I really do not want to live anymore

February 28th, 2011 by mamacat

I guess it all started back in 2004 when I was overlooked for a promotion which was then given to another employee who had been there half as long as I had.  She did not have more experience or education than I did; she simply got paid from the “right” fund and I got paid from the “wrong” fund.  I found out in a staff meeting in front of many of my coworkers that the promotion went to the other employee and then had to sit through a presentation with my coworkers of how I got screwed and she got the promotion.  I was humiliated, hurt, and embarrassed.  I know the real reason why this coworker got the promotion and I didn’t–because she kissed a lot of butts and I didn’t play that game.  My life immediately went into a downward spiral of severe depression.  I would get up and get dressed for work, go in, sit in my office, and cry for most of the day.  I couldn’t motivate myself to work anymore because it really didn’t seem to matter.  I had worked my butt off for five years only to be passed over for this promotion.  It took me about a year before I really realized that I was in desperate need of help.  Just when I had started treatment (before the meds had a chance to work), I had one last tearful breakdown with my boss over the injustice that was done to me.  I DID mention to her that I had just begun treatment for the depression that the situation had left me battling.  Just a few days later, on the day of my second doctor’s appointment, my supervisor called me upstairs to meet with me “about my salary.”  I was raked over the coals.  I had to meet with 2 supervisors and one of the supervisors told me that I needed to “get over it (the loss of the promotion).”  Then the nitpicking started.  I was off too many Mondays and Fridays (my busiest day at work was Wednesday).  I was accused of doing this to try to get a long weekend.  I still haven’t figured out how getting off work early on a Monday for a doctor’s appointment allowed me to have a long weekend.  I was carrying in “excessive baggage” (I carried in a half gallon of tea every other day because my throat was always dry).  I was on the internet too much (I had a page I regularly used in my work that I left open and minimized on my desktop for convenience).  Once they were finished with the nitpicking, I was told that my internet was being “restricted” (instead it was turned off), I was not to bring in any more “excess baggage,” I was never to be out on Mondays or Fridays again, and from then on I was being watched.  Keep in mind that I had told these monsters that I was suffering from depression and had just begun treatment for it.  By the time I left that office to go to my doctor’s appointment, I was ready to jump off a cliff.  From that day forward, my life at work became a nightmare.  They made up a whole set of rules that applied only to me and they enforced other rules only on me.  They would constantly harass me about something.  Then one day in 2008, they jumped all over me for breaking a rule that they did not enforce on anyone BUT me.  I was written up and immediately filed a grievance, which was a joke considering the people I was filing the grievance against were on the board for the grievance hearings.  I secretly tape recorded my hearing and I did so well in defending myself and trying to keep this one supervisor from double-talking that he blew up at me.  I was sure that when his boss heard this recording, he would be punished and I would be vindicated.  I was a fool to think that.  I then took my grievance to his boss, let him listen to the recording of the hearing, and gave him pages of documentation to show that I was being harassed and retaliated against.  His boss then sent me a letter regarding the outcome of the hearing.  I was found to be at fault for breaking the rules (that everyone else broke but was never punished for), I was scolded for taking too many notes during work, and I was forced to go to EAP meetings.  Three weeks after my hearing, I was transferred from the job I had held for 9 years into a job working with a bully that no one could stand.  I had been in constant torment for 4 years by this time.  I knew I had no choice but to get out.  I would be eligible for early retirement in a few months, though I would have to pay over $43,000 to achieve this to receive a small monthly pension and keep my health insurance.  I did not tell these people anything for fear that they would fire me.  I refinanced my house to get the part of the money that I needed that I didn’t already have in my 401k to pay for my ability to retire, quietly filled out the paperwork, then ran for my life.  My family is constantly in financial straits because I was forced out of my job (and I did find out later that they were trying to build a case to have me fired).  I have tried unsuccessfully for the past 17 months since I retired to get another job.  I can’t help but think that these people are giving me bad references and helping to keep me unemployed.  I am still severely depressed and traumatized by what all happened to me at the hands of these monsters.  I have not had one happy day in my life in the last 7 yrs.  Other than my 11-yr-old daughter, I have nothing left to live for or look forward to.  There is no money for vacations or any kind of shopping.  I do not want to live this way any longer.  I want to die.  I want to die and go to Heaven and be with my Mother and grandma and never again have to worry about money or a job or live in this pain and torment that I endure every single day that I wake up.  I went to counseling but the counselor did not help me and I do not have the money to throw away on someone who is not able to help me deal with the bullying and harassment that I endured for 5 yrs.  My insurance is crappy and will not pay for a good counselor.  I have tried every medication there is to try and nothing helps my depression, anxiety, and insomnia.  If I did not have to pick my daughter up at school today, I would have killed myself today.  There just never seems to be a good time for me to do it because I don’t want her to be the one to find me.  But nevertheless, I do not want to live anymore.  Life means NOTHING to me anymore.  I hate my life and the way it has turned out.  I hate being alive and wish that I would just die.

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7 Responses to “I really do not want to live anymore”

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  1. You’re story sounds very similar to mine. I too have been forced out of jobs and ganged up against, and yes I secretly taped the meetings too!

