I hate that I’m a survivor… it shouldn’t have been this way (see the post “Today Was The Day”)… yesterday I was pretty convinced that I wouldn’t be able to go out to the garage today and try again. It’s not even noon my time and I find every minute that slowly ticks away is increasing the possibility that I will somehow find myself in the garage today…. my neck and throat still hurt, yet that urge and desire grows stronger…. nothing has changed except the pain in my throat and neck… so….. what is stopping me? I’m not sure, but I’m also not sure that what ever is stopping me now, will continue to do so…..
thanks for the forum, at least I can vent without going to jail…..
F.T.S.
24 comments
Please hold on to life. I know it can be hard, but talking with others can help.
that’s the issue… today especially….. there is no one to talk to….. the house is quiet, the phone don’t ring…. the only people that I have ever felt like talking to about this kind of stuff I have alienated…. and they don’t want to talk to me….. even through email….
so far so good….. it is 1:30 pm my time and I haven’t visited the garage yet… one day at time, and I knew today would be tough…
Hello
First I cant believe that people go to jail if they are suicidal. What kind of a criminal System is that ?
If someone is suicidal in Spain, a specialised doctor rushes to the house of the patient, and a nurse and he is cared all the way, taken to a hospital if needed, even if he has zero financial resources and is out of job. In America it seems they jail you, jesuschrist what a wicked country!
Well, coming back you you, you need to stay away from temptations to harm yourself. Is there any chance you have anybody close around, relatives, friends, whatever, ? if not, just go out to the street, eat, drink, walk, distract yourself, anything goes, chat up chicks, whatever except sticking in the house. If pretty bad, walk in the Emergency ward of a hospital and let them know.
If your reality seems catastrohpic to you, break away with your current routine and go to south america, chase the girls, they are quite friendly there, if you dont have money to go, join an NGO and let them take you there, any alternative is better than hurting yourself.
keep us updated
I agree with you about the stupidness of going to jail…. but it is a reality here in the US. I have already been jailed once in 2005 for only mentioning to someone that I wanted to hurt myself…. never acted upon that desire only made the mistake of telling someone…. so that fear of being jailed is very real for me…. I don’t feel like I can walk into the hospital… I still have visible bruising and redness on my neck…. they would have to have the police involved….
interesting that you mention chasing women more than once…. right now, all I want to do is curl up in a nice warm bed and be held by someone who makes me feel loved inspite of the demons chasing me…. please also understand, I live in the Rockie Mtns…. very isolated and the weather is still too nasty just to take a nice walk…
one of the issues going on here is my financial situation…. I’m old, unemployable, beyond broke and the government is taking what little money I can find….. so what ever money I earn goes to the government…. I can’t even buy food….. not that I’ll need it for very much longer.
why do people feel that anything is better than hurting yourself when I feel just the opposite?
damn O: i been following your story. First of all Fuck the goverment. And yea thats kinda wrong if you cant affored or buy food. but your right like most people can go like a week or two without it. I feel really sorry for you like no lie. Try avoiding the garage. Like doing what your doing post stuff, like writing how you feel on paper. Draw to relieve strees just continue to avoid the garage.
yeah…. been trying not to leave the house actually…. for fear of going to the garage….. the rope is still hanging from the rafter… I know if I see it what will probably happen…. and I’ve been posting alot today… writing in my journal also…. trying to keep busy.
Hi FTS, I think I know what you’re talking about, particularly the part about being isolated in the mtns. I spent a horribly wretched winter in the remote north… weather was painfully cold & drab. 10-word conversations with the check out girl at the town grocery store once a month was the extent of my social interaction. Human beings are not designed to live as solitary creatures. This applies to mountain cabins as well as the loneliness of a NYC apartment. Unfortunately there is no easy fix.
Two things saved my life. One was the internet where, like what we’re all doing here, you can express yourself without John Law coming to haul you to jail (yes this once great country built by ‘outcasts’ is now the worst place on earth for outcasts).
The other thing that saved me, even more than the first, was a dog. It may sound like a stupid suggestion, but maybe you should consider picking a doomed pup out of the pound. The act of saving a life may, in turn, come back to you in unexpectedly good ways.
I feel like an idiot for suggesting to someone who is possibly minutes from suicide, “get a dog”, but I honestly think a dog would help, when the human race has failed you.
I’ve always been somewhat of a loner…. have suffered depression from single digit age… I agree, humans were not meant to be solitary, but in my case it almost seems that I am meant to be alone. I’ve always been more comfortable alone… not necessarily happier… just more comfortable… have to admit lonliness is a part of what I’m feeling… never been one to admit that, feeling that I can handle and actually enjoy being alone than anyone I know…
This forum is excellent if only for the fact I can vent without having to worry about being taken away… I know there are other things that it is good for, but for me today….. this is the only place I could say some of these things with out going to jail…
funny you mention a dog…. I actually have a pet… it’s a cat, but any pet…. is a small wonder. Yesterday, I left a special note…. asking who or whomever to please take care of it… it is actually one of the things I’ve always considered first…. what will happen to my cat… and I’ve even tried giving her away, but to those that know how much I care for my pet (and I could never just give her to just anyone), that brought red flags instantly…. I really can’t have a dog right now, with my living situation, but believe me, I know what you’re saying…. pets are wonderful and have prevented me from acting out on thoughts before.
