My preferred name is Aurey, I’m 19 years old and I feel like I’m ready to die. My life has just been one big ball of shit since I was 4 years old and my disgusting asshole father started molesting me. It got shittier when my parents split and I had to move away from everything I knew. Since I was 11 years old I’ve had no friends, but for people who get sick of hearing me whine about my life. I got married last october 28th, and our marriage lasted 2 weeks before I left him for this guy I fell head over heels in love with at work. He promised me he’d never beat me or ignore me, say cruel things, and try to cheat on me like my husband did, and it’s only true that he never hit me. I moved in with him to get away from my husband who was threatening suicide if I left. He attempted but failed. I lived with the guy from work for a month before he broke up with me and kicked me out. The reason being, because I kept getting mad at him for talking to his exgirlfriend when she was saying things like “can I fuck you” and trying to convince him that he didn’t really love me, he just felt sorry for me. So after he kicked me out he still continued to come over to my apartment to have sex with me, until Christmas, when his ex came to visit and he stopped coming over, talking to me at work and answering my texts. After new years he started talking to me again, and coming over for sex. I soon learned that his ex had never left, she had moved in with him and I was no longer allowed at his house that I used to live in. He continued using me for sex for the next 2 months, he said we were “semi-together” and that he wouldn’t mind being with me. That he loved me, saw us getting married and having a family together. Then he stopped coming over but like once or twice a week, so he could spend more time with his ex. He kept blowing me off and blowing me off that I eventually blew up, and told him I gave up on trying to get him to come over, and he starts telling me I’m crazy, and I need on medication, that he can only help me so much and that my depression isn’t his fault. He stopped responding to my texts after saying that. The next day at work I asked him if I could get a chance to talk to him that day and he said no. I got so upset I had to leave work early crying hysterically. I texted him later asking if I could fix this and he said probably not. Unless I’m willing to change, but he’s guessing I’m not. I asked him how I needed to change and he said if I didn’t know than forget it. I begged sayong I’d change, I just didn’t know what he wanted me to change, told him I love him more than anything, and that I’d do whatever it takes to make us work, and he never responded. Then tonight at work he said we wouldn’t be hanging out at lunch anymore, and thy ge wasn’t gonna give me another chance. He said its because he didn’t appreciate the way I acted towards him. I asked how I acted badly and he never responded.
Now I’m half assedly trying to go back to my husband for fear of being alone. He’s not making it easy.
I have no friends, my family’s a bunch of assholes, and I hate myself.
I’m unable to have children, so I always considered my cat Gabriel, my son. About a year ago he died of cancer. We did everything we could, but it was just too late. I died with him. I lost all my love for the world when he died. I had been a very obsessively strict vegan for 2 years, and I started eating animal products again after that. I just stopped caring about everything.
I’ve dealt with suicidal feelings since I was 11 years old. I even had a sad pathetic suicide attempt when I was 15. But I’m really ready now. I want to depart. My greatest concern is the method. I had been trying to study the helium hood method, but didn’t want to wait so long to order the actual hood. I was curious if tying a garbage bad around my neck, filling it with a 30 balloon helium tank from the store, then quickly tightening the bag around my neck would work? Theoretically I should be able to fill the bag with enough helium to make me pass out, then just suffocate from the bag right? Please tell me if that seems feasible. The idea of waking up after soiling myself or getting brain damage don’t sound very appealing. I failed once, I don’t want to again
20 comments
I really wish someone was here right now, I can’t sit still. I can’t keep on with this
I know it’s been rough for you but don’t think you should exit yet. Wait give your self time. The guy you were with sound’s like Asshole. Just usein you for sex. u walked out on your husband after 2 week’s what? Poor guy. Your got some growin up to do i think.
Oh but it’s ok, my husband’s back with his 15 year old exgirlfriend. He’s 20 btw. When things were “good” in that 2 weeks he told me he didn’t mean any of the vows we took, he thought it was funny. The guy at work think my marriage has always been a joke, he says I didn’t give up anything for him and says that getting away from my husband is a good thing. He wont acknowledge that it was a very hard and hurtful thing for me.
Why I really feel like I can’t go on is my work situation. I have to see this guy everyday at work, we even have the same days off. I’ve already been told I’m “jeopardizing my job” by my manager. I really can’t find another job here, and I can’t cope with seeing him every day.