    It just doesn’t work, there is a system, and if that system is against you, you cannot fight it and hope to win. I’m currently on benefits due to not wanting to be a part of that system again, but I’m just out of one and into the other. Constantly fighting with the benefits office over my claim. I started the claim in December and only received any money today. Then the banks jump on the chance to screw me over some more, imposing more fees and fines than I can ever hope to afford…

    Your daughter needs you though. You need to find a way to coexist with the system, and you will probably find happiness in your retirement if you do happen to take it early – I’m sure your daughter will be a massive contribution to that. Keep going for her, and remind yourself every day that she brings you happiness, and it will make getting through it a whole lot easier.

  2. Sorry to hear bout your job sounds like you worked with a bunch of idiots anyway. Its good that you sought help for your depression and yeah i know therapy’s expensive it should be either really cheap or bloody free. Maybe try a few different meds i also have depression and anxiety and am on aropax you tried that one? I really hope that a good job pops up for you

  3. I’m in a similar boat with regard to work. I do feel there is a special place in hell for those type of supervisors. They’re not even human f*cking beings. I do have faith that Karma will get them in the end though.

  4. I’m in a similar boat with regard to work. I do feel there is a special place in hell for those type of supervisors. They’re not even human f*cking beings. I do have faith that Karma will get them in the end though. Oh well, just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

  5. Sounds oh too familiar with my personal life and I am sure many others. with the meds and the flake doctors and the job. As the other post here. I believe in karma as well and those people do get theirs in some form or fashion. Though it never seems enough for the stuff they do to others.

  6. Hey MamaCat,

    I been down that road and it definitely is not an easy thing to deal with. My advice to you would be to remember that there is no real right or wrong in a situation based purely on perception. Once management gets you in their cross hairs, it can be difficult or impossible to recover. Throughout my career I have many different bosses, and quite a few of them come at me with all sorts of lame accusations.

    A good supervisor would have taken you aside and asked what was going on. They would have told you that your performance hadn’t been up to snuff but and then asked what they could do to help you get things back on track. In the real world good supervisors are few and far between.

    Now that many years has since passed since I that nightmare first began, Looking back over my shoulder I can see that I was at fault a lot more than I was willing to admit at the time. It was not that I had done things wrong, but simply that I did not always put forth the effort to show up to work and give 100% every single day. I had gotten too comfortable a few times and lost sight of the reality that I was very fortunate to have the job that I did. I lost my job after 16 years employment with no retirement and no benefits. I didn’t have a degree or any marketable job skills either. After a year of unemployment and scraping by, I decided that I couldn’t carry the burden anymore. I simply chose to leave everything in gods hands and not worry about it ever again. I swore to myself that I would do all I could to get back on my feet, beyond that, only God would decide my fate.

    I lost everything but my car and some clothes. I started thinking about all the things that had happened which led up to me losing my job and tried to identify everything that I could do better on in the future. Things like keeping a cheerful attitude and always trying to shine as a good worker, rather than blend in, were the two most important things that I wanted to do better on in the future.

    Ultimately, instead of letting everything eat me up, I chose to look back on it as a learning experience. We can’t control everything in the universe, and things don’t always go our way, but there is always something we can find to be thankful for.

    That long dark night began 8 years ago and I’m just now starting to see things turn around. I went back to college on student loans and lived in a little wooden tool shed while I did it. I’m now working again and doing even better than I was before.

    Had none of this happened, I probably would never have gone back to school to get a degree. It was an achievement that has brought me a lot of personal satisfaction. After another 15 years of work, I have made more money than I would have gotten out of my retirement.

    Everyday when I go to work I think about how difficult that experience was to endure. It helps me find the motivation to try harder and to remember that I have an ethical responsibility to earn every dollar that I’m paid and to give my employer my best effort everyday. It may sound strange, but I really didn’t do that before, and it took losing my job for me to realize it.

    I’m not saying that your circumstances are exactly like mine, but as you say, you are standing at a cross road and asking yourself is life even worth living anymore. All I can tell you is to pray for strength when you need it, carry as much as you can, and leave the rest to god. This is an opportunity for you open your mind to the idea of new experiences and try something new. So much of what lies ahead is unknown, just try to believe that the best part of your life is yet to come and you find the answers you need.

    P.S., medication can do wonders for depression, but so can many other things such as the company of a supportive friend, uplifting music, and a strong spiritual foundation.

  7. I believe every life is precious & i feel u r also precious may be not to me but for the people who love you. Life is like a cave, as u walk into it and keep growing there will be many obstacles. If u dont have any obstacles & you find the end of cave soon you will miss the opportunity seeing what lies ahead. But in ur life problems have closed in on you in the cave, i see you struggled very hard not to just walk but to even crawl. But remember God keeps a watch on everybody, when you make a little effort to fight all this and keep trying he will notice you and show the path to crawl out of the cave. Where you will find not only happiness but also peace to your mind. Then the people who made you struggle in your past they will start envying your life.

    May i suggest one thing for all the people in this blog – Lets meet up, all at a convenient place, share our feelings. Make new friends, a fresh start. To make yourself feel free.
    You can contact me on 9535699223. I will always be available to listen everything you want to share and be helpful to you in anyway i can:-)

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