Yeah cats are amazing too. I’ve always found comfort in pets (except for an iguana that someone dumped on me. That thing did NOT like me at all).
About being a loner, that describes me perfectly too. Maybe with people like us it’s a case of “the grass is always greener”… When you’re with people you feel stifled and wish for solitude. When you find solitude you feel empty and wish for someone to share it with.
In general I’m fine being perfectly alone, but sometimes… like after you watch a stupid Hugh Grant movie… you wish you could find someone to just lie down with & watch the sunrise.
I know you mentioned you barely have any $$$ but what do you think about jumping in your car & driving to the coast? Find a beach with a few people walking around, smile & tip your hat. Even that small interaction might give you the strength to keep going.
As a lifelong depression sufferer myself, I don’t think it’s a disease but rather a strong urge to find some extraordinary situation that will make you happy. You mentioned writing. Hemingway was a huge success from his depression & writing. Well, bad example, he sorta blew his brains out… but maybe you get the idea. Find something that eases the pain, and hang on to that for dear life. Btw, would you ever consider sharing some of your writings? Depressed authors are the only ones I like to read.
Hey Scooby,
thanks for the conversation…. that alone has helped…. there is something to that grass is greener thing…. it took me a long time to understand that to be human was NOT to be alone…. like I said… I’m more comfortable being alone… I just don’t know how to keep relationships going…. all the women in my life have complained about not getting close and then when I let them in, they can’t handle the depression…. and I end up hurting them (emotionally, not physically)…. yeah, the beach…. I grew up only an hours drive from the coast….. sounds nice but is now about 800 miles away….. won’t be going there soon….
not sure about the disease thing or not….. I’ve always felt I was just wired differently…. and do believe the chemical reaction in the brain is different in those who suffer…. which is why medication helps so many…. I could never afford it long enough to really know… but really don’t want to be on drugs the rest of my life either….
mmmm…. sharing…… always felt my writings were to be found after I’m gone…. and they’re pretty gloomy but I’ve also had GF’s being snoopy find my books and read them anyway….. at this point I really don’t care if people see them or not…. some are pretty old, from the early or mid 90’s… wish I would have discovered writing earlier… as far as dealing with emotions and such.
Hello SuicideKillMe
hmm, I am not quite sure I have understood you. Possibly you have mixed paragraphs from other people with mine ? I havent written anything about garage or self depressing thoughts.
About the government and stuff that was not the origin of my article at all, it was about the importance of having at least notions of psychology to Understand oneself and understand others, because very often we miss that, and when we miss that, we carry on suffering without knowing the reasons.
Then i made a comment that it is in anglosaxon countries where people suffer most and i critized those countries. Then someone commented on it and we drifted completely off my topic to end up talking about anything possible.
So far, at least my interest is if I can make at least 1 feel at least a bit better, that is all.
regards
O
There are programs that can help you get medication for much cheaper.
cheaper yes…. but the freebies which is all I can afford run out….
Hey FTS, it wouldn’t surprise me if we’ve had some of the same girlfriends… I’ve had 3 very serious ones, and each time it’s just like you said…
Year 1-2, she says: “I want to know the real you. Let me in!”
Year 2-4, I let her in.
Year 4-6, she says: “Uh… I didn’t really want to know that much. Later dude.”
Here’s a weird self-evaluation question for you… do you think you may consciously push them away by exaggerating the worst? Like maybe it’s that “lone wolf” nature of yours asserting itself?
Another possibility (I’m talking more about myself than implying anything about you) is that you may have a bit of an emotional mean streak where you somehow find pleasure in hurting them. Gawd I feel like a sicko just typing that, but I’m not talking about sadism. I’m just talking about trying to bring her “down” to your level. Misery loves company & all.
Well at this point you probably don’t need tips on your love life, as if I’m any pro :/
I fully agree with you about meds. Our brains have chemical imbalances that can/should be corrected artificially. But the idea of becoming dependent on meds to get out of bed every morning… is that a life?
You’ve got me really curious about your writings, although I won’t push it because that stuff is private. But can you tell us what sort of things you write about? Personal experiences? Poetry? Fiction?
