but convinced myself to throw them away. But you mentioned the air ventilation and now I’ve come to a complete stand still. Taking your life is a very hard thing to do if you do not want to leave in pain and with a mess afterwards.
I am so fed up of living every day as if I’m in my personalised mental prison of hopelessness. I’ve tried to get myself out of it but each day becomes harder and harder, I contemplate and scrutinise everything so much its like torture, Pacing up and down like a demoralised shell shocked soldier, Barely keeping myself from crying almost every day. Its a horrible feeling knowing you want to cry but just don’t quite manage to.
I’m a very lonely person, and I don’t reach out for anyone and I cant help it, like I say, I feel ashamed of who I am and what I’ve become and wish there was a simple answer to the emotional pain, i guess I cant help myself, so how do I expect others to? and I’m writing this just because..? I felt moved by your post I suppose. I don’t want to admit to anybody the way I am, Its a depressing thought in its self.
I would have also told them to Fuck off, they can keep their life.
I wish you the best griks, thanks for sharing your story.
Do I ever feel your pain. I would do anything to just not wake up tomorrow morning. Anything. I would love if I could find a hit man to shoot me in the head, I don’t know where to go about looking though.
I’ve thought about pills and alcohol, co2 and jumping in front of a train… But I desperately want something that will work for 100% certain. The thought of being stuffed in a mental hospital again forced to continue makes me want to vomit.
I wish god would just take me. I am in so much pain and the past 26 years have been filled with an unimaginable amount of torture. I am in such a desperate place and I’ve honestly tried everything to help me… Nothing has worked.
Someone please suggest a method that would end it all today with certainty. I need a way out of this never ending pain that I feel. Please.
This is the method I want to try but I’m afraid the exact same thing will happen and I need to like jump off a very cliff or something. I want to not survive with 100 or near 100% if I try a method.