I want to kill myself today

November 18th, 2011 by rr184189

I have tried to focus on the positive. Tried talking to someone. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and nothing is working anymore. I have felt suicidal for a large portion of my life. I was hospitalized in May and tried to kill myself in my hospital room. I just want to hang myself or slit my wrists. Or overdose on my meds. I feel so alone and I just can’t do this anymore. My family doesn’t understand. Nobody does.

I don’t want to tell my therapist because I don’t want to be in the hospital again. It scares my friends, but I think they just want me to stop talking about it. My sister gets scared when I mention it to her. Nobody seems to know what I need, I don’t know what I need. I’ve lived 27 years. 14 of which I’ve lived with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’m so tired of living this life. It’s too exhausting. Too frustrating. I just wanted to reach out one more time before I do it. Maybe I’ll get the hope that I need.

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13 Responses to “I want to kill myself today”

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  1. I understand what you mean by going through the motions. I have tasked to a few people on here about the same notions and motions. If you are reaching out for a shoulder, a friend, ear, whatever. I will try to be that person for you. Email, chat, any way I can assist let me know. Try talking to someone who is where you are. If that makes any sense.

  2. I know it won’t make you feel any better and I bet you’ve heard this before, but I’ve been there. 14 years and I’ve wanted to die since I was 8. It’s scary when you want to tell someone and they won’t listen, because they feel scared and they don’t understand any of it. It’s a hard thing to do, living life like this, but it’s a great thing that you’ve reached out, because I don’t want you to die. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but don’t die. Don’t feel like you have to prove anything to anyone, or try to make your family understand, because they’ve never been through this, so they can’t understand. It’s a hard thing to do, living with everything that’s going on in life. Don’t die because the world would be harder to live in because you’re gone. You never know, you might be the person who changes the world.

  3. I understand what you mean by going through the motions. I have tasked to a few people on here about the same notions and motions. If you are reaching out for a shoulder, a friend, ear, whatever. I will try to be that person for you. Email, chat, any way I can assist let me know. Try talking to someone who is where you are. If that makes any sense.

  4. I appreciate your offering to be there for me. I’m not really sure what I need or what I’m reaching out for. I just don’t want to feel so alone.

  5. I wish I could hug someone posting here. I appreciate your words a lot.

  6. Hey there, I know the feeling of loneliness. seems like no one cares about what you’re going through in life. Every time you talk about it all you get is a strange look from people and/or your family and friends. I think you just need someone that can hear all your cries and someone that can lend you a hand to guide you to a better state of life. No one would understand your situations, unless that person has been in your position before and came out alive and changed.

    Let me ask you this one question, do you really want to end it?

  7. I don’t necessarily want to end my life. I want to end the pain that I’m in. I want to turn my feelings off.

  8. I tried to kill myself yesterday, I fucked up tho because I didn’t only manage to not electricute myself, but ended up fucking up the outlet. Now I need a new outlet and a new way of suicide. I can’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. My dad walked out in me, my mom does her best but it isn’t enough. I think that if or when I do it, I will be less of an expense, other than the funeral. I feel so alone in this world. I just want to end it so I can stop the pain. FYI this isn’t because of my dad, although it was kinda the last straw.

  9. @rr184189 that’s exactly how i feel. i don’t want to end my life, i want to end my feelings. they’re too overwhelming. my family doesn’t understand either. i spent all day in my room today, practically drowning in my own tears, and got not a single word from either of them. i’m so glad i found this place though. even reading that other people are feeling the same things as i am makes it seem a little better. like at least i’m not the only crazy person on the planet who thinks about killing herself daily. it makes my feelings seem a tiny bit less overwhelming, knowing that others share them. i hope it helps you too. i think pain is a little less exhausting to deal with when you know there’s someone sharing it with you. so, if you need, i’ll be that person. and if not, i hope that reading some of the posts helps you feel a little better (:

  10. Pills do not work if you have other people in the same household because i took a whole
    bottle of Tylenol quietly in my bedroom and about 3-5 hrs later if that i cold extreme cold chills vomiting yellow mucus and could not stop making moan noises my mom woke up hearing the sounds and seeing me covered in my own yellow mucus and seen the bottle and rushed me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach put me on an IV and the next day was released so it was all for nothing.