Sorry Scubes, I can’t even THINK about my non existant love life right now… I’m sure there is some of the misery loves company thing, I’m sure there is just some physical brain wiring that is leading to the wrong terminals…. I want to be loved, but deny it can ever happen…. I love, but refuse to be loved….. I’m as f***ed up as anyone…..
when I first started writing, I wrote what I call poems…. rhymes mostly, with an effort to get the cadence right…. that’s just how the emotions came to me…. then I started a journal… daily stuff…. sometimes mundane, sometimes a truly remarkable insight into me… the only time I wrote was when I was feeling bad…. hey, when everything’s good, just keep doin what you’re doin…. don’t do stories…. although I can relate a personal experience very well… I’m a good story teller…. as long as it’s my story… mostly journal entries and crappy rhymes…… I find that when I’m depressed, my imagination gets stifled…. that’s one of the things that makes it hard to snap out of it…. you can’t imagine anything different.
Here is an example of my crappy rhymes… I wrote this today…. it’s to a police officer I talked to on Thurs or Fri… I was actually considering turning myself in BEFORE I hurt myself…. I went to the sherrifs office to ask some questions about how the process worked…. I barely got out of there… when I left I felt lucky not to have been jailed right then…. anyway, this is to the detective that interviewed me…..
I wish we could be friends,
but that’s not how this will end.
I can’t talk to you much more,
or I’ll go to jail for sure.
Please don’t take it personal,
if I end up horizontal
it’s not you who decides
whether one lives or dies.
I wrote it on the back of his card, and left it on my keyboard…. but never made it to the garage today
Oh, and my geography totally sucks. I was thinking the Rockies were just a stroll down to the beach. Dumb east coaster am I.
hah hah hah…. no prob…. my latest ex is from… is in Connecticut…. brought her out west….. it’s part of why she’s an ex :-0
FTS, dude… you should be writing songs. I’m completely serious, do you have any singing voice at all and/or the ability to strum a guitar?
The reason I mention that is I was hanging out with a band a little while ago, great musicians but their lyrics were empty. I’m not one to talk, having the poetic ability of a bullfrog, but I know what I like & don’t like. Your poem is the kind of thing that really speaks to me. Cuts to the core of feeling alienated.
I thing depression is a great reason to write. The happy stuff just don’t cut it. I remember reading Walt Whitman in school, some crap about rolling around naked in the roses.. um sorry, not for me. I think depressing things are a lot more interesting to read about because it deals with feelings that are so hard to express. So if you’ve got a knack for it, I say spend the next 12 hours filling a book with your thoughts. Hey, it’ll keep you out of the garage, right?
Get yourself a $25 guitar at the local pawn shop & put your poems to music. That’s your mission for the week. Howzbout that?
PS A Connecticut girl out west? Haha, that’s doomed from the start.
I have no musical ability…. sing like a bullfrog or something… can’t play an instrument… but I have written at least one uh… poem I guess….. with a melody in my head and the intent of it being a song….. I have written some completely insane the world couldn’t be better crap as well…. usually after I meet a girl 🙂 but mostly stuff like the one to the cop… I’ve got binders full of this stuff…. not to mention what is in the journal…. I’m sure it will all burn with my clothes after I’m gone….
Having no musical ability & singing like a bullfrog never stopped Cher 😉
J/K she’s actually a hero of mine.
I hope you post more of your poems here. A lot of people post their poetry & I really like reading it, even though I don’t always reply. Whatever you do, don’t let it burn! Your writing is the only way the world will know the hell you’ve been thru …the hell we’ve all been thru but aren’t gifted enough to write about. If nothing else, you should post 1 poem each day on this site. Give us something to look forward to.
you know Scubes…. just posting on here all day did make a difference for me today. It helped…. some…. there were definitly times when I wanted to confront the demons that still exist in the garage.
I can try to post often…. don’t know about everyday…. I’m sure there are gonna be days I don’t get out of bed….. but I know in the next few days I will be here most of the time…. so I’ll post a few more.
Fair enough buddy, take it a day at a time, just stay out of that garage huh? Or if you do go back in there, make sure you’re accompanied by your fierce attack cat… she won’t let the demons get close.
I’m glad posting here helped… it helped me a lot too… getting a glimpse into other peoples troubles sometimes makes me forget my own.
had to go out today anyway, so when I got back to the house I went into the garage… I had to….. I had to see the rope still there….. I tied another noose and pulled on it hard, trying to figure out what went wrong…. it took a while, but I was finally able to get the noose to fall apart like what happened Saturday….. as long as it took with me TRYING to get it to fall apart, I now see that I was not far from my goal Saturday…. I also know what and how, so next time it will work….
anyway, I really just wanted to reply to tell you I posted one “poem” last night…. see the post “I’m All Through”…. and when done with this reply will post another… see the post “An Ending”…. hope you enjoy them, hope others do as well….. missing the conversation today as I know most folks are at work or school….. really thought the weekends would be tougher than the workdays, but since finding this site Saturday after my “incident”, realize that might not be the case….
PS – snowing hard here right now…..