Thoughts

I wouldn’t say I’ve had a terrible life. In fact, I would actually say I’m very blessed in many ways. Contrary to many of the posts I’ve read on this site, I grew up with a loving family, good friends, and a easy life. But I guess I wouldn’t be writing on this site if there wasn’t a problem…and that problem just happens to be me.

Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a cry for help or some pathetic attempt to feel sorry for myself by throwing a pity party. It isn’t a rant on how terrible my life is or the injustices I’ve experienced in the past. I want to believe this is a clear reflection of my life up to now and the conclusions I have come up with.

Why am I posting this? Because like many of you, I am alone. I want to be able to share my real thoughts with somebody…anybody. Even if that means I’m sharing with complete strangers. So for those of you willing to listen, thank you. I don’t have very many opportunities to talk to anyone so thank you for being patient and listening to my thoughts…

I’ve felt alone for a very long time…I know I didn’t always feel this way, but it’s been so long I can’t even remember what life was like before then. How did I end up alone? The same way that many of you have ended up alone. I made mistakes….many mistakes.

For those who see me in real life, they may assume I’m well adjusted and normal. I couldn’t have told a better lie. No, in fact, I am defective. I have seen what true contentment is. The kind of rare joy that is worth more than all the money in the world. I have seen it in people who genuinely care about others and live their own lives selflessly. It is impossible for me to ever live that kind of life. Why? Because I love myself more than anything in this world. And I hate myself more than anything in this world.

At this point, I’m tired, very tired. I have this odd habit of staring at my hand and thinking silly thoughts about my existence. I want to just close my eyes and rest….just rest. Rest and leave everything behind. Rest and never have to continue being this person. I’m waiting for that day, I really hope it comes soon. Until then I have no right to complain. Perhaps I’m here because I need to suffer. An eye for an eye. I need to make up for all my past mistakes. Thanks for listening to a crazy person’s rant.