I really do not want to live anymore

February 28th, 2011by mamacat

I guess it all started back in 2004 when I was overlooked for a promotion which was then given to another employee who had been there half as long as I had.  She did not have more experience or education than I did; she simply got paid from the “right” fund and I got paid from the “wrong” fund.  I found out in a staff meeting in front of many of my coworkers that the promotion went to the other employee and then had to sit through a presentation with my coworkers of how I got screwed and she got the promotion.  I was humiliated, hurt, and embarrassed.  I know the real reason why this coworker got the promotion and I didn’t–because she kissed a lot of butts and I didn’t play that game.  My life immediately went into a downward spiral of severe depression.  I would get up and get dressed for work, go in, sit in my office, and cry for most of the day.  I couldn’t motivate myself to work anymore because it really didn’t seem to matter.  I had worked my butt off for five years only to be passed over for this promotion.  It took me about a year before I really realized that I was in desperate need of help.  Just when I had started treatment (before the meds had a chance to work), I had one last tearful breakdown with my boss over the injustice that was done to me.  I DID mention to her that I had just begun treatment for the depression that the situation had left me battling.  Just a few days later, on the day of my second doctor’s appointment, my supervisor called me upstairs to meet with me “about my salary.”  I was raked over the coals.  I had to meet with 2 supervisors and one of the supervisors told me that I needed to “get over it (the loss of the promotion).”  Then the nitpicking started.  I was off too many Mondays and Fridays (my busiest day at work was Wednesday).  I was accused of doing this to try to get a long weekend.  I still haven’t figured out how getting off work early on a Monday for a doctor’s appointment allowed me to have a long weekend.  I was carrying in “excessive baggage” (I carried in a half gallon of tea every other day because my throat was always dry).  I was on the internet too much (I had a page I regularly used in my work that I left open and minimized on my desktop for convenience).  Once they were finished with the nitpicking, I was told that my internet was being “restricted” (instead it was turned off), I was not to bring in any more “excess baggage,” I was never to be out on Mondays or Fridays again, and from then on I was being watched.  Keep in mind that I had told these monsters that I was suffering from depression and had just begun treatment for it.  By the time I left that office to go to my doctor’s appointment, I was ready to jump off a cliff.  From that day forward, my life at work became a nightmare.  They made up a whole set of rules that applied only to me and they enforced other rules only on me.  They would constantly harass me about something.  Then one day in 2008, they jumped all over me for breaking a rule that they did not enforce on anyone BUT me.  I was written up and immediately filed a grievance, which was a joke considering the people I was filing the grievance against were on the board for the grievance hearings.  I secretly tape recorded my hearing and I did so well in defending myself and trying to keep this one supervisor from double-talking that he blew up at me.  I was sure that when his boss heard this recording, he would be punished and I would be vindicated.  I was a fool to think that.  I then took my grievance to his boss, let him listen to the recording of the hearing, and gave him pages of documentation to show that I was being harassed and retaliated against.  His boss then sent me a letter regarding the outcome of the hearing.  I was found to be at fault for breaking the rules (that everyone else broke but was never punished for), I was scolded for taking too many notes during work, and I was forced to go to EAP meetings.  Three weeks after my hearing, I was transferred from the job I had held for 9 years into a job working with a bully that no one could stand.  I had been in constant torment for 4 years by this time.  I knew I had no choice but to get out.  I would be eligible for early retirement in a few months, though I would have to pay over $43,000 to achieve this to receive a small monthly pension and keep my health insurance.  I did not tell these people anything for fear that they would fire me.  I refinanced my house to get the part of the money that I needed that I didn’t already have in my 401k to pay for my ability to retire, quietly filled out the paperwork, then ran for my life.  My family is constantly in financial straits because I was forced out of my job (and I did find out later that they were trying to build a case to have me fired).  I have tried unsuccessfully for the past 17 months since I retired to get another job.  I can’t help but think that these people are giving me bad references and helping to keep me unemployed.  I am still severely depressed and traumatized by what all happened to me at the hands of these monsters.  I have not had one happy day in my life in the last 7 yrs.  Other than my 11-yr-old daughter, I have nothing left to live for or look forward to.  There is no money for vacations or any kind of shopping.  I do not want to live this way any longer.  I want to die.  I want to die and go to Heaven and be with my Mother and grandma and never again have to worry about money or a job or live in this pain and torment that I endure every single day that I wake up.  I went to counseling but the counselor did not help me and I do not have the money to throw away on someone who is not able to help me deal with the bullying and harassment that I endured for 5 yrs.  My insurance is crappy and will not pay for a good counselor.  I have tried every medication there is to try and nothing helps my depression, anxiety, and insomnia.  If I did not have to pick my daughter up at school today, I would have killed myself today.  There just never seems to be a good time for me to do it because I don’t want her to be the one to find me.  But nevertheless, I do not want to live anymore.  Life means NOTHING to me anymore.  I hate my life and the way it has turned out.  I hate being alive and wish that I would just die.

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