Haha though, that’s exactly what my charming stepbrother keeps telling me “grow the fuck up and move on”
Thank you for responding and listening to me whine. I’ve annoyed everyone else to the point where everyones avoiding me
It all started at 4 Aurey……any issues anyone has will come out when they’re in a relationship-especially abandonment issues. It’s not your fault but you get the lovely task of having to deal with what your father did to you.
It’s a hard road – I experienced trauma but nothing like yours. I’d be willing to talk but you have to make a choice to get away from the abuse you are attracting into your life….it’s just how it works. You never had the chance to grow up properly with love and care so you look for it in abusive men cause that’s what your dad taught you….what else can you know if that’s all that was served to you at a tender age. You ca email pauld891@gmail.com if you want some help. Cheers!
Next time don’t get involved with some one you work with. You see this guy at work so you still love him? I think this guy will try coming back for esey sex no string’s .
@game over: even now, I’m still somewhat in denial about him using me for sex. I really wanted to believe all times he swore he loved me, but its so obvious he didn’t. He’d sit there complimenting the way I look for 10 minutes straight, then I’d ask him…what about my personality…? And he just go on saying I was the sexiest chick he’s ever seen…I guess it kinda helped with me feeling bad about my image, but still kinda like telling me that my looks are all I have, there’s nothing on the inside. Apparently he has a habit of sleeping around and dating people he works with, so being one of many just makes me feel humiliated. For some unexplainable reason I’m still obsessed and head over heels in love with him. And having to see his ex come visit him on breaks doesn’t help either…
@softsoul: thank you. I really just felt like you understood just there. I’m used to abuse, it’s normal. I once dated a guy in high school who didn’t hit me, and I had to ask him why haha. I don’t know how to react when someone treats me like a person. Thank you for offering to talk with me! My emails aureyslasthope@Hotmail.com. had to make a new email for this so my husband can’t spy on me
Look i hope you work it out & fined some one who care’s about you but your still young don’t be played play.
Thank you. I just don’t feel like I can do this, or that I even want to. I don’t want to be happy, I don’t want to get over it, I just want everything to stop. It might be childish or stupid, but I don’t want to wake up to this every day. And with me not being able to go to work without crying hysterically, I’ll get fired for sure and end up without a place to live. I live by myself now which doesn’t really help matters
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I don’t think all your post came through.
Im Saying Don’t kill your self yet ok wait. You would fell better if you had a group of friend’s to talk to.
I’m really afraid to keep living. What good will waiting do? All the “friends” I have are either avoiding me or tell me to shut up when I mention feeling suicidal ’cause “it’s not funny”
I guess I’m here because I’m scared. I’m not sure what I want to hear, I just don’t want there to be proverbial silence
Im no counsellor but Im just saying keep living courage. Maybe try talking with this guy again
Around the time gabriel passed away I wanted to kill myself too. I gues that was about a year ago. Someone I talked to then convinced me to wait, and acomplish my goals first to see if that would change the way I felt. My goals at the time were to find a job, I found a decent one, I dropped out of hs. So my options are and were somewhat limited, but I kept trying and now I make about twice as much as my mom (which I guess isn’t saying a lot, but hey…) I wanted to get my own place and I did. I have my own apartment by myself. I wanted to get the guy that had just broken up with me for being too depressing back, and not only did we get back together, I even got him to marry me. I’ve waited a year, gotten everything I wanted, and I’m more miserable than ever. Now, I don’t even want anything. I don’t even want the work guy back. Even if he came back it wouldn’t be the same, I’d be unlikely to get past this. I just tried so hard and it only got worse. Time is my enemy, the more that goes by, the worse I get.
I tried to, he said he really didn’t want to talk to me, that’d it would just be the same conversation we’ve had before
Pet’s are good
They really are! My kitty was my world for 10 years. I have a cat now that I just can’t connect with. I got him as a companion for my kitty that passed away, so when I look at him all I can think of is Gabriel
I guess I’ve whined my little heart ouf now. Does my method idea atleast sound feasible? I’d really really hate to fail
What’s the rush. Keep working out the kinks. Ironically what I’ve said can be applied to two separate choices.
I really should have :/ I would really just like to get this done with before I actually get fired. I’m supposed to go back to work Friday night. I have a friend that doesn’t mind discussing methods with me, but I can never concoct a plan that isn’t horribly violent. I’ve already had too much violence