    My problem is i was molested when i was 7yo then my uncle got arrested at 11 my mom gave him a second chance and i was molested again for year and suckered in over ice cream and other kid type junk food and even cigarettes.

    after he went to jail the second time he was never allowed back, at the age of 13 i was molested by a guy down the street told me if i ever told he would kill me and my mom but my mom first and i had to watch it so i never told on him and the sad part is i never got his name so i still can not do anything about it.

    when i was 15 i got molested again but this time by a female and this was a french kiss and a little bit of hands down my pants…i did not like it at all told her to stop she did not she said trust me you will like it and kept continuing for 30 minutes if not more when she let me up i started walking away and she said “if you tell your mom i’ll tell her you molested my daughter so do not be stupid…

    Even know she had me scared i still told my mom after my mom went down there to confront her she really did what she said she was going to do and told the cops a lie when they arrived even know the little girl admitted i did nothing i still got kicked out of my trailer park and was treated like a molester myself “very traumatizing”

    As i got older I became the people i hated the most, “A pervert” i put a hole in my teddy bear and made out with the vacuum cleaner and even pulled my privates out and told a girl to play with it that was 5 years younger then me thinking this is okay and i wished i would have not snitched her out “the woman that molested me” and “my uncle” and the “neighbor” everything that was so wrong was becoming natural and okay not bad or wrong.

    This is why i want to kill myself, i do not want to be like them, people do not understand that when you get molested multiple times growing up you become the sicko. I have seen girls at the mall “of age” and wanted to just go down on them really bad so i would give them tongue signals to grab their attention.

    This has made me overdose on pills,slit my wrist,jumped out of a moving car going 30 mph and dislocated my shoulder and broke 3 ribs,ran out in front of a truck going 25 mph and that only tore my bicycle apart and left me short of breath but no damage to body or organs lord knows i have tried everything and had no luck.

    I think god wants me to suffer and be punished for telling on the molesters that molested me, I’m Life unworthy of life “a sick fuck” “and a nobody”

    I blaim my mom for letting this happen to me more then once with her brother “my uncle” the fact i can not do anything about the neighbor guy and the fact of me having the perverted thoughts.

    I can not say I have had any “good childhood memories” it was either me being molested by someone or getting beat by my moms alcoholic boyfriends “more then one boyfriend and more then a few times.” “3 step dads total” one of which tried to kill me in my sleep because i over slept on a school day.

    So yeah, nobody can understand, nobody can help “and who would even want to?”

    Today I have plans on painting a black squirt gun and going into the police station and point it at a cop so they will just do what i been begging for my whole life !

    And to God…..Go to hell ! if it wasn’t for him sending the Devil down here to spread the evil we wouldn’t have evil to begin with and therefor Jesus “My brother” would not of had to die for our sins.

    What god lets their own son die on the cross anyways?

    If he wouldn’t of kicked him out of heaven onto our land we wouldn’t need sins cleansed to begin with !

    So if you are reading this “GOD” Don’t let me in your doors, because you will not be my friend but only an enemy for allowing this to happen to me, the devil would feel more like family to me !

  11. @mikem: The pain you’ve been through is unimaginable. I’m so sorry. Any other human who had been abused as much as you would feel as broken as you do. Your feelings of shame, anger, dispair – all of those are normal to experience after sexual trauma. It’s not your fault, you never asked for people to hurt you.I’m sorry those who were meant to protect you let you down repeatedly.

    I know your sense of sexuality has been warped by evil people, and although you have made some mistakes, I know you can get better. Many people have crawled back from the abyss that is sexual trauma. You don’t want to hurt anyone like you were hurt. You can be better than those who tormented you – stronger.

    Many of us will never fully know what it’s like to be you. We will never know how much you really hurt, but help does exist. It won’t be easy, but if you want something better you can have it.

  12. @mikem – The devil would be funner to live with, anyway:)

  13. God would always be trying to fix you. The Devil would be like ” yeah okay whatever go do what you want “. God seems more like a helicopter parent. He would also always be trying to help; I don’t like it when people are always cheery &nd all nice. It seems so fake. If I had to choose between God &nd the Devil i would always end up choosing the Devil. He seems to be more on my side than God ever was. I’ve lost all feeling for God anyway. He’s been cometely out of my mind for years. The Devil on the other hand seems intrigueing. He’s someone I could see myself talking to for hours &nd hours